SANTA MARIA, Calif. (AP)—Michael Jackson, hobbling into court without a shoe because of a spider bite that made his foot swell, testified Tuesday in a $21 million breach-of-contract case that he could not recall details about his canceled millennium concerts. Before beginning his testimony Tuesday, Jackson sat down in the witness chair and hooted and squeaked, “Eeeow!” several times into the microphone and made comical faces at courtroom observers.
Mike Jackson: “This spider bite makes my foot smart!”
Ike Jackson: “You should try getting it to bite your head, then!”
Does this mean that now he’ll be able to climb walls and shoot web from his wrists? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch. And at least he’d be wearing a mask.
In late-breaking news, the spider seems to be developing the ability to sing and is planning its first music video, once it recovers from having its skin whitened.
SANTA MARIA, CA.- AP (Arachnid Press) – Spider dead after biting Michael Jackson.
Neville Nephila just couldn’t resist the allure of white meat said mournful friends and family, this seems to have led to the poor fellows death late Monday. After a busy afternoon of web-weaving in the Neverland Estate’s indoor giraffe paddock, Neville finally gave in to temptation and bit the “King of Pop”.
“He was always curious about what lay behind those sequined socks” said one of Nephila’s 26,342 children, “I guess it got the better of him”.
Spider paramedics on the scene diagnosed Nephila as suffering from severe collagen poisioning, and rushed him off St. Charlotte’s hospital, Burbank. After several hours in intensive care Neville seemed to make a complete recovery and was released to the care of his wife, who promptly ate him.
“It’s bloody pointless sometimes” claimed Dr. William Salticidae in a press statement.
