Mini-rants! Now in Open-letter format!

The BBQ Pit
21

Dear Casey Fucking Affleck,

You go fuck yourself.

Not enough that I was dragged to see “Last Kiss,” a vile and humorless examination of a subject matter so banal that when I finally began choking on some popcorn, I actually considered allowing the food to continue blocking my airway, thereby affording me the sweet release of oblivion.

No, not enough. For you, Casey Affleck, talentless and misshapen shitbag that you are, had to prevail yet again upon your sibling relationship so as to get off work from the carpet store an hour early, and insert yourself into yet another film. Jesus fucking Christ, you annoy me. Is it that shitty little strip of jet black hair that relentlessly infests your lip? Or is it that screeching, nails-on-a-motherfucking-chalkboard noise that emits from beneath it, what an ordinary person would call a voice? Hey everyone stop rubbing cheese graters against the masonry, Casey’s trying to talk over here. Or maybe it’s that greasy miasma that just seems to fucking surround you, like you’re goddamned Pigpen from the Peanuts.

I do not know, Casey. But I do know that if I found your hapless ass dozing on the side of the road, I’d assume you were an escaped medical experiment and put you out of your misery with a shovel.

Stay away from the movies I watch, you weirdass fuck.

22

Dear buttcrack,

Stop itching so much!

Signed,

Me

23

Dear Clients,

We gave you a sheet that you signed and we made you a copy of when you signed up with us. It has our entire policy on it, and it’s not even long - it’s on one sheet, regular-sized font, and your signature and client information which we use to put into our database takes up the last third of the page. The instructions are incredibly simple: You may bring up to X amount of items in per appointment, and they must be complete, with all parts, or clean, unstained, not ripped or damaged in any way. If you have more items, double book. Please do not bring in 8 rubbermaid tubs full of baby clothes, then feign ignorance of our policy, which you signed and we gave you a copy of. We may turn away your items for any reason we wish, with no explanation, though we usually do explain. If I open your tub of clothes and can smell your garage, you did not follow policy and I can reject the whole thing. We are busy, we work our asses off to please our clients AND our customers. This is not easy to do. Attitude about it will get you nowhere.

Also, the phrase “Well, I know [the owner] and we go way back” will get you nowhere. I know the owner, too. I’m following her instructions. 90% of the people who say they “know” her, when we ask her, she has no idea. We know who she makes exceptions for. It isn’t you.

That is all.

24

To the dumbasses at Insight Communications,

Thank you so much for changing the channel lineup, and duplicating all the basic channels in “theme groupings.” Now I can’t go straight from basic cable to VH1 Classic/MTV Hits/Fuse/VH1 Soul without memorizing the numbers, and Og knows where ESPNU, ESPN Classic and ESPNEWS have gone.

I especially like how channels I’m not subscribed to are interleaved with the channels I do get, ensuring that flipping will subject me to multiple instances of “This is a subscription service.”

And was it really necessary to flip ESPN and A&E’s positions in the basic cable lineup? What really annoys me is that now ESPN2 comes before ESPN.

This is what I pay almost $90 a month for?

Go suck a tailpipe,

Me

25

Dear Shower Manufacturers,

Today, like most days, I enjoyed a shower. In said shower, there’s a knob which controls both volume of water and temperature of water. To increase the flow of water, I simply pull on the knob. To adjust the temperature, all I have to do is turn it to the left for “hot”, or to the left for “cold”. It’s a pretty good system.

However… the knob rotates a full 135 degrees (I’ve measured it). That’s most of a circle. And, dammit, you’re not using all of that circle. In fact, the range from “freezing my goddamn balls off, even in summer” to “supernova hot, like really fucking hot, so hot it’ll melt lead” is only three degrees (I’ve also measured THAT, bitches). Hell, pulling the knob out to turn on the water involuntarily moves the knob more than that, so every morning I have to fucking well readjust the temperature.

