I will try to keep this as short as possible. Almost 6 months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, “Sally,” who I had been dating for about a year. Towards the end of the relationship, I had been feeling distant, and had been seriously considering whether to end it or not. Sally had been a friend to me before we started dating, and I was beginning to realize I still thought of her as a friend at times, and wasn’t really in love with her anymore, if I ever had been. We had been growing apart, but unfortunate events like Sally’s grandmother passing away made it easier for myself to postpone the inevitable breakup, which I was dreading.
One night, I made a big mistake. Sally and I had recently met a girl named “Jane” and had been spending some time with her and other mutual friends for about 4 months. The very first time I met Jane, I knew that she might be trouble for me. I was instantly attracted to her beauty, intelligence, and sense of humor, in a way that I never felt towards Sally. She gave me butterflies in my stomach, something I never had felt with my girlfriend. Sally and I had somewhat of a relationship of convenience, but with Jane, after a couple of months, I felt like I was falling in love. I began to talk to her online when Sally wasn’t around. Friendly conversations, nothing that could be considered flirtatious, but the way her mind worked was stimulating to me.
Anyway, you all can probably tell where this is going. After a party one night, Sally went home, in a bad mood, as was usual towards the end of our relationship, and left Jane and me together at our friend’s house. We were drunk before Sally left, and we got much more drunk after. The party began to thin out, and soon we were the only ones on the couch. I told her that I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and she told me that she felt the same way. We kissed, and it was one of the most satisfying moments I can remember. We both realized we had done something very wrong, and so we stopped ourselves from going any further.
I told Sally the next day, and we broke up. I felt terrible. The worst part was that she said she could forgive me, and I had to tell her I couldn’t accept that from her. I told her I didn’t feel the same way about her anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how strongly I felt about Jane, so I downplayed the emotional side of the night, and portrayed it more as a drunken accident. It was dishonest of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Sally anymore than I already had.
After this Jane and I began a very on again off again relationship. We didn’t see each other for about a month after the break up, a gesture of respect to Sally, who we both felt awful about hurting. But soon Sally moved out of town, and Jane and I began to move ahead with things. We went on walks, talked about how strange relationships can be, became intimate, and spent the night at each other’s houses most of the week. There would be times when Jane regretted how our relationship started, and she would say that she needed to reconsider things. But this would only last a day or two, and we would end up seeing each other again.
We never really talked about where our relationship was headed. I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I was afraid that pressuring her might scare her off, given the ambivalent feelings she had sometimes. It was enough to me that we were exclusive, and that I was spending time with her. I didn’t want to risk anything just so we could put a label on our relationship.
She went up to Canada for a month to visit her family. When she came back, things had changed. She told me that she didn’t think anything good could come out of what we had, considering how it all started. She told me that she didn’t think she could ever get past that. I didn’t really argue with her, because who am I to question her moral judgements? I also thought it might be like the other times, and she would change her mind in a couple days.
Well, she hasn’t. I think that a big reason she changed her mind is because of hateful things that Sally told her while she was in Canada. Sally sent Jane hate e-mails, calling her a whore, basically acting like a high schooler. I really don’t understand Sally’s motivation here. She’s not pining for me. She found a new boyfriend a month after we broke up. Yet she still is intent on making Jane and I as miserable as possible.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like Jane is sending me mixed messages, but I don’t know if that’s all in my head. After “our talk” she didn’t break off contact with me. She’ll instant message me every few days, or text me. I feel like she might miss me too, but I can’t decide how to act. On the one hand, I want to try to appear somewhat cool and not desperately available to her, which is why I usually wait for her to initiate any communication. But I also don’t want her to think I’ve lost interest in her. The truth is I am in love with this woman, and the relationship we had, even though it was only for a couple months, was the best I’ve ever had. I just wish I met her at some other point in my life. But I feel like I should respect her moral judgement and not push her to change her mind.
I guess to wrap it up… Should I:
A. Tell her I miss her, that I’m in love with her, and that I would never dream of hurting her the way I hurt Sally?
B. Forget her? (a.k.a. wait around in vain for her to change her mind)