This was moved to MPSIMS for your protection - you probably don’t want anyone calling you stupid or saying it’s all your fault right now, and that is not allowed in MPSIMS (but it is likely in the Pit). You can use any language you want in MPSIMS - this is an adult site.
Now for the advice part - you need professional help, and far more help than you can get on a message board. You are in a very dangerous situation, and if you keep getting yourself into dangerous situations, you are going to get hurt. You also need help figuring out why you keep getting into dangerous situations. Please look after yourself and talk to some kind of counsellor in the domestic abuse field - and if they warn you that his behaviour will escalate once you leave him, BELIEVE THEM.
I appreciate everyone’s remarks. I guess I kinda already knew most of this, but just couldn’t believe it. How did this happen? How did I get here? I come from a middle class family, never abused as a child, loving parents, college education, all that. This is not my MO. I don’t like being here at all. I get to meet the locksmith tonight at 7. Please, I really hope you are exagerating when you say the behaviour will escalate. This is really more than I can handle already. I am scared, I’ve never wanted a gun in my life, but now I am thinking of stopping by the pawn shop. Or moving to an undisclosed location. Wow, your right, I need help. Message boards aren’t gonna cut it.
I’m not saying it will escalate to scare you; I’m saying it because the behaviour is about control, and when you leave or end the relationship, he loses what control he has, and that can cause escalation. But really, you need to hear this from someone who deals with domestic abuse in your city, who can actually give you concrete advice and tell you what services are available and how best to deal with this situation safely. If you can’t find anything else, start with your local police or hospital - they know where all the resources for abused women are in your location. You may have to move to an undisclosed location - you won’t be the first or the last abused person to do so to try to shake off an ex who just wouldn’t get the message.
On the plus side, many domestic abusers are actually quite the chickenshits–when you grow a pair, get some overwhelming force on your side and refuse to submit many of them decide it’s just simpler all around to go bug somebody else.
As for you guys dissin’ on the RO–keep in mind that in many cases it includes her house and place of work even if she’s not there at the time. Get him on camera getting into her house and violating the RO and bingo–he’s gonna spend the weekend in jail thinking it over. Many assholes decide at that point that it’s just not worth it to play games with you after they’ve had to spend a little time in a cell where they have NO power.
And just in case that’s not enough, something on this site would keep him right where he is until the cops arrive–no more of that “oooh, I’m gone like a SHADOW, ain’t you scared?” shit.
Fight back, you’ll be amazed at how much less you feel like shooting your head when you do…
I would recommend not gettign a gun until you have gotten past this feeling that you might want to shoot yourself. With a gun in the house, you’d be at more danger from making an impulsive decision that you didn’t really want to make.
But, yes, I DO think it would be good if you can find a way to at least temporarily stay somewhere else. Try calling a women’s shelter in your community and see what they can suggest. This guy does sound like he could be dangerous.
I hope you’re able to get out of this situation without any more trouble from him.
hugs jujuju I understand where you are coming from. If i weren’t for your location (many many miles away from mine) I would ask if you were dating my ex-husband. Without knowing all the details, I can’t give much advice, as everyone’s situation is different. I do agree that you should get a restraining order in place ASAP. True, it won’t stop him, but it’s a good cover your ass move nonetheless. Also, you really should talk to your PO. Yes, it will be a black mark against you, but honesty really is the best policy, especially when dealing with law enforcement types.
So sorry that you are going through this. I’ll send good vibes and warm wishes your way until I know that you’re okay. hugs again
jujuju: You don’t have to do this alone. Really, really, get in touch with the local women’s shelter. Denial and self-blame can paralyze you - this isn’t really happening, what did I do to deserve this, etc. Especially if you haven’t gotten help from the cops, it’s time to bring in someone who knows the system and what bells to ring. It’s not a failure to get help. You are not helpless yourself, but you are running around in circles. Don’t even wait until the holiday is over - do it now.
Sorry if I sound overbearing. I used to work at the local hotline, and your situation is not good, if classic. You Are Not Alone. But you are in danger of escalation, seriously.
jujuju, you’re getting good advice in this thread and I don’t have anything to add in the way of advice. I did want to adress the phone problem, though. You can get perfectly good prepaid phones anytime you want at WalMart, Target, etc. Net10 phones are only $30 with 300 minutes of airtime included (all calls are ten cents a minute - long distance, roaming, whatever).
You’ll need access to some sort of phone (or possibly computer w/internet connection) in order to activate it (activation is immediate, btw), but at least this way you’re not permanently cut off from the world anytime he might decide to take or damage your phone.
I wish you the very best in dealing with this situation. I hope you will get help from professionals who have experience dealing with this kind of thing. His behavior is indeed likely to get worse.
The best solution would be for him to spend time behind bars, but even then, he’ll eventually get out. I know someone who went through that. No violence, but threats and stalking that lasted for over 15 years. For all I know it’s still going on.
It’s a sucky situation. Maybe (and I’m not condoning this, mind you) he could manage to fall down some stairs on a regular basis. Damn, did I just write that?
The phone will be alright, I think I may even be able to get it replaced under warrantee if I claim it fell out of the car.
Now he loves me again.
I went to the lawyer yesterday, and he suggested we stay away from each other for a week and then come to an agreement, which I agreed with. He keeps calling though. And he knows I am leaving town tonight, so I don’t know what will happen. I am just taking everything I have with me, that way he can’t take it.
It’s weird, now he is all lovey dovey. Still scared, but better. I have a friend that gave me some suggestions on how to rig the door so I can see if he’s been in when I am not there (piece of paper in the door, that kind of thing) but I can’t use the camera on my phone for eveidence, but at least I will know.
I just hope he doesn’t follow me to my family’s house for thanksgiving. That would be bad.
He’s acting all lovey because that’s what abusers do. They know they need to act nice for a while to string the target of their abuse along, to get that person to let the guard down. He’s changed this time! He won’t ever do it again! Until he does it again.
I will be thinking of you and wishing for the best.
The lovey-dovey stuff is classic abuser behavior. Don’t walk away, but run.
Do you have an alternate place to stay when visiting the family? A sib, cousin, or friend? Try some place he wouldn’t expect on first or second thought. And tip the family goons off to what’s happening in case he shows up uninvited and unwelcome.
Do a little search on “abused women honeymoon period.” I think that will open your eyes to the lovey-doveyness. As VunderBob said, this guy is textbook abuser.
As others have said, it’s classic behavior. It’s called the cycle of violence because of the way things like the honeymoon phase and the violent outburst keep coming around and around again.
<broken record> I will reiterate that I think you need to talk to someone who’s familiar with this and can offer you some tangible help.</broken record>
Don’t be fooled; the “lovey dovey” is just another way to control you by sucking you back into the cycle.
I think getting in touch with the local women’s shelter (as above(Alpine)) would be good advice. They have access to all possible resources and professional counseling.
But as far as the gun: originally posted by DropZone: “maybe a Taser. And possibly something bigger than a .22, but she should learn how to handle and use it, too.” I agree with learning how to handle and use it, but Masad Ayoob’s research into one shot kills showed that the smallest caliber you want to shoot someone with is a .38 special. Unless you wanted to accidentally kill them with something smaller.
I don’t think the Restraining Order is a whole lot of help. It is useful after he violates it in getting him thrown in jail, but it doesn’t keep him from abusing Jujuju.
Jujuju, contact your local abused women’s shelter. lay the entire situation out to them. ask for their help.