Why the fuck can’t you use the rest of the 132 degrees of motion? Ideally, all the way to the left would be nutshrivellingly cold, while all the way to the right would be burnin’-a-hole-through-space-shuttle-tilingly hot. And, most importantly, the water temperature would smoothly graduate between the two extremes as the knob is rotated. Wouldn’t this be a fucking improvement? Hell, I’ll even let you patent the damn thing, no charge.

Thanks, assholes!

26

Fuck. I was so irritated that I kept mixing up Left and Right. Feel free to substitute whichever is appropriate.

27

To My Co-Worker:

Mid-afternoon yesterday, we decided that you would spend the rest of the day getting the servers ready for the last of the install guide updates, so that today we could hunker down in the lab and get it all done. The deadline, as we both know, is COB today, but the amount of work left was eminently do-able.

Shortly after 9am I swung by your office, and you said that you were still doing some prep work on the servers. I said fine, no problem, I’ll work on this other stuff and you can ping me when we’re good to go. You agreed, and gave me the impression that you’d be ready in an hour or so.

I didn’t hear from you until 2:30pm, at which time you told me that you were still configuring stuff. Whatever, I figured I might be here a little late today anyway. Time was getting tight, but we reviewed what was left to be done and agreed that we could probably still crank it out.

At 5:30 I went by your office again, only to discover that you’d left for the day.

Without going through a single bit of the work we needed to do, never mind the deadline.

And without a word to me, while I’ve been sitting here waiting for you for god knows how long.

Fuck you.

–Jenny

28

Dear Customers,

Leave me alone, willya? I’m trying to play a little Madden over here!

Sheesh!
Hal

P.S. Just not, like, completely alone, you know? Like, not to the point where I don’t have a job anymore.

29

Dear co-worker,

Eight to five actually means you are supposed to be HERE…at work…between the hours of 8AM and 5PM. No, I don’t mind that you need the occasional extra hour off. I don’t mind that you have a doctor’s appointment. I do mind that not one single week since you got back from your hiatus have you actually worked 8-5 every day. Not one single week…since the end of August.

It is sad that your mother died. I think it’s great the company didn’t mind you taking 7 months off to take care of her, a month of leave to straighten out her affairs and then working “full-time” but averaging 21 hours weekly through your first month back. Expecting you to be here during business hours doesn’t mean that I “hate” you, as you proclaimed to your other co-workers. It means you are being paid to do a job and you should be here to do it. I know your last supervisor didn’t have the nerve to stand up to you and make you attend work with regularity, working part-time while drawing full-time “benefits”, but I do.

And no, I don’t hate you. But the pity party is getting fucking old.

And please stop calling me depressed and crying. I don’t know what to say to you when you do that. I hardly know you and it makes me uncomfortable. No, that doesn’t mean I hate you, either, I just don’t know what the FUCK to say!

~J

30

Dear Summer,

It was nice to have you visit, and we look forward to seeing you again next year. But it’s freaking November, for fuck’s sake. How the hell am I suppposed to snuggle up in front of the fireplace with Mama if you keep hanging around? Don’t you have an appointment to keep in Australia, or something?

31

Lot’s of office rants…

Dear Office-Person-Who-Uses-Half-A-SweetNLow-Packet:

Stop putting your half used packet back in the tray with the unopened packets! Every day we have SweetNLow spilled all over the office counter. People grab a packet and your half used, still open packets spills out all over. If it doesn’t spill on the counter, it spills out all over the tray. How’s about taking the damn half used packet with you and using the second half for your next cup of coffee.

Sincerely,

She who would prefer management not revoke our free coffee/sweetener priveleges because the damned counter is always such a mess.

Dear Color-Printer-Hog:

Don’t you think that if you’re printing 6 copies of a 50 page color document you should probably check it once in a while to make sure it comes out okay? I’m getting damned tired of going to pick up my one colored page only to find out only 3 pages of your monstrosity came through because the printer ran out of paper. Then I have to wait for the 297 remaining pages of yours as well as the 10 other documents in line ahead of mine because you haven’t bothered to check your document in the past 1/2 hour.

