This is the right answer.
Sweetheart, how many times does this have to be repeated?
SEX MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!
I can totally see how some people can be so cavalier about sex, because I am that cavalier about sex.
Sex isn’t the origin of new life for me. I have an IUD. It’s not necessarily the beginning of deep intimacy. I’m not looking for that. It can be a possible source of deadly contagion, but condoms reduce that risk considerably. The enjoyable aerobics thing I can agree with. There’s nothing about it that I find inherently meaningful. It can be meaningful, sure, but it sure doesn’t have to be.
That doesn’t mean that I have sex indiscriminately. I don’t. But if I want to have sex with someone, I do. And if I don’t want to do it again, I don’t.
If you find that repugnant, well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve known you a long time through this board and I’ve always liked you and respected you. I don’t remember you ever pulling this Church Lady routine before.
So maybe you could just accept that some of us handle our sex lives differently than you do.
And if you want to talk about how you just don’t understand how people could have casual sex, great. Start a thread. Coming into a thread where we’re talking about casual sex in order to tell us that casual sex is bad just makes you seem like a judgmental busybody. And you’re not a judgmental busybody. (Or if you are, you’re generally damn good at hiding it.)
I agree with PastAllReason that thinking that the woman will be oh-so-heartbroken because you don’t want to fuck her again is a bit presumptuous, but I also think that it’s a good idea not to give someone the false impression that you want to see them again if you don’t.
So I vote returning and getting the item on the spot if possible. If not, see if you can find some way to get it back to her without seeing her. Mail it, leave it on her porch, leave it on your porch to pick up, whatever. If that sort of thing is impossible, then you should give it to her face-to-face. But tell her that you’ll be on the way to an appointment or something so you have an excuse to get out of there expeditiously.
The mailbox thing? Federal offense, AFAIK. Maybe there are exceptions. I don’t know. But in general, it’s a good idea to avoid doing stuff that can be construed as messing with the mail. Those postal cops can be hard-core.
Different strokes for different folks? ::d+r::
Okay, honey, obviously this bears repeating because it hasn’t soaked in: casual sex isn’t a ticket to be rude. There’s a difference between casual and just plain nasty. A person can be indifferent as all hell and still treat other people like, well, people instead of ambulatory sex organs.
Don’t want to see the person again? Perfectly legit. Not every encounter has to ‘lead to something’ and plenty of them probably aren’t intended to extend beyond uncoupling, wiping off, redressing and parting. Which is fine too so long as both parties know that’s at least a possibility.
But even sex of the most casual variety doesn’t excuse treating a former partner like a leper either.
Frankly the whole twitchy avoidance thing is the creepiest part of this whole scenario for me. Anybody old enough to bump groins, casually or not, should be mature enough to handle something so ridiculously mundane as returning a forgotten item. If it can’t be returned handily at the time–too far to drive, to late, whatever–then a simple phone call the next day will cover all bases quite effectively. “You left your partial plate/bra/diaphragm at my place last night. When would be a good time to get it back to you?”
If the hypothetical man is blah about a possible repeat, odds are the woman wasn’t overwhelmed either. And even if she was, best all around to be very clear it ain’t happening. A quick, civil phone call to arrange the return of a misplaced item isn’t anything more than a person should do for a stranger.
Sheesh. Whatever happened to at least trying to handle adult stuff with aplomb?
I assumed the reason he didn’t want to see her was because she didn’t want to do the thing with the plumb.
Oh, sorry …
I think you’re missing the point, Veb.
Phouka came into a thread about a casual sex etiquette issue to express disapproval of casual sex. That’s like coming into a thread about the latest Project Runway to express disapproval of reality shows.
I don’t think returning the item to someone in such a way as to minimize contact is “rude” or treating somebody like a “leper.” I didn’t get the sense that anybody was saying that you shouldn’t call to arrange the return of the item in a convenient and expeditious manner. Everybody was saying that you SHOULD do exactly that. But there’s no reason to create an uncomfortable situation for one or both of you when the item in question can simply be tucked behind the screen door.
