Your type of thinking is probably the #1 cause of problems in the relationship. When you don’t like something, that doesn’t automatically mean the other person cannot do it.
There are situations where the behavior of the partner causes real problems that need to be dealt with. Like if he went on 3-day ski trips every week without you. That could be considered an excessive amount of time away from the relationship and that problem should be dealt with.
But the situation you present is just a “problem” based on your perception of it being a problem. He’s not spending an exessive amount of time away, he’s not having relations with them, etc. It’s only a problem because you don’t like it.
The life goal of your partner is not to make you happy. It’s to make themselves happy. They will do things that you don’t like and that, in and of itself, is not necessarily a problem. Sometimes you need to accept that your partner will do things you don’t like and it doesn’t make them a bad person and it doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work. It’s okay that you don’t like it, but don’t make your dislike of it a huge problem in the relationship.
Um…yeah it is…when he came in we said our “hellos” and he just started talking about his day like nothing ever happened between us…I listened patiently as he ripped his boss, co-workers, etc. as usual and he sat to dinner…I said: “So, listen, about this weekend…” and he goes “Forget it, when I called I wanted to know if it would bother you and I thought about it and figured we really were invited together and you’re right I did say I didn’t want to go …So I’m not going…etc. etc.”
THEN he went on to talk about another ski trip that “sounds like fun” which I don’t want to go to either because I think it’s too expensive but AM going to because I know he wants to go…Or, he can go with the fellas - with my blessing 1000%
…I am taking this whole situation as a lesson and if there’s a time when he decides NOT to tell me about a trip he wants to take I will understand too…
I don’t feel guilty about being angry but I do know it was dumb to turn it into a fight.
No not at all…I think that what upset me the most was that he called me at work telling me he wanted to go after I believed we had made the decision together…he even told W that we weren’t going…We had already made plans for the weekend and then he pulled this.
Yes, it bothered me, no I’m not a jealous controlling girlfriend (quite the opposite) I just felt like the conversation we’d had when the invite was originally extended was completely disregarded and that was upsetting.
I know he wants to go skiing I also know he doesn’t really want to go with this couple which is probably why he said no at first and then yes and then no again. He’s not a woos…He was probably bouncing back and forth on it and when he saw I was upset it helped him decide against.
Besides, now another friend is planning a ski trip in March and this time I’m not saying anything about it…we’ll either go as a couple or he’ll go by himself…And more importantly - it won’t be a problem!
There are lots of things he does that I don’t like and we don’t fight about it…I’m not that type of person - at all.
I was more upset at the way he “changed his mind” and how he brought it up.
The last time we were at these people’s house Mrs. W started a fight with her husband about how HE screwed up dinner (which was delicious), she told my BF he talked too much, literally took food out of her daughter’s mouth saying “ENOUGH! Look at you! that’s why you can’t fit into your clothes” sending her off to her friend’s house crying, and then, in the middle of W’s talking about popping in a video she got up and went to bed!
We had decided then and there we would never see these people again…So even when he first brought up the trip I was surprised - we talked about it we BOTH said “no way” and then he calls me at work and gets angry because I couldn’t “understand” why he wanted to go!
I just didn’t get it.
I wrote in to you guys…Got all this advice (and criticsm) calmed the heck down, and when I started to tell him it was Ok for him to go he said he didn’t want to - again.
Who knows, he may be thinking right now about going home and packing…and if that’s the case, then fine. He’ll go.
Not that he can go because I don’t own him but he will go and hopefully have a good time. I’ll go back to the plans I made after we argued on the phone and I thought he was going to go.
You know, if he goes without you, they won’t be able to split up into boys and girls as usual, so your BF will be forced to interact with her a lot more than he’s used to. Maybe he’s figured that out.
It would still worry me a little bit that he feels it necessary to consult you—as if he feels you’re likely to cry or shout or vent or become upset at something he wants to do. I dunno, it just seems like he should feel more free to mention some upcoming event without cringing to hear what your answer might be. Maybe he needs some confidence in the relationship. It kinda sounds like you’re his mother and he’s asking for the car, y’know? You should be equals. (Maybe I’m reading too much into that. I don’t know.)
You should also be free to disagree with the trip he’s making without forcing yourself to go along, too. (And you did say you might not go—that’s good). You shouldn’t martyr yourself to support his choices any more than he should for yours.
Instead of confronting an argument like His Choice or Your Choice, maybe you could plan some kind of skiing thing together and invite people you would both like to see. That way, you’re both sort of emotionally invested in that outing and you both get something fun to do together, ‘n’ all that.
