Having been a more than casual reader of the SDMB for quite some time (I very much object to the term “lurker”), I believe I have found a forum of thoughtful and interesting people with which to discuss a subject that has intrigued me for many years. (I hope I have started it with the appropriate group. If this belongs elsewhere, mea culpa.)
So. Here goes.
Do women enjoy sex? Or, stated another way, how do women enjoy sex differently than men?
I have enjoyed many long term and satisfying relationships with women. And, as a card carrying heterosexual, I’ve discussed this with other guys over numerous beers and this much seems clear: men enjoy sex in fairly consistent and uniform manner, whereas women seem to enjoy sex in a manner that is unique to each individual. If so, why? If not, am I that insensitive? (I’m open-minded: I would accept the latter if someone demonstrates it to me conclusively. Just please try not to use the word “asshat.”)
I happen to be in a relationship right now that is mildly confusing, but that seems to be a constant rather than a variable in my experiences with women. I don’t seem to be alone in this, but perhaps I am. I would appreciate some world views from either side of the fence.
Btw, I’m not a thirteen year old looking up dirty words in the dictionary. Quite the opposite: like Twain, my father learned a lot between my nineteenth and twenty-first birthdays. As I grow older, I’m discovering how very much I don’t know. Sometimes it’s fun; sometimes it’s not.
Full disclosure: I am not attempting to troll or in any way start trouble. If broaching this discussion causes any offense whatsoever, I apologize and will quietly disappear.
This would probably do better in the IMHO forum, as opinion and personal experience are probably going to color most of the responses.
Anyway, it’s purely anecdotal on my part, but yes, at least some women enjoy sex. Some seem to enjoy it more as a component of romance and love, but there are those who enjoy it as a plain old fun and nasty thing to do. And then there are those about which both statements are true, and it depends on the context.
Also, some women, like some men, attach quite a bit of baggage to sex, so it ends up being a minefield to have physical relations with them. I would like to stress that this is not behavior which is exclusive to women, at least as far as I can tell.
I don’t know if I answered what you asked, but I suppose you’ll tell me if not.
Welcome to the SDMB, comma. As others have pointed out…this would probably be better fitted to IMHO or MPSIMS…but one of our fabulous mods will probably be by sooner or later and move it for you.
But, to answer your question. This woman enjoys sex.
However, it wasn’t always so. I had a very negative first time experience that left me thinking sex was only for the enjoyment of the man (in my case, since I am heterosexual) and purely a physcial release. I then used that logic to involve myself with several men who were only interested in sex in it’s basic, raw form and I thought that’s just how things were always going to be.
It wasn’t until I met someone I have a deep connection with and truly love that I began to embrace my sexuality and deeply enjoy sex.
I hope that answers your question somewhat. And again, welcome to our little humble world.
I think men are just as varied in their sexual needs as woman. It is definatley not as simple as ‘men like sex one way but woman are all different’ I have met woman who have a very ‘male’ attitude to sex and men with a very ‘female’ attitude to sex but even this is simplifying it way to much. The truth is we are all individual and the key to having a good sex life with your partner is to ask what it is they enjoy, if you are both keen to please each other you can’t fail! I love getting my head down there and being ordered what to do…very sexy.
Speaking from a psych standpoint, here are the differences between male and female sexual experience…
Women experience longer orgasms but statistically do not get them as frequently. Conversely, men almost always experience orgasm but suffer from a long recovery time that makes multiple orgasm near-infeasable. But we all learned this in high school.
Interestingly, one psychosexual study found that viewing porn induced the same physiological arousal responses in men and women (bloodflow, lubrication, etc.) but men would report arousal while women would not. (Translation: there may be a disconnect between physiological urges and overt emotional feelings in women; i.e. women find arousal more in an interpersonal situation than a physical one, men have the inverse experience)
It is theorized that women and men share the same intensity sex drive but have different selection strategies with regard to sexual partners. Sociological studies posit that women tend to select a single wealthier, career driven man (just as we’ve always suspected) while men chase after multiple sexually viable women. The author of this study went on to connect these tendencies to evolutionary factors. Needless to say, this study met with some controversy…
Now I’m wishing I hadn’t left my collection of psych texts at school…
Yes, obviously - as you no doubt are aware - women are just as capable of enjoying sex as men.
