i’ve been known to read some of the more (ahem) information-based sex-type threads here, without being an active participant in most. but i guess i’ve finally come up with a topic where the combined wisdom of the Dopers (particularly perhaps of the guys) might help me settle something that’s been causing me a minor amount of … well, pondering i guess.
this sort of got triggered by the women who hate having their breast fondled thread. the concept of fondling in general brought to mind some specifics, and i wanted to find out if i’m confronted by a Well-Known Male Phenomenon, or a Personal Quirk.
while he’s not exactly said it in so many words, Hubby has said things that i’ve boiled to the essence of ‘any attention to the male anatomy other than direct stimulation of the penis is pretty much wasted effort on my part.’ (at least as far as furthering sexual stimulation is concerned.)
speaking as a female, i find this concept… mindboggling. one of the areas that i’ve given some Gentle Reminders on is that there’s a lot more to the female body than the specified target areas, and that they are not off-limits. if Husband Mine truly experiences stimulation only on that level, i could see why some coaching is occasionally called for. but that’s the whole crux of the question right there.
is this really the way it is for guys? that all sexual release, as well as stimulation, is the sole domain of the penis, so attention there is all that’s desired or required? (well, ok, attached accessories are included as part of the ‘whole package’ concept.)
or is it possible that too much fixation has been placed there from … self-indulgence during the formative years?
since i’ve only got a statisticial sampling of 1 at the moment, i’m looking for helpful info from any male dopers willing to share. of course, ancedotal input from anyone is certainly welcome. i’m just trying to decide if i’ve been hopeless naive until now, or if he’s unknowingly denying himself bonus points.
Well, some men have a few more zones than that – nipples and ears, maybe the neck or throat, and, er, other places – but, yeah. From what I’ve seen and read, direct “attack” on a woman’s genitals just isn’t very pleasurable – a state of arousal must be reached first (generally speaking, of course). Men, on the other hand, can easily enjoy touching and stimulation of the penis without any preparation, as long as it’s done by someone they want doing it. To some men, anything other than that is just getting in the way. Men who enjoy a wider ranging sexual experience are usually enjoying, in part, the delayed gratification; they’re also enjoying the building excitement of their partners (especially with women, as a woman is a MUCH better sex partner when her arousal has been building for a while).
A lot of this is mental, of course (maybe all of it), but I’m willing to bet that it holds true. For most men, the penis is the center of sexuality, and everything else is decoration – and some men just don’t like decorating.
I really enjoy it when a woman kisses my ears or neck, runs her hands through my hair, or just grabs my ass with both hands. If she likes doing it to me, I enjoy having it done.
I’m a “whole body” person when it comes to sexual gratification. More than that, I’m a “whole experience” person. It all adds up - the setting, the atmosphere, all the sights, sounds, and smells. Each experience is a little different in one way or another.
BTW, how are things in Woodbridge? I’m originally from Stafford.
For myself, I really love it when my girlfriend rubs my lower abdominal sides or “love handles as some people would call it” with both her hands and calves while we’re making love. Also, (even thought I’ve never told her about this) before I knew her, I was involved with a woman who I can honestly say was the “second” greatest lover I’ve ever had . While the both of us were busy in the missionary position, she would reach up from under my arm (right behind my shoulder) and start gently massaging this “magical spot” right along my shoulder blades. I don’t know how she learned this or how this came to be, but this massage would excite me to the point where it would simply drive me insane. I mean like “totally to another level thats almost beyond description” :eek: . I haven’t told my present girlfriend about this “and from fear of her taking it the wrong way I have no immediate plans to”, but my lower abdominal sides and this magic spot right along the shouder blades on my back, are for me are the two best areas of arousal…that is…outside of the obvious!
Pretty much anything outside the immediate errogenous zone is pointless and wasted on this man. Rubbing my back, sides, or nipples would probably annoy me.
Kissing is HUGE for me, but that’s more sensual stimulation than sexual stimulation. It’s raising my affection level, but not necessarily directing any more blood flow to Mr. Happy.
Nibbling on down my neck and taking your time exploring other areas of my body have a similar effect.
But if the object of the exercise is to get me hard or to orgasm, then that’s where the stimulation’s got to go.
So… whether or not it’s wasted effort depends on what you’re efforts are directed toward.
My personal favorite… just go there early and leave lingering explorations of other areas for post orgasmic glow time. It’s a good way to cut down on refractory time.
Another way I’ve expressed it… I’ll enjoy about anything else you’re doing as long as you’ve got a hand on Mr. Happy while you’re doing it.
What dublos said. I think it boils down to both people doing things to the other in the way they’d like them done to themselves. Women usually need a slow buildup, with teasing and rising excitement before getting too intimate, whereas guys will be more easily excited by direct contact early on.
A conversation with Mrs. Giraffe a while back about seduction lead to our adopting the catch phrase “just grab the penis!” She was surprised in exactly the same way you were – she thought that if she wanted to seduce me, she needed to start very slowly and dance around the erogenous zones with mild caresses for a while, before going anywhere near the penis. Sometimes you just gotta grab the penis.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever touch or kiss anything else. But involve the penis early and often.
