Just a few things I need to get off my chest, feel free to join in.
Dear Sheik Elhilaly;
Go fuck yourself. Your comparison of women to meat was out of line and saying it wasn’t appropriate ‘for a Western society’ is just fucked up. Go die somewhere.
Much love,
Me
P.S. Just FYI - The gang rapists weren’t given harsher sentences because they were Muslims, it was because what they did was irrevocably fucked up beyond belief and they had zero remorse for what they did AND were likely to re-offend.
Dear HSC,
You Suck!
Go die,
Me.
Dear Mathematics Exam,
I hate you. I hate the people who set you for putting three-unit questions into a two-unit paper so two-unit students can’t get 100% but three-unit students can.
Go die,
Me.
Dear Dean,
You are so unbelievably fucking stupid and socially retarded. I can deal with you most of the time but saying to my boss’ face that he was in line for a divorce because he was away from home so often was out of fucking line. He’s a devoted husband to his wife - something you wouldn’t know anything about. What the hell were you thinking? Oh my bad, YOU DON’T. Just piss off to New Zealand already AND LEAVE US THE FUCKING KEYS. You’ve sold it to us. We own the place now. We need access to the interior so I can take a goddamn piss when I’m on my own and don’t have to leave it unattended to run to the fucking bathroom in the cinema across the road.
Much hate,
Me.
To my body,
GET YOUR DAMN ACT TOGETHER BEFORE THE FUCKING WEDDING OR I’LL DEPRIVE YOU!
Regards,
Me.
P.S. Would it kill you to get some motivation? Seriously.
To Whitepages.com.au
Would it kill you to load a page? Seriously, why does it take 10 goddamn minutes for me to load a search page. Fuck you, cocksuckers.
the bird
Me.
To Internet Users on a particular site,
How utterly fucking stupid do you have to be to realise that the PM you recieved was a retarded forward message that someone made up? Moderators will not PM you, they will create an announcement. And stop taking those stupid fucking pictures of yourself. They do nothing for you and stop fucking saying ‘Excuse the fact that I’m so ugly’, you goddamn 13 year old attention whore. Get a fucking life so we can get on with it without having to deal with the people who pander to you.
the bird,
Me.
To the fucktart shit-stirrer,
You’re a stupid cow who I couldn’t kill without the aid of the following:
a) an elephant gun
b) a VERY deep pit with sharpened pikes covered with crude camo
c) full body armour.
To the bitch/whore/stupid cow who kissed my boyfriend,
What the hell is wrong with you? You met me as his girlfriend not three nights before you decided to lay one on him. Thankfully, he told you where to stick it. How dare you! Learn to respect other people’s boundaries, he’d already made it damn clear that he wasn’t interested in you or the other whores running around that damn Drama theatre. I’m coming to the theatre tonight and you had better show some damn shame if you see me there. I know your face and I know what you did. You stupid damn bitch, I hope this burst your fucking ego bubble, thinking that you could show that you were better than someone else. Well, all you showed us was that you’re a dumb slut.
You got all my money when you had the best possible hand and I had the second best possible hand. (I had JJ, board of J99xx, villain had 99.) That part doesn’t bother me. It happens. I’ve been on both sides, too. What does bother me is the fact that you immediately criticized my play and talked about how well you played the hand. You see, it’s easy to win when someone is betting into you while you hold 4 nines. You would have gotten all that money even if you were playing against Doyle muthafuckin’ Brunson. The fact that you flopped quads doesn’t make you a good poker player. Do you see why?
When it’s raining, overcast and there’s a bunch of spray, TURN YOUR GODDAMN LIGHTS ON. Contrary to what you may believe, driving a white car doesn’t make you visible.
And this goes for you people in your Super Land Fucker SUVs, too. 19 inches of ground clearance != visibility in a rainstorm, douchecocks.
To the Indonesian Government:
Tell your people to stop slashing and burning the fucking forests every August! You’re polluting the air, asswipe! Yeah, I know you guys don’t care 'cause August and September is when the wind changes direction and blows north to Malaysia and Singapore. So you can breathe easily but we can’t? Fuck you! Teach your farmers another, environmentally-safer way of opening up new land to grow crops. How? I don’t know! It’s your country, you figger it out, President Bangbang Yudhoyono!
I also saw on the news last night another cleric in Perth saying “There are so many rapes in society today, and almost all of the victims are women. What is this saying about them?”
Please stop telling me how gorgeous I look, stop calling me Beautiful. I am neither. You can tell me I look nice today, but that is all. You are really starting to creep me out.