Maybe she did a smidge, but mainly she was just confused. I don’t understand why you’re making a big deal out of this. Maybe I should just let her speak for herself :smack:
[/QUOTE]
I don’t think you read what Phouka wrote carefully enough. Here’s what she actually wrote, with bolding added for emphasis:
She said she’d ‘been there’, in fact. Her main point of disagreement/perplexity was using sex, in any of its many permutations, as an excuse to treat an ex-partner more callously than one would a total stranger.
I think she’s innocent of both threadshitting and of condemning casual sex. Maybe we’re reading this very differently but I don’t think phouka deserved being slammed.
Ok, I’m confused.
A few people have said: having “casual” sex with someone is no excuse to be an asshoole.
Ok, check. agreed. But what does that have to do with the question in the OP? Let’s forget the sex part of this entirely. Say somebody comes to my house (for a bbq or something, let’s say it’s a friend of a friend). And they leave something at my house, and I’m not crazy about the person, and would kind of rather not deal with them anymore. Now all of a sudden I’m an asshole because I mail it back to them?
The OP did not say, should I throw this thing off the roof or burn it? He asked, what’s the best way to get the item back to the person while minimizing contact with them.
Is it “presumptuous” to assume that the other person is eager to spend time with you? Maybe. But I don’t think so. It’s possible to get into a situation where somebody kind of freaks out and is looking for any excuse to continue an interaction even though you have decided that you just want to move on. having been through that before, I can easily understand somebody who decides he doesn’t want to chance it.
Veb no go back and read her first post in this thread (#3)
Green Bean is correct.
Dang. Right you are, Rick, and wrong am I. phouka did specifically criticize casual sex. I clean missed it.
Apologies to all, especially Green Bean. (Though I still feel bad about phouka, a kind, thoughtful poster to my memory.)
(Never mind. My reading comprehension has obviously gone down.)
The best and most polite thing in this situation would be something that doesn’t give the woman false hopes of more contact. Returning the item to her as soon as possible would be the best thing to do.
How you doin’? 
Ok, without going into whether it is good etiquette to drop of the item in question in the mail box, I’d like to ask about the legality of it.
Do you mean that in the US it would be forbidden to drop something off for someone in their mailbox? 
You want to handle it graciously. Right now you might not want to sleep with her again, but who knows what the future might bring? One should never heedlessly destroy an opportunity for sexual congress that might prove valuable in a future dry spell.
Technically. But it usually isn’t enforced unless somebody makes a complaint.
I’ve done it many times.
“Title 18 U.S.C. 1725 prohibits the deposit of unstamped “mailable matter” in a letterbox approved by the United States Postal Service, and violations are subject to a fine.”
http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&vol=453&invol=114
Even if you couldn’t be fined it’s still pretty silly. Call her up, alert her to the forgotten item, and set up a time that is convenient for you both for the item to be returned.
I should have been clearer in my original post. But thanks.
This was what I meant to be getting at in the first place.
I guess a lot of people feel that when they’ve had sex with someone, that person automatically owes them something other than basic courtesy. It just depends on the circumstances by which you ended up having sex in the first place. The problem comes when one party interperets things one way, and the other party interperets things the other.
Thanks for getting that cite. I didn’t realize that the law specifically applied to “mailable matter.”
Non-mailable matter, as defined by the postal service, would probably get you into trouble whether it was stamped or not.
Non-Mailable Matter
Definition
A variety of materials are restricted for mailing by the U.S. Postal Service; the main non-mailable categories are those that are harmful, dangerous or offensive to human beings or other mail. Under certain provisions and by special arrangement, items in some of the foregoing categories can be mailed. Items such as radioactive materials and dry ice are under special regulations; contact Mail Services for further information. The mailing of fraudulent or illegal matter, i.e., chain letters is prohibited.
From here: http://adminrecords.ucsd.edu/ppm/docs/553-3.html
Probably shouldn’t be dropping anything in anybody’s mailbox, really.