I had a conversation in a bar last night that made me feel terribly old-fashioned.
Does anybody besides me believe that “hooking up” with someone very soon after meeting them (same night) drastically reduces the chance of a longer term relationship?
I am in my mid thirties, and have done extensive yet anecdotal research on the subject. It is not a lack of respect, or applying a moral standard to someone that I do not apply to myself, that makes me believe this. I think, at least for me, that the time honored tradition of getting to know somebody as a person prior to becoming intimate works better.
Anyway, the conversation started when one of my friends pointed out that a woman I was attracted to, and interested in, appeared willing to go home with me. My response that I’d rather not ruin a potential good thing drew, um…criticism.
I am sure a lot depends on the individual, but I’m interested in hearing opinions.
I agree with you, but then I’ve recently been accused of being a traditionalist. (Yes, it stung, but since I suspect it’s true, I can’t argue too hard.) It seems to me that if you have to work for something you value it more, and sleeping with someone hours after you meet him tells him you’re not girlfriend material. I could fil
Stupid computer that posts before I’m done just because I hit a stupid key.
To finish: I could fill pages with anecdotes from friends who’ve gone the “pick a guy up in a bar” route, who shockingly found it wasn’t a relationship. I’ve never had a friend pick a guy up in a bar, sleep with him that night, and end up in a long-term relationship with him. (I should point out I have had friends pick up guys in bars, not sleep with them, and later marry them.) Of course, my sample may not be representative.
It only reduces the chance because it is a fairly indescriminate approach to intimacy. I think it’s fallacious thinking to assume fucking on the first night dooms the relationship to ephemerality. Rather, you’re not trying to get to know the person first, so the chance you’ll find out you’re incompatible after sex is obviously greater, as you made sex a higher initial priority than finding a long-term relationship.
Gay man checking in. In my 20’s I was a slut. And continued the practice and was actually seeing a couple of guys on a regular basis when I met this other guy in a bar. We went home and had sex the first night.
February 28th will be our 25th anniversary together.
I wouldn’t even factor it into the equation, as it has zero effect in my experience. I’ve had one-night stands, I have sex on the first date that led to short-term relationships, I’ve had girls make me wait upwards of 5 weeks for sex (we’re talking a date almost every night, not one date a week.) In all my varied experience, the amount of time between meeting and having sex has seemed to have virtually no effect on the outcome of the relationship.
My wife and I had sex within about 3 hours of meeting each other. I knew almost immediately that I was in love with her and wanted to spend more time with her with or without sex. The sex was just an added bonus.
The funny thing is, the more people there are that believe sex on a first date dooms relationships (falsely or not), the more likely it is to be true. (Or, should I say, “become” true?) Assume this belief is dominant. If both partners are looking for a potential relationship, then sex won’t happen. And if one partner IS willing to have sex, that signals one of two things: either they aren’t really looking for a relationship, or the other person doesn’t quite measure up to their criteria.
That being said, in the real world, I do not believe having sex early on dooms anything. The fact that hookups usually don’t lead into long-term relationships isn’t surprising. If no sex had occurred, the result would most likely have been exactly the same.
I think that’s quite well put.
Anyway, what I was going to say on my own is this:
There was a time I would have argued with you. Basically because when I was young and sexually adventerous (well I still am but in a different way ) I found myself resenting guys who seemed to write me off as “serious girlfriend” material because I was as willing to have sex as…well, as they were. Hey, it was both of us who were young and horny and slutty the night before and I’m still willing to consider where we go from here on it’s own merits! Thou hypocrite!!
That said, I agree with you. Intimacy is a delicate thing…and if you’re looking for long term intimacy…
There’s certainly a difference between saying “she fucked me on the first date, I can’t have anything more to do with her!” (which you should get shit for) and “I didn’t want to rush the intimacy because I think this could be important”. Which makes sense to me.
(Hee. Of course my SO and I managed to have sex within hours of meeting…in fact he was upset I made him wait till after dinner. But then we’d be talking about 6 hours a day online for the past three months…intimacy is a complicated thing )
yet anecdotal research on the subject. It is not a lack of respect, or applying a moral standard to someone that I do not apply to myself, that makes me believe this. I think, at least for me, that the time honored tradition of getting to know somebody as a person prior to becoming intimate works better.
) I found myself resenting guys who seemed to write me off as “serious girlfriend” material because I was as willing to have sex as…well, as they were. Hey, it was both of us who were young and horny and slutty the night before and I’m still willing to consider where we go from here on it’s own merits! Thou hypocrite!!
)