Sincerely,

Waiting, waiting, waiting…
Dear Not-So-New-Account-Rep:

I realize there’s a bit of a learning curve to your job. You started up it slowly and then leveled off. You’re not getting it, but it’s not because you’re “new.” You’ve been here 8 months. Maybe you should stop spending half your time socializing and the other half pretending to listen to your co workers while checking sports scores on the Web.

32

Dear Cat:

Quit jumping on my keyboard and making me submit my posts before they’re finished!

Sincerly,

She who just looked like a dumbass with her last post!

33

To my professors:

Do you guys get together and purposely plan all your tests so they fall in the same week? Your classes all have different numbers of tests, so I wonder how this happens often. You all must have an interest in seeing my mental health decline significantly for a couple weeks out of the semester. Either that or you hold stock in Camel or Budweiser. Fuck off.

-Me

(Seriously, one class has 2 exams, one has 3 and one has 4, yet I have a test in each of these classes in the next couple of days. And I honestly do my best studying the night before, so this is just upping my stress too much.)

To one of my bosses:

You are a smarmy asshole and I hate you. And my availability says 10am-2pm ONLY on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a reason, stop scheduling me outside of that, I have class! And also quit blatanly ignoring my request for not working more than 20 hours a week - I told you school comes first! Go hire the people you need instead of piling it all on us. Yeah I would like to make money but I won’t starve if I don’t and my GPA matters.

-Me

To whoever picks class registration dates:

Fuck off and die. I am a second semester junior and should have gotten a decent registration time finally. But noooo, I get a late one for no reason and because of it, it took me 2 hours and some tears to try to work out a schedule. And I hate to take a class I am not sure counts for anything because everything is FUCKING FULL ALREADY because of my shitty registration time. Thanks, I pay a shitton of money to go here and cannot get the classes I need/want! I hope all the sophomores in the spots in the classes I needed are happy!

-Me

To my roommate:

I ignored the note you left asking me to finish the dishes. “Will you finish the dishes? I made a big dent in them yesterday before I had to work!” No you fucking didn’t! There was not ONE DISH that got cleaned yesterday. You just moved shit around in the sink. You don’t do shit around here and I finally got sick of picking up the slack. So if you come home from work and ask me why I didn’t do them, I might just throw my cellphone at your head, watch out. I loaded and ran the dishwasher today and took out the trash, including YOUR gallon of milk that’s been funkifying in the back of the fridge for a MONTH! That’s more than you’ve done in 2 weeks! I wish I never moved out with you. And quit trying to one up me all the time when I am bitching when I am stressed - it’s not a fucking competition, I am just trying to vent. If you don’t wanna hear it, tell me. Sorry you have to work more than me. It’s not my fault. Sorry your classes suck, mine suck too. Pretty much, just shut up. I hole up in my bedroom for a reason.

-Me

To my car:

Quit acting your age and burning oil. I love you. And I can’t figure out how to open the hood and help you. So knock it off and stay alive for a few more years, please.

-Me

34

Dear Clear Channel / 106.1 WRDU:

You were the only classic rock station in this part of North Carolina for well over twenty years…and now you’ve inexplicably switched to a shitty country music format. What the fuck is that about? And you claim to have moved your classic rock over to 100.7, yet it plays only 20% classic rock…the rest is lame-ass pop shit from the '70s.

Screw you guys, I’m switching to satellite radio.

  • JP
    Dear Sunny 93.9:

I generally don’t listen to your station, as it’s an easy listening/soft disco/lame-ass format. I couldn’t help noticing today while browsing through the local stations that you’ve started playing Chirstmas music 24/7.

You suck.

  • JP
    Dear NC State Career Center:

Concerning your “on campus interviews” – explain to me how in the unholy fuck you expect 24 interview slots per company to satisfy the entire senior mechanical engineering class?

Also, consider that not all students with low GPAs have spend their college careers partying. It’s very insulting to be put down by a “career counselor” for having a low GPA when it was, in fact, due to a combination of changing majors and missing too much classwork the semester after my father died.

  • JP
    Dear Cousin in VA:

If I send you some money, will you go buy a cheap dildo and fuck yourself?

