- Just lies there like beef.
- Smells bad.
- Smells fake.
- Doesn’t smell at all.
- Backseat drives: “Too fast! Too slow! Not there! Not there either! Ow! You’re ___ing my ___!”
- Anxiety vampire: “What do you mean you don’t wanna do ___? You’re not, like, gay are you?”
- Gives even the slightest hint at any point in the proceedings that she might pull out some electric hedge clippers and cut off your dick.
- Will not take off any and all clothing, including shoes.
When the sheep just stands there.
When the spinning blades cause penile lacerations.
Although I don’t suffer from the same thing you do, I’ve had a similar experience.
Sometimes, it takes me a while. like the first time, where it took me 3 hours and i didn’t get to finish My ex couldn’t really…grasp that. She wouldn’t put forth the effort, she thought it was her, and I couldn’t tell her ENOUGH that it’s just because I take a while. Then she simply stopped trying. Obviously, that’s where the beginning of the end happened.
Turning the lights off. Seriously, if you have to turn the lights off, then I’m just assuming you must look like the Elephant Man. If someone looks unattractive for whatever reason, and is trying to hide it with darkness, I’m still going to feel whatever it is they’re trying to hide. The bottom line is that if the lights MUST go off for sex to happen, its a red flag for me.
For quite a while I thought that I just didn’t get much out of oral sex, then later realized that the people who had been giving it to me were lousy at it.
In general, I’m rather skeptical of people who brag about being good at [sex act]. People are so different that what feels great for one person feels stupid for someone else. Personally I try to avoid saying, I’m good at ‘X’ and rather say, I enjoy doing/giving ‘X’. This way, I don’t set some unreasonable expectation with the person which inevitably ends with them being disappointing I wasn’t nearly as good as they thought I would be.
But as they say in Livejournal, even bad sex is better than a good day at work 
I dunno, I’ve had some pretty good days at work and some pretty bad sex…
Basically if everyone’s getting what they want out of it, then you’re halfway there. If someone feels cheated or misled, then it’s going to be bad. Also, if you’re getting something out of that you DON’T want (like a lifelong obligation to be nice to the person because she “gave it up” to you–which speaks volumes about just how bad a mistake that encounter was) then it’s bad.
I’d rather have a BAD day at work than one bad sexual encounter.
Or when your blow up Claudia Schiffer gets a puncture…hissssssssssssss
Not strictly on-topic, but I just wanted to mention that yeast infections are odorless. An unpleasant odor is much more likely to be caused by a bacterial infection, which a woman may not be aware of, since they’re mostly symptomless. They are, however contagious (as is the yeast infection, incidentally). Chlamydia and trichomoniasis run rampant through the population mostly because almost no one knows they have them unless they get tested.
So boys, if you smell something funny, stop worrying about how unpleasant the oral is, and start thinking that perhaps you shouldn’t stick your dick in there. (Also, if you care anything about the woman, say something. Awkward? Yes. But probably very helpful.)
This has been a public service announcement.
So…um…how does something like this get brought up with minimal hurt feelings?
Honestly? I don’t think there’s any great, self-esteem building way to say “Honey, you’ve got something a little funky going on down there.” Obviously it would be a lot harder to bring up with someone you don’t know well, and I’m not saying that you should ALWAYS say something. If you’ve known the woman for ten minutes, I don’t have any real ethical objection to you going along your merry way and letting her deal with her own health issues. But I think that if you care for someone, and you have any sort of trust established between you, it’s probably worth the discomfort.
Remember kids, the WORST sex is the sex that leaves you with that itchy burning sensation!
Thank you, DianaG. I’d like to stress that a fishy or otherwise foul odor is never, to my knowledge, normal. There are a lot of jokes, stereotypes, and misconceptions that maybe, for some women, a rank smell is just her and not necessarily anything pathological, but even an unwashed cootchie shouldn’t smell like fish. If she has trichomoniasis, and you stick that thing in there, you will get it, be asymptomatic, and give it to the next woman, and on and on.
Whether you should say something, I vote yes. You will almost surely hurt her feelings, but it might convince her to go to the doctor. A simple prescription will clear it up and prevent who knows how many people from getting it. And that is worth more than momentary hurt feelings.
Fight ignorance in the bedroom, too!
I can only offer two examples of bad sex from personal experience.
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The last time I ever had sex with my first wife. She had already (I now know) decided to divorce me, and was going through the motions, treating the wholle thing like an unpleasant chore. Even if I were the most selfish man alive (and I’m not), there’s no way to enjoy sex with a woman who just wants to get it over with.
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My wife and I went through fetility treatment for some time, before we finally adopted our son. Intercourse during that period was little more than a chore for either of us, at that point. No spontaneity, no romance, practically no pleasure.
Imagine the possibilities.
Probably only two things come to mind.
One. Talking too damn much like we’re in a porn movie.
Two. Umm, if it is late at night and we’ve both been out, let’s get off in a reasonable amount of time. I don’t have an hour at 3 in the AM when I"m tired and hungover.
Too much teeth and I would rather jack off than get a blowjob.
I had a rebound relationship after my first real long-term relationship in college. So I wasn’t looking for much, and I was pretty laid back about the whole thing.
Thing was, when she got excited, her nipples popped in making the whole experience painful for her. I told her it was probably an easy thing to take care of (it is), but it meant that, if she was sober, she’d never get very interested.
When she was tipsy, she started out well, but ended up crying by the end.
Uh. There’s nothing that’s a bigger turnoff than making love to someone and it brings them to tears.
I suspect she had some pretty hetfy issues going on, and was doing this to get back at her boyfriend, who I don’t actually think she left. (But I don’t think he noticed anything, their relationship seemed to be one of indifference.)
So. Physioloigcal conditions leading to pain…that’s bad sex. Someone with some serious baggage - bad sex.
What’s wierd is, she gave mind_bending blowjobs. followed by the gagging stumble to the trashcan to spit it out…In my limited experience, I can at least say I’ve experienced bad sex.
If something falls off.
I had one that was 2, 3 & 6. I let that one go on for a pretty long time, for lack of anything (anyone) better to do. She’d ask when I was coming over to “do” her, and, sadly, she meant it literally. I managed to teach her a few things, but still I had to do most of the work. She wouldn’t even arch her back or shift her hips for cunnilingus, which left me with a sore neck and a near-broken nose. These symptoms were exacerbated by the fact that she would sit there like a corpse for an hour sometimes, giving me no feedback, and no indication that I was making any progress. This was terrible sex.
I had one that was 4 & 5. We had some discussions about it, which were awkward. Then it started to hurt when I peed. I complained about it. I also got treated by a competent urologist (nothing permanent, went away with diflucan). She didn’t really give a crap; wouldn’t get treated herself. After that, I couldn’t get near her without almost puking because in addition to causing me physical injury:
1. It smelled like rotting mackerel
2. It was sort of like spackle, consistency-wise–it stuck to the face.
3. She apparently enjoyed the smell and texture and would eat it herself.
For me, that OMG-I’m-gonna-hurl feeling is inconsistent with normal sexual functioning. This was disgusting sex.
My first wife was a classic number 1. Cold fish. Then again, when we were together, I was very physically attracted to her, and much younger and hornier. Back then, for me, it was any port in a storm. Now, I really don’t have time for perfunctory sex. I’ve got staff reports to write. 
Bad sex is when your partner dies immediately after. You don’t know whether to be flattered or contrite.
Worse sex if if your partner dies during. You don’t know whether to finish or call the undertaker. First.
Me? I haven’t had any bad sex. Lucky me.