MEN!!...or, is it me???

I don’t know if it’s him or me…BUT

Why the heck did my BF ask me if it would bother me if he went on a ski trip with our friends if when I said it did he was going to go anyway???
Which brings me to my next gripe…Why do people insist on calling you at work to start a fight?


He calls me up and says: “W asked me if we were going on the ski trip…” (we had previously discussed NOT wanting to go because we both hate W’s wife)
“…and, I don’t know, it sounds like fun and maybe now I want to go. But I want to know that you’re cool with this because I don’t want it to be a problem with you and I”

Me: “You want to go now? What about the whole thing about his wife and how we can’t stand her”
Him: “Well, I don’t want to have any problems with you because if you are not cool with it then I’m not going to go”
Me: “You want to go by yourself? Well, I’m not cool with it. I thought we had discussed not going? What’s the big deal all of a sudden…I don’t want to go!”

And I will spare you guys the details but we ended up getting into a fight because he “can’t understand” why I’m not cool with him wanting to go.

Regardless, I know he’s going and I don’t like it but I’ll like it LESS when he’s dragging himself around the house this weekend acting like a jerk because he’s mad he didn’t go on this stupid trip!

My question:
** Why did he ask if he was planning on going anyway?**

Hell, if it were me I wouldn’t ask you at all next time. I’d just go.

True…but we were BOTH invited and I guess that’s why he felt the need to “ask” We often do things without each other - that’s not the problem the problem was that he acted like he cared about what I thought and then flipped the switch - or at least that’s how I took it.

Anyway, thanks for the response although it didn’t answer my question. :frowning:

I seem to recall having a somewhat similar argument with my first wife (not on the phone, but mano-a-mano) that ended with:

Me: If you want me to stay home, just say so.


Me: Okay, bye.

When I got home, she had dead-bolted the door.

Women! (Or is it just me?)

Because he’s an insensitive jerk? Because he doesn’t give a crap about what you think or how you feel?

I wouldn’t think of pulling something like that on my wife.

So no, it’s not men. It’s just the one you seem to be stuck with. We’re not all like that.

I’m trying to see if I have this straight:
You were both asked.
You don’t want to go, because you don’t like Mrs. W.
Boyfriend also doesn’t like Mrs. W, but evidently considers the “fun while skiing” a fair trade for “having to put up with Mrs. W.”

Had you already made plans for this weekend which are now cancelled, or are you just disappointed that he’s willing to go without you anyway, or what?
That’s what I don’t get - if it’s just that you’re disappointed that he decided to go anyway, then…well, yeah, I really “can’t understand” why you’re not cool with him going, given the information we have.
If your problem with Mrs. W is more than just “don’t like her” (for example, if it’s “I don’t like her because she’s always hitting on my boyfriend”) then yeah, I can see why you’d have a problem with it.
But if it’s just “I don’t like her, she’s a nasty bitch” but HE has decided the trade-off of putting up with her is worth it for the fun of the ski trip, and you don’t think it is, chalk it up to “you have different levels of tolerance for her crap,” and give him a kiss and wish him a happy ski trip.

So that he can get some “make-up” Sex when you get home!!?

I really don’t see where you guys have a problem.

You guys talked about going and neither wanted to go.

He changed his mind and now wants to go.

You still don’t want to go.

Let him go and you do something else fun that weekend.

There, problem solved.

He does care what you think. Thats why he doesn’t want you to be mad at him and wants you to be okay with him going.

Why exactly are you not okay with him going?

He not only wants to go on the trip, he wants you to be okay with it, so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of your discomfort or anger. He called you at work so he wouldn’t have to deal with you face to face, and so that you weren’t free to really lose your temper on the phone. It was a childish and passive-aggressive way for him to handle it.

Uh, why don’t you want him to go? Why are you not “cool” with it? Because you don’t want to go? Let him go! What is the big deal? Don’t be one of those controlling jealous girlfriends.

Hmmm…OK…I didn’t really know at the time why I was upset - it just bothered me.
But now that I had some time to think about it, I guess it made me angry because he was willing to go out with two people whom we only saw as couples, whom we both decided to write off because the wife is this crazy screaming bitch who belittles her husband in public, is ALWAYS in a fight with her daughter because of some weight issue (her daughter is GOD FORBID!!! fat), and talks about herself the…whole…rest…of…the…night…looooong!

So, I think, I just felt like he completely disregarded me and my feelings and past decisions that we had made together…especially when it felt like he was only pretending to care if I would be mad.

Anyway, I’ve made other plans.

You’re right…thanks.

Male perspective here.