  • JP
    Dear Cousin in VA’s Husband:

Your computer problems are not Dell’s fault. If you would install a virus/spyware scanner and use a firewall, you wouldn’t be having any problems. What the hell are you doing on that computer, anyway? And there’s absolutely no reason to install all of your programs to the “Startup” folder in the Windows “Start” menu.

  • JP
    Dear Other Cousin’s Sister:

Your car is making that noise because you’re an idiot who doesn’t understand preventive maintenance. Quit asking me to fix it.

  • JP
35

Check the copier/printer–ours has a nifty setting where you can increase the priority of a print job so it pauses the lengthy, colour, double-sided, 50 count realtor’s brochure and prints off my one-page letter, then resumes the long job…

Roses and chocolate the realtor’s assistant who showed me how to increase my job’s priority and pause hers!

36

Dear roommate:

You did not just ask me ‘Did you do the dishes?’ NO BITCH I DID NOT I AM STUDYING FOR MY VERY IMPORTANT TEST I HAVE TOMORROW AFTER WORK. And you’re still a fucking liar because you said again that you tried to do some yesterday. Liar liar motherfucking pants on fire! Argh!!! You are lucky you asked me through the door so I couldn’t chuck my phone. I wish you could land a boyfriend with a nice apartment so you’d be gone more often!

Kindly fuck off,
Me

37

Dear sullen peers:

Would you look up once in a while from your oh so emo, self-indulgent lack of awareness with the world so you can see where the fuck it is you are going? I’m tired of you little twerps running into me because you’re like, so depressed, man.

Signed,
Meanie-Weanie Transfer Student

Dear LaRouche Douches:
LaRouche is a douchebag. But, you’re like what, 18? You’ve got a little while to let your politics mature, so I’ll give you a pass. But LaRouche is still a douchebag.

Signed,
BruinWalk Scoffer

Dear Whoever-it-is That Schedules Classes for my Department:

If you’re only going to offer 6 classes a quarter, can we make it so that half of them aren’t concurrent with the other half, so I can, I dunno, graduate on time? KTHXBYE.

Signed,
Disgruntled Classics Student

38

Dear Brother-in-Law;

You stupid, selfish asshole. As we [Mr. Geek and myself] were informed tonight, you are leaving your wonderful, smart, beautiful wife who has put up with your lazyness, your tin-foil-hattery, and other assorted “fantastic” traits of yours for a 45 year old grocery mart deli “girl” with two kids*. What the fuck is wrong with you, you fuck tard!!

Your wife, is the best thing that ever happened to you. You spring this shit on everybody with your little grocery mart fling. If it were some hot 22 year old stripper that made 200K a year, we might be able to see that, but come on for crying out loud. Thanks for wrecking your wifes life, no actually she’ll be better off without your sorry ass. Having to coddle you and hold your hand for everything. You told her you we leaving her for “you true love” [yeah right] :rolleyes: and beacuse “you need to take care” of this woman. You can’t even take care of yourself, you sorry sack of shit. Your wife does everything for you, you can’t even remeber to pay the bills!!!

Thanks for thinking of only yourself, once again. :mad:

I am through with you! Unfortunately you are my husbands brother and I will have to see you on occasion, but I am done with you, and your brother is furious with you, your parents are pissed at you. You Jerk!! You are no longer welcome in our home and I want nothing to do with you anymore.

Fuck You!

your sister-in-law

*B-I-L is 34 btw

sorry… not really a mini rant… but I had to get it out :frowning:

39

Dear boil on the devils ass Roommate,

Yes, I know you are a junior and well over the drinking age, yet still living in the dorms. Whatever, its cool. But! Just because you are older than me does not mean that you don’t have to respect the fact that someone else lives in that room with you. Falling asleep by 7pm? Okay, I guess you had a long day, I’l keep my light off while I do homework. Up at 2am, an hour after I go to sleep? I guess you like to write papers really late at night. Turning on the lamp and your TV sucks though. Next time don’t blatently ignore me when I ask you to turn it off. Up again at 7am, with the overhead light on and the TV on? Not cool. Really not cool. Especially when you do this EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.

