This came out of a random barroom discussion, so take it as you will.
For whatever reason, you have offended the powers that be. In their rage, these powers are sending their champion to smite you at some pre-determined time. This nemisis will be on you like Buddy Revell and they will keep on you until one of you are dead (or at least fucked up real bad). No matter what you do, you cannot escape your appointment with destiny.
The good news…you most assuredly can win this fight if you try. The bad news…you are pretty much going to look like the biggest jerk in the world to whoever witnesses it…which will be everyone.
Choose your opponent:
-A big, strong, simpleminded child
-A girl half your size who is an expert in martial arts
-An aggressive but frail, uncoordinated, athema afflicted, bespectled man
-A senile elderly man who happens to be a hard core combat vetern
-A midget (or little person…whatever the PC term is)
No weapons allowed.
Any of these opponents are strong enough to eventually beat you to death if you let them.
There is not ulterior political motive or statement here. By now you should have realized that the powers that be are not trying to kill you. They are trying to make you look like a giant douche for beating up on someone smaller and/or weaker than you.
The girl half my size, who is an expert in martial arts.
I don’t dig kicking ass on children, or elderly or frail people senile or no. And a little person without any extraordinary skills or strength seems too easy.
Assuming by ‘girl’ you mean someone older than ‘child’…even if she is half my size, her martial arts training will go far to cancel any advantage I have over her as far as size.
Overall, I think she’d be the one most likely to win. And if I end up winning, I’ll end up in the worst shape after a tangle with her. So my doucheness will be minimized
Gimme the bespectacled man. Throw in some scoliosis and anemia too, while you’re at it. I briefly considered going with the strong child, thinking maybe I could play it off as beating to death some jerkass teenager, but the intent of the poll was probably more along the lines of a young Lenny from Of Mice and Men.
Yet another vote for Aggressive but frail, uncoordinated, asthma afflicted, bespeckled man.
I’ll let him take the first swing, then end the fight as quickly as possible. Shoot in for the leg, float over, choke him out. Shouldn’t be a mark on him when I’m done. Whatever spectators there may be will see me act in self defense, with minimal force under the circumstances.
That was my thought too. I just know that if I pick him, he’ll turn out to be some sort of seven foot tall genetic anomaly who likes to break his toys.
Not the girl; she’d never win a pounding match and will know it, so she’d be forced to use the kinds of attacks that do permanent harm. Breaking joints, popping eyes, that sort of thing. Once she breaks a knee I won’t be in much shape to keep her from kicking me to death.
The aggressive frail bespectacled man. If he is frail he’ll probably wind up hurting himself attacking me. All I’d have to do is defend myself and if he managed to get in a cheap shot or something I would feel justified in fighting back.
I almost went with the . . . uh . . . little person? If he was about my age and fitness level, well, it still wouldn’t be a fair fight, but at least it wouldn’t be me beating on a girl or child.
I pick the child, because I suspect I can subdue him fairly efficiently without really injuring him, and without looking like a brute (I’m assuming that if I have him immobilized, I’m not required to inflict pain for its own sake).
A genuine martial artist would probably hurt me, even in circumstances which allowed me to take her down in the end. The next two will get themselves hurt in resisting me. The “midget” is a wild card; I have no idea what he can do.
I’d go for the combat veteran. Hopefully the senility will go some way to making him forget how to kill someone with a spoon. The rest all have some big strength, training, size, aggression, or the unaccusatomed nature of combat with dwarves. I think I’d be able to take the old fellah relatively quickly, and it’d be important to do that. Can’t let them grind you down.
I went with girl, assuming she was of age. Maybe I could cop a feel or something. Otherwise I guess the old man would make me feel less guilty about kicking his ass. The big, strong simpleton sounds like the most dangerous.
I went with the frail guy, since he’s the only one I think I might have a chance against. The last time I arm-wrestled a woman half my size, I lost. If she also has significant martial arts skill, it’s no contest. Well, I guess I do have some martial arts training myself, and more reach, but I’m so far out of practice that I don’t really trust myself to be able to do anything more than fall (I’m really good at falling).
Likewise with the others: I’ve had cousins who, even when they were about 10 years old, could have disassembled me with their bare hands if they so chose (fortunately, they didn’t), and my grandfather, even in his 80s, was still able to give a crushing handshake even with the trick grip I use, and so on.
Given this, wouldn’t you want to fight the most worthy opponent? Wouldn’t choosing the one that you feel you could most easily overcome be super douche-tastic?
I stand by my choice of the martial-arts girl, because the objective seems to be to win while minimizing the appearance of douchy-ness.
And this post wins for the greatest number of times I have used the word ‘douche’ or variations thereof in a post.
Frail old man. Honor be damned. I see no reason to endanger myself unduly when the PTB have decided to put me into a death match for their enjoyment. I’ll deal with them later.
I’m not a large man so I see no reason to give away a size and weight advantage to the simpleton.
Being trained myself, I’m quite aware of what a martial artist can do with only one good opening and I’m not giving it to a trained opponent. The girl is out.
Likewise the combat veteran. Much of that stuff becomes ingrained into muscle memory. I don’t need his body to suddenly remember how to kick out a knee from behind.
The little person could be extremely well trained, strong, and difficult to deal with because of their proportions. My general strategy in this fight is going to go for a simple guillotine choke and keep at it until my opponent is unconscious or dead if so demanded. Doing so to a little person could be much more difficult. The frail old man is far better target for this type of attack as he has breathing issues to start with, and is unlikely to be able to muster up enough strength or tricks to seriously harm me.
Nope. I see no great shakes in having an honorable death. It messes with my plans for the weekend. I want to paraphrase the “rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6” thing here but can’t think of a good way to do it.