Soooooo…it’s okay for him to act childishly and try to evade the argument, because Dabronx inadvertantly did not act exactly as she should have and (HORRORS!) failed to realize her bf was lying when he said he didnt want to go on the ski trip in the first place? Oh, yes. For shame!!
Absolutely. Lie about your feelings. Bow down at the feet of your man, woman, because you had NO RIGHT to feel as you did. Don’t you know what HE wants comes first, ALWAYS? :rolleyes:
Dabronx, people argue. It happens. It’s always GOING to happen, until you learn to communicate with each other. That takes time. All you can do is your best and keep trying. Sounds like you guys did eventually do that, after tempers cooled. Which, IME is sometimes how it works. Not everyone is a psychologist, and not everyone is perfect.
Sorry the smug PC police insisted on rubbing your nose in something you already know, which is that this was something that the two of you should have been more honest with each other about.
Despite this situation appearing to be wrapped up, I figured I’d throw my two or three cents in, because I don’t think anybody actually answered the original question. Here’s why I think he asked you, even though he was going anyway. I think he felt like just flat-out telling you he was going would be kind of confrontational. So he couched his statement in the form of a question, expecting you to say yes. The fact that he had changed his mind made him worried about upsetting you, so he tried to dance around it.
Happens all the time. Like if I’m about to eat the last piece of pizza or something, I’ll say “Is it alright if I eat the last one?” or the famous “You want that last one?” What I really mean is that I’m eating it, so if she wants it, that’s too bad. I wouldn’t expect her to say “No, it’s not alright,” but I ask anyway because it seems nicer that way. It’s basically a rhetorical question.
In other words, he wanted to be sort of polite and deferential by giving you the chance to “give permission,” instead of just telling you he was going. I don’t think he expected you to give the answer you did.
In my mind, you screwed up big time in several ways, and he bent over backwards to accomdate you. In the end, you told him he could go, but frankly, in my mind that’s not enough.
Here’s what I saw happening:
You and he didn’t want to go somewhere with this couple. You say it was a mutual decision; you keep emphasizing that you both despise this woman, but the facts seem to indicate that you despise her while he merely dislikes her, and not enough so to avoid her. Sure sounds to me like you decided that both of you shouldn’t go on the trip with them, and he went along with your decision.
He decided he did want to go, and was courteous enough to ask your blessing rather than flat out say “I’m going”.
You didn’t give your blessing, and instead got angry with him. And for the sole reason that he was going against your wishes. He was depriving you of nothing, yet you angrily insisted that he obey.
He acquiesced to your demand.
You complained that you weren’t looking forward to being with him this weekend because he would “be a jerk” since he was deprived of this “stupid trip.” Your words made clear that you weren’t planning on being an angel yourself, but rather would fight on about your unreasonable demand, even after he had gone along with your wishes for no other reason than to make you happy.
Instead of “being a jerk,” he came home and apologized to you, even though he had done nothing wrong, and you had acted unreasonably.
Then you comment that “he saw I was upset (and) it helped him decide against (going).” As if your anger was good for him.
I’m sure you’re a wonderful person, dabronx; you should really think about what you did and consider apologizing.
Changing one’s mind is not the same as lying. Changing one’s mind is also not a reason for Dabronx to get all pissy and angry. She admits herself that it was wrong to turn it into a fight. He changed his mind, told her he changed his mind, and she turned it into a fight.
What your partner wants SHOULD come first, if possible. He wasn’t exactly asking her to go through a weekend of hell for him, just to let him go on the trip without being angry about it. If you hadn’t noticed, she’s come to that way of thinking, no lies necessary. SHE realized that if he goes, it’s not a disaster for her, so she shouldn’t make a big deal of it.
My original thought was that HE was the one lying about his feelings to make her happy. That he just figured the trip wasn’t worth the trouble at home. That’s what I was arguing against. Given that I think she was wrong to make it a fight, I also thought she should rethink her position on it and tell him.
Hold on one minute, there, Bill H.. I don’t think dabronx did anything wrong here. She was told one thing, then told the opposite, then told yet another thing. And I think amanita got it exactly right - the bf was using passive-aggressive tactics, when he should have been upfront from the start.
People always accuse women of being manipulative and sneaky, but the sneaky one here seems to be the boyfriend. dabronx was reacting to what he was doing and saying, and rightly getting confused by all the mixed messages. And like most couples’ arguments, this wasn’t about going skiing. This was about being honest with each other, and treating each other with respect and love.