Also, on the off chance that you fall back asleep at the same time that I wake up to go to class, you SO don’t have the FUCKING RIGHT to start bitching to me about the hours I keep. I HAVE CLASS AT 10. ITS 9. STFU. THE VACCUM OUTSIDE OUR DOOR IS LOUDER THAN ME.

Remember when you reamed into me that one morning about me locking the bathroom door and locking out the suitemates? Thats all fine and dandy, except that I haven’t locked the door since the first few weeks of class, when my suitemates locked me out of the bathroom three times. YOU have been locking the door. Do NOT bitch at me about shit like that, you have NO RIGHT to do that.

Also, that lotion you use? It stinks in only the way that really cheap lotions can stink. Know how you slather it on in the closet? Well, now all my clothes smell like it. You also ignored me when I told you that I am ALLERGIC to strong scents. Until I wash my clothes again, any that I have in the closet I. CANT. FUCKING. WEAR.

That scent thats permiated the room? You know, the one that you don’t notice when your the one making it, but hits everyone else like a brick wall when they enter the room? Yea, thats your BO. There are convenient inventions known as SOAP, SHAMPOO, and NON DOLLAR STORE WEAVE CARE CRAP that you could start using. Oh, that food you microwave doesnt help any either. Think the permiability of curry without the spicy scent. Yea, that smell is coming from you. Know how I know? Because I don’t even live in that room any more.

So now I am stuck sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of my boyfriend’s dorm room until I get all the beaurocratic bullshit over with, so I can transfer to a different dorm room in time for the last month of school and finals.

To finish off, a hearty FUCK YOU to the housing office for making up some bullshit about ‘national merit students’ on the floor I used to live on and making me move to the less populated floor, FUCK YOU to the area coordinator for making me go through all the beaurocracy Im now sludging through, FUCK YOU to my inept RA who is never in her room and who none of the other RA’s respect, and a super duper fucking hearty FUCK YOU to my disrespectful, inconsiderate, odoriferous, waste of fucking air roommate.

Signed

Your sleep deprived ‘roommate’ who is more than just slightly tempted to smash your sneering, putrid, inconsiderate and ugly face through your beloved BET-only TV set.

(sorry for the length, sleep deprived and more than a little pissed right now)

40

Dear Mother,

After everything you’ve accused me of, your latest is just more icing on the cake. If you really think I need an exorcism, good luck finding the balls big enough to do it. And although I won’t wish death on Shitler, I will send extreme wishes of a year’s life riding the mental illness rollercoaster, sans any kind of treatment that’ll work. She’d understand real quick what resistant means.

Hugs and kisses!

~your daughter, faith

Dear Sister-in-Law,

Since my brother has a finite period of time left, could you get off your fat, stupid ass and start taking care of business? Most importantly, your kids and whatever else deemed necessary to stay afloat for them. It’s not necessary for you to be the one coddled every step of the damn way. Get some fucking therapy to help yourself and by extension, him. Quit using what resources that y’all have at your disposal. No death to her either, but I certainly wouldn’t mind slapping her upside the head with a baseball bat.

Thinking of you!

~your SIL, faith

Dear Employers,

There are tons of folks out here who would do you a legitimately great job while working from home. I know that in my own case, when my agoraphobia is in overdrive, I’d be overjoyed at just the opportunity, to somehow contribute to the greater good and not feel like a complete failure. Furthermore, I’d be willing to do it for a mere pittance, if somebody that’s on the level would simply give me a fucking chance. So, skipping death again, I won’t bemoan your demise if you have a gigantic turnover and employees that still you blind. If and when that’s the case though… call me!

Waiting to hear from you!

~your best (soon-to-be) asset, faith

Dear Zen,

Please grasp this housebreaking concept and soon, because you really are a perfect angel. 'Nuff said? All right then, maybe I could turn this around and say how adorable you are, and loving, and smart too and did I mention cute? I’ll stop now, but only outwardly. mumbleSMOOCHIESmumble

I lurv you my wittle puppy wuppy man!!

~your mommy, faith