I assume I’m paying if I’m the one who did the asking-out. I mean, you can contribute or even pay for the whole thing if you want, no problem there. I just feel like it’s kind of a dick move to ask someone out on a date and not foot the bill.
yep, slip of the keyboard. Inviter pays.
I do not understand this, what is this “nuance” that escaped you?
“But even taking the above as your question” (below), as if my initial question wasn’t actually a question?
I do not demand special treatment because English is not my native language, but honestly I do not understand what you mean.
But the matter of “the one who suggested the drink gets to pay” has already been discussed. If one guy meets a guy and says “hey, lets have a beer”, nobody expects the guy who utter those words to pay the bill. (See upthread.)
I also do not agree with “many people said this is not the case”. Quite the opposite my feeling (yes, feeling, becuase I’m unable to know or show that it is so for obivous reasons) is that most women – in opposite to men – who responded to my initial question share the puzzlement of the OP.
We all know that, and I think I addressed that in post #2 or somewhere thereabouts, and also returned to it later. That is not the question.
I don’t agree, but I also don’t leave my wallet at home. The element you are missing is hospitality. It used to be that people had each other over to their homes for dinner - usually on a Sunday afternoon. But that is fairly rare these days. Now, most hospitality is in the form of inviting someone out to a meal, or some other entertainment.
It’s always a moment of awkwardness for me if I’m on the receiving end. I’m never quite sure if the other person was raised with the same rules. Some will be offended if you don’t offer to pay, some if you do. I personally get really bothered when someone makes a fuss to pay for their own meal or ticket when I’ve asked them to come with me. I try to take it lightly, but it bugs me.
The assumption is that each will entertain as they wish and can afford, and that the long term enjoyment offered will equal out. The broke friend can always plan a day at a museum, the zoo, or a picnic. It doesn’t matter, the point is to make the effort to be hospitable.
So if you are so horribly bothered by paying for a date, then maybe you should plan an activity that doesn’t cost so much, or at all. It’s not a transaction, it’s a social interaction.
Dear TruCelt, thanks for taking time, but unfortunately this thread has nothing to do with hospitality. I have many times been at the receiving end of hospitality and sometimes at the giving end of it too. I think hospitality is a good thing, but that has nothing to do with this thread. I think that the title of the thread make this clear, but if it is not clear, please PM a moderator to have him or her clarify it for you, and any other doper.
Also, I’m not “horribly bothered”. Sometimes people starts threads on the internet that they are not “horribly bothered” by. They might for instance be a bit curious, and they want to have a discussion about it. Right now I’m having an interesting discussion regarding men habitually paying the bill for “high earning women”
[quote shag man]
because they are men, and because the other part is a woman.
I find that curious.
I’m not “horribly bothered” by it.
I find it curious. So I’m asking dopers what they think about it.
Is this difficult to understand?
If so, how old are you?
No. Most women are not going to interpret his willingness to pay as any sort of insinuation about her finances. Most will just consider it as him doing something nice (or, if he’s leering at her the whole meal, as an attempt to get into her pants).
Most women, no. For starters, it’s one of those things in which the US has stayed stuck in modes of courtesy which much of Western Europe abandoned sometime during the early 20th century, and that’s limiting ourselves to euro-originated customs. The first time a guy held a chair for me I didn’t understand WTF was he doing, was the chair bothering him? It wasn’t in his way or anything, why had he grabbed it? I wanted to sit down…
There’s a strange assumption here that men object to paying on dates. Some men might object, but I certainly don’t. (I don’t think I’ve ever dated a ‘high earning woman’ per se).
I was actually once on a date where I suggested splitting the bill and she was really offended, so I learned my lesson early. I’m currently (semi-casually) dating someone who paid for a drink on our first date b/c I didn’t have my wallet at hand, but was careful to add, “don’t worry, you’ll be paying for most things if we start dating.”
Yes, this is definitely me. I’m looking for someone who likes traditional gender roles (to a point: I don’t care about monogamy, etc., but I do like the traditional gender roles when it comes to things like paying), so the whole question about paying is a really good filter for me. If someone wants to split things 50/50, we won’t be agood fit.
If taking someone out on a date is not hospitality, then what is it? That’s a bizarre statement to me.