Do women and men, in broad, general terms, get enjoyment from sex differently? Seems like there might be some broad generalizations, some of which have already been listed, but in this case, where you are really also trying to understand how this plays out in your particular relationship, it seems that a broad generalization might not satisfy - there are too many exceptions and one could easily apply to your situation.
Do women, as a rule, require a different approach and/or emphasis on the mental, emotional, physical and other dimensions that are input to enjoying sex? Again, there are probably some broad generalizations that may apply, but they may or may not help you and the current relationship you are in.
Bottom line? The biggest factor to whether anyone - m/f, gay/straight, whatever - enjoys sex is whether their specific buttons are being pushed. Whether or not you, as a sex partner/participant is pushing those buttons is a byproduct of:
genetics - do you have what they need in a physical sense;
overlap of basic goals - are you both after hard, dirty sex or deeply emotional lovesex or whatever for that particular coupling, etc…; and
are you communicating in a way that each of you can listen and act accordingly - sometimes this is a smack when something goes wrong or a moan when something goes right (or vice versa) and sometimes this is a long, thoughtful, careful conversation about likes and dislikes, etc.
Seems like your question covers a huge set of underlying issues and cannot be addressed with any specificity by posters without more context…
I always thought women didn’t like sex as much as men… and in general its true. When everything is right, right man, right time and the woman is really in the mood… then women want sex much more than we men do. Yep I have been outfucked…
Different stimulus for sure and different rythm… it seems to change according to where they are in the period and emotionally too. Of course when I was 21 I had way more sexual apetite than any woman might have wanted… but at 31 I feel things are closer and I can enjoy sex as opposed to enjoying only the orgasms.
YES!!! YES!! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD YESSSSS! MMMMMMM!
I’d say so.
Sorry. That was definitely the MOST tasteful of the responses I considered, if it helps.
Ag. I was trying not to be juvenile… A more serious answer would look like nameless’s. Not all men and women enjoy it the same way, but those are the basics. The ‘not all women experience orgasm’ thing is interesting - I know it’s true for many women, but is there any generally accepted reason for that? Emotional things, physical things, bad partners? All of the above, and sometimes none?
Well, that didn’t take long. I think I placed this discussion in GD because I anticipated being taken to task for the underlying assumptions of the question (which, thankfully, so far haven’t been misconstrued). But I defer to the group.
My experience is that, regardless of external factors, men are typically interested in sex. Women, on the other hand, seem to be influenced by external factors. If, in the opinion of the woman I’m with, I’ve behaved well, the sex is good; conversely, if I’ve behaved in a disappointing manner, the sex is different, (if it happens at all.) I simply don’t think sex should depend on whether I’ve painted the living room or mowed the grass.
I don’t think you have to watch too many commercials to understand that marketing to men is far different than marketing to women. I think the closest analog was the Jim Palmer Hanes ad campaign, and I doubt it was successful because it wasn’t used elsewhere. Perhaps “enjoy sex” is misleading. Women seem to have radically different motivators, and they are mysterious to men.
Of course, that may be the whole point: I’ll readily admit that I love the mystery…but sometimes it can be confusing to the point of frustration.
Dude, if your girlfriend’s sex drive is determined by whether you have done your chores or yardwork or “behaved well,” that’s pretty messed up. Sounds like she’s using sex as a tool to control you. I say, find another woman who doesn’t view sex as some sort of a reward for compliant behavior. I don’t even know how you could want to sleep with this woman if she is treating you this way. Ugh.
No, I’m not talking about sex-as-weapon, which I think most guys have seen in some form or other. You’re right—that’s not about sex, but power; a head game and a nasty one at that.
I’m talking about chocolate here. Dated a woman who would jump out of a plane if you threw a box of Godiva out the door in front of her. Since I don’t care for chocolate, she knew every piece had her name on it. It didn’t matter what had just happened in her life, she still enjoyed it. Any time, any place.
Oh, and I’ve forgotten my manners—thank you for the kind welcome, Aries.
I think an important factor in the discussion is that women do statistically have fewer orgasms, which often works itself out to some women who have a lot and some women who have few or none, at least with a partner. So women, perhaps just by necessity, learn to enjoy sex without orgasm. Now, I’m not saying there are no factors to male enjoyment of sex besides orgasm, and of course there are circumstances (erectile dysfunction, for example) where a man might learn to enjoy the rest of sex without physical completion, but on the whole men can expect an orgasm when many women cannot.