I like having the nape of my neck nuzzled, but it’s gotta be done right: from her sitting behind me–and most women seem to think that if they do it that way, they are being ignored or taken for granted. …-I found out I liked this when a girl at a party sat down behind me on some stairs and put her arms under mine, and her hands on my throat and started nuzzling the back of my neck–and would dig her fingernails into my throat if I tried to get her off me. It was tremendously sexy, and before then I didn’t know I liked it so much. …-but as far as everywhere else, no I don’t really care if [except for the one other place] the rest of me gets ignored. The occasional back scratch or back rub (for holding a difficult position for a while) is enough.
On the list of “mood-killers”:
clawing me anywhere–it’s only sexy in movies.
earlobe biting–every girl who has done this to me has done it WAY too hard.
~
I think there are “instant gratification” guys and “prolonged gratification” guys. But the ones to avoid are the “gratify me” guys.
My partner and I (both male) can spend literally hours pleasuring each other, and there’s no body part that is a turn-off or even neutral. Sometimes we can get aroused without even touching.
But once in a while we just go right to it, and that’s great too. But I could never be involved with a guy who wants it this way all the time. If I had only that one part of me satisfied, the rest of me would feel very left out and unfulfilled. It’s not so much about sex, as about intimacy.
Are we talking about sensual, pleasurable experiences, or are we talking about trying to stimulate him to orgasm?
For me, sensual, pleasurable experiences are just that. Sensual and pleasurable. But I put them in the same category, I guess, that a woman gives to foreplay, or pre-foreplay.
Now, if you’re talking about getting someone off, that’s not going to do it for me. And after awhile, it can get downright frustrating (you’re familiar with the phenomenon known as “blue balls”?)
Let’s not forget, men are just like women in one important respect. What feels good to one may not feel good to another, or feel good when a different person is doing it, or even feel good every time the same person does it. I had a girlfriend who thought the height of stimulation was to bite my earlobe. I don’t know where she got the idea that would be a turn-on, but to me it just felt like someone was biting my earlobe.
You know that period before sexual intimacy when your just making out ? Well that is when we like ear nibbling or some other area getting some attention. Once sex happens and the couple is more “free” to play around then other areas just don’t get as much results as “Mr.Happy” as someone put it.
Ok… its not a 100% but staying too long elsewhere will down any man.
I personally like kissing a lot and don’t mind her going elsewhere in my body. Still “Mr. Happy” is the focal point.
What kunilou and others have said. Pleasurable sensual touching is fun and worthwhile, but it’s only the beginning.
Or to use the metaphor of, hmmm, let’s see, a Mexican restaurant: I’m happy sitting and eating chips for a little while, but before long, it’ll be time for the burrito.
Female here. As a woman who has had what would qualify as many sex partners, I have to say that based on my experience, most guys just want you to go for the dick.
I have stumbled across a rare few who liked other things, like one guy who liked it when I played with his left nipple (he didn’t really feel as much pleasure from the right one (?)) or the occasional guy who likes the finger up the butt. I had a boyfriend who liked me to dig my fingernails into his back during intercourse to delay his ejaculation and thus make it more pleasurable in the end. But when it comes down to sexual gratification, I’d say guys are pretty easy to figure out. It’s the penis.
I love it that men are so uncomplicated. That way during sex the focus can be mostly on me.
all the feedback has been very helpful, and i appreciate the willingness to share. i must say, this certainly does throw some of the differences between how men and women are wired into greater relief (as it were) for me. guess there really is some fairly significant divergence in how we experience things.
now to go re-write some of my mental ‘fantasies’ scripts.
kunilou, i was pretty much referring to activities to enhance the main event. bringing him to orgasm is not a problem.
BTW, just in case anyone was mistakenly thinking that Husband Mine has been woefully neglected because of my off-kilter notions… nope, weren’t happenin’. if anything, he somehow believes he’s married to a sex goddess.
I’M not about to disabuse him of that notion.
hi, plnnr. Spring and Winter are still duking it out in Woodbridge, more developments are being built, more stop lights going up on roads. business as usual, i’d say.
Foreplay is enjoyable - I love being kissed on the ear, for example - but you’re not going to make me orgasm by sucking my earlobe, so after a while, it’s just like, “Get on with it then!”
You actually researched something to improve your knowledge of how to have a better intimate time with your husband or at least to understand it better.
…-I found out I liked this when a girl at a party sat down behind me on some stairs and put her arms under mine, and her hands on my throat and started nuzzling the back of my neck–and would dig her fingernails into my throat if I tried to get her off me. It was tremendously sexy, and before then I didn’t know I liked it so much. …-but as far as everywhere else, no I don’t really care if [except for the one other place] the rest of me gets ignored. The occasional back scratch or back rub (for holding a difficult position for a while) is enough.