Calling you at work is a low, cheap thing to do. If he’s already made up his mind to go, he should at least have the courage to stand by his decision and tell you when you can fully devote yourself to the conversation—not when you’re trapped at work, forced to be polite on the phone, can’t shout or talk about the subject as much or as long as it truly deserves. Long personal fights on the Work Phone are bad and your BF really, really chickened out and put you in a bad position here.

That said:

Did you really make this decision together not to go? Or did you give him your rock-solid opinion about this woman that you dislike and you grooved the decision to what you really wanted? Did your boyfriend really get to have any input in the decision or did you sort of steamroll over him? Did he seem as if he was certain, or was he just agreeing with you? I know it’s common to think that couple-made decisions are embraced equally by both sides, but it isn’t always so. It sure seems to me in this case as if the Final Decision which you insist you both abide by isn’t something he was happy with—because he seemed perfectly willing to change his mind.

And it doesn’t seem as if you’re happy that he has changed his mind. It seems you’re unhappy because he’s disagreeing with a decision which you really were certain about—and which he wasn’t.

I could be wrong here. But if it’s true, and he let himself get steamrolled in that initial decision-making discussion, two things are apparent. One, he needs to grow a pair and make his opinions heard. If he wanted to go and let you say “no” with his voice, dammit, he should have said something at the time. Two, you need to be prepared to listen to his opinion and not throw hissy fits if he doesn’t agree with you. If you object to his every disagreement, he’ll only become more afraid to share his opinion, he’ll become resentful, and Things Will Be Bad.

I may be misreading the situation—I don’t have much to go on—but maybe this helps anyway.

It was A LOT of help…Thank you.

I think that (after thinking and thinking about it) when he had first brought it up he might have been at least considering it or else he would have never brought it up again so you’re right we obviously didn’t make the decision together although I thought we did…
We both despise this woman as she has been insulting to my BF (telling him he talks too much and making fun of his age) as well as being such an obnoxious person to be around BUT my BF doesn’t have to deal with her like I do since everytime we have gotten together the guys always go off on their own and I’m the one STUCK with her and her crap.

In any case…he came home last nigth and apologized for calling me at work the way he did and said he doesn’t want to go now since he knows it will bother me.

Was he steamrolled? I hope not…I think it’s normal to feel upset if you’ve been invited somewhere as a couple and when one person doesn’t want to go the other goes anyway… I mean, I would never do it!
We’ve often gone on trips apart but those were “boy” trips like Chicago for a Cubs Game or “girl” trips like California to see “The Ellen Show.” Know what I mean?

Anyway…THANKS EVERYONE you were all a great help! :slight_smile:


In any case…he came home last nigth and apologized for calling me at work the way he did and said he doesn’t want to go now since he knows it will bother me.


Good for you, another broken man bows to the will of his woman. You are aware that he will most probably use this in a fight later on, when you least expect it? We don’t forget, we store and amplify.

But…Of course! :rolleyes: LOL

Whoa, there! This ain’t quite done yet. You should know by now that he does, in fact, want to go. You should also know that it’s wrong to actually harbor resentment for him wanting to go. Therefore, I conclude that you should not let him stay home because it will ‘bother’ you.

You should tell him that YOU thought about it, and you really shouldn’t have been mad in the first place, but he caught you unaware and you reacted poorly.

Let the poor guy go skiing. He’s obviously just trying to avoid fighting with you over it, something that there should be no argument about in the first place.

Yeah, wish him a happy weekend skiing, and mean it, and have a nice weekend to yourself. If he doesn’t have to deal with the icky woman, be happy for him.

I have, in the past, gone on outings where we were both invited but only I wanted to go (and vice versa). Once I went camping with a bunch of other married friends, but DangerDad hates camping and had tons of work, so he stayed home. We were both happy, and I don’t think it’s weird. Couples are not inseperable units, and friends would hopefully want to see one person if both couldn’t come.

I really hope you will encourage him to go now, because I agree that if he said he wanted to go earlier, he probably still wants to go. I myself wouldn’t be able to handle the guilt at trying to make Mr. Heart stay at home when I know he really wants to do something.

And just because he says he won’t go, that doesn’t mean he won’t be resentful about it after it percolates a while.

Is that because you feel that him showing up without you in some way makes you look like a stick in the mud? Or somehow “outs” your feelings about Mrs. W? Or makes you look like a jerk to the Ws? I know that’s what would be concerning me if I were you and in this situation.

But if my (imaginary) boyfriend wanted to go on a trip without me, even with people we usually only see as “couples,” I think it might feel strange that he went without me, but not upsetting.