You are a loon, a fruitcake, and a psychopath. While I didn’t move specifically because of you, I took the opportunity to leave you a cold trail so I can have some peace and quiet.
And you wonder why I don’t contact you. Well, if the e-mail doesn’t arrive, it’s me.
I will not e-mail you.
I will not call you.
I will not snail-mail you.
I will not sign up for MySpace, or any other similar site, just to mark you as a friend.
I won’t wish any imaginable death on you, but I will say take your miserable little life elsewhere and go play in the traffic.
/s/
You fucking asswipe. Shut your goddamn cakehole, you utter, utter douchebag. Look, it’s this simple: You’re an idiot. Why broadcast it? What made you slightly smarter than The Chimp was your appearance of patrician refinement and an appeal to your Boston brahmin pedigree. Since that that little illusion was blown to Hell some time ago, the best thing you could do presently is enjoy some catsup and keep your fucking trap zipped. Yes, I know it’s unfair that what you’ve said has been “misconstrued”. I know it’s absurd that you’re getting a bad rap for allegedly insulting troops, while the guy who’s criticizing you sent them to war to get their asses blown off in the first place. Here’s the thing: Today’s Republicans are the Dirtiest Sons-of-Bitches who ever came along, and the American electorate is comprised, in no small proportion, of a collection of knuckle-dragging retarded apes as easily distracted by vapid scandal-mongering as they are by gum wrappers and other shiney materials. You really ought to fucking know this by now, you twat. So if you can’t avoid putting your foot in your goddamn mouth, don’t open it, you miserable, stupid tit. Speak only when spoken to. Answer in as few words as possible. Make your wife take a vow of silence, just in case. Keep this up until 2009. After that, I don’t give a shit what you do. Quit, crash a plane, whatever. Just shut the fuck up, you knob.
To people who believe “there is no such thing as a stupid question.” You are wrong. This is something your third grade teacher told you to make you feel better about being stupid. There are all sorts of stupid questions, and sometimes smart people ask them, and sometimes stupid people ask them. Anything you could figure out for yourself with two seconds of deductive reasoning is a stupid question. Any question that basically repeats an answer or explaination that has already been given to you three times in the past hour qualifies as a stupid question. Anything that combines both of the above is a really stupid question and you deserve to be laughed at.
Enough with the nightmares already. I get the point- you know me well enough that you can always come up with something that will make me wake up screaming or with my muscles completely cramped from being tense. Thanks. I can live without.
How the hell can you work in an office and not know how to print? We’ve sent you to every computer class offered over the last 30 years. I checked. And the print button has a little printer on it. C’mon. It’s not rocket science. I know you know how to print. Remember last month when we had to explain (again) you do not have to print out every email in order to read it? Remember that button you were pushing nearly 50 times a day? Yep that’s how you print something, isn’t it? And when standing at the printer and I ask you if anything has printed, how about looking in the output tray to see if anything is there before you say nothing printed!
I realize that you have made a career out of being incompetent but this is too much. You are not senile. You’re just in your 50s. You have been more thoroughly trained than most people here so stop playing dumb. You complain about not having anything to do then when given a task you act stupid until we just give up and do it ourselves. Some assistant. Also, stop putting labels on folders upside-down. And could you please stand downwind? Your outgassing is giving me a migraine.
Hoping you choke on the fumes of the cheap cologne you marinate in…
When I ask you if there are numbers printed on a package and you say “No.” and then say “But there is a price/time.”, I just want you to know that I hate you. Those are numbers too, fuckers! Stop making my phone calls last 20 freakin’ minutes with your various strains of idiocy!
Love and Kisses,
Tokio
Dear Wnaboy’s Best Friend,
You don’t know me all that well. I’m tired of your constant “adorable” jokes that I’m an alcoholic. We hang out once every two to three weeks, and sometimes I have somewhere between 2-4 drinks. And you do too, dammit! I hardly ever drink otherwise. If I am drinking more than I usually do, which I may be slightly, it might be because my dad died recently. Maybe that’s not a reasonable way to handle it, but I think I can stay out of AA for at least the time being. Leave concern about my well being to people that actually know my habits. My boyfriend and roommate will be happy to let me know. Just because 2 drinks makes you pass out doesn’t mean my fat ass is affected the same way. You’re a goddamn bartender! Learn about how alcohol affects people differently!
Fuck off, but don’t die because my boyfriend likes you,
Tokio