Mixed signals, rejection, and unrequited love: Please don't lead me on

Dear “Joshua,”

I was very dissappointed to find out that you don’t want to date me after being under the impression that you were interested in me for the past 5 months. If you weren’t interested in dating me, then you shouldn’t have kissed me all those times and told me you liked me.

When I first met you back in October, I thought you were one of the nerdiest guys I have ever met. But you were really nice, and we had many mutual friends, so I started hanging out with you and getting to know you better. Everyone in our circle of friends thought you had a huge crush on me, because of the way you would act around me. When I was around, you would pay attention only to me. Eventually, I started inviting you to go out every Wednesday to go to the open mike night at the bar near your house. You hardly ever missed a night in several months. We went out many other times with our friends. I could tell you had a crush on me, and why wouldn’t you? I know it sounds egotistical, but I am a very pretty girl. Nevertheless, I was flattered, but not interested. I just wasn’t attracted to you.

Well that changed over time after I got to know you better. All of a sudden I was becoming attracted to you because you were so nice to me, and we got along so well. We had a lot of common interests and had a lot of fun together. Then one night at a party, you kissed me. It was a hot and heavy kiss. Yes we were both drunk, but I enjoyed that kiss. It made me think more about you. Then another night, we went out to see a band play. You kissed me again. I gave you a peck, and you kept asking me to kiss you again and again. I asked you why? Are you really interested in me? And you said yes. And we kissed.

But I knew you are shy, and don’t have a lot of experience with women. And I thought you might be having a hard time “officially” asking me out. So one night, I told you that I was interested in you; that I would like to go out on a date with you, I would like to get to know you even better.

Boy was I shot down. You said you didn’t think it was a good idea for us to date. You said it would ruin our friendship. You said you know you would screw it up with me, and we would end up not being friends anymore. You said that whenever you sleep with someone, you freak out and never talk to them again. You said you are interested in me, but that you just want to be friends.

Well, “Joshua,” I wish you would take a chance on me. I’m willing to take a chance on you. All I am asking is for us to go out together. I am not going to hurt you. I care about you a lot. You haven’t dated anyone in 5 years; you’re 32. Don’t you think it’s about time to let someone into you life who cares about you? What are you afraid of?

Why did you kiss me if you don’t want to date me? Why did you act so interested in me if you aren’t interested in dating me? Why did you kiss me again last Saturday night? Why did you dance with me so close at the concert? Why did you keep reaching between the seats and grabbing and holding my hand? Why did you act so jealous when I was talking to another guy?

I’m so confused. I really do like you, but it hurts that you won’t give me a chance. I feel like you’re leading me on. Yes, we’re still friends. You made it very clear that you still want to be friends with me. We see each other a lot because we have the same friends. But it’s hard to keep seeing you, because I still have feelings for you and I feel like you rejected me. I saw past my first impression of you, saw past the superficial things, and developed feelings for you. I wish you would recognize that you’re losing out on a good thing with me. I wish you would give me a chance.


Errrr. I feel for you, I really do. But one Pit thread about your past relationship will do, especially since the other one is just a few hours old.

All right, it was pointed out to me that this thread is, in fact, about another guy than the other thread.

So, carry on, then.

Thanks, Coldfire!

So guys, do you think I have any chance with “Joshua”? After all the good advice given in the other thread, I am ready to put birdguy out of my life forever. So, what do you think?

Um, no, actually I don’t think you do.

I think you need to avoid a relationship right now, and get your shit together first.


If he says, “No,” you should accept it. No means no.

Well, I’m afraid I have to echo what several other people have said in the other thread. Take some time for yourself. Let this guy go.

Frankly, after dealing with a turd like the ex-birdguy, I can’t see how getting involved with someone who “hasn’t dated anyone in five years” would be psychologically healthy for you. “Joshua” is acting like some guys I knew in high school - annoying enough in high school, but pretty pathetic in a 30+ year old.

Back off. Take it easy. Enjoy going out with your friends. If anything is meant to happen with Joshua, he’ll grow a pair (and not an alcohol induced pair, either!) You’ve told him how you feel, so the ball is in his court…and he seems to have dropped it. Don’t keep pushing the issue - from your other thread, IMHO you shouldn’t rush into another relationship anytime soon, anyhow.

If he were 20, I’d be a little sympathetic, but 32? Nah, you don’t want to get involved with him. Not until he’s got his brain together.

Thanks, everyone, very good advice.

As a footnote, I don’t want anyone to think I “don’t have my shit together.” I’m doing pretty well, actually. This stuff isn’t consuming my whole life, and I apologize if it came across that way. It was just minorly irritating me, so I thought I’d let off some steam and write a BBQ Pit rant. Most of the time, I can force myself to be rational and logical, and sometimes I have to let the quick bursts of emotion out, and get back to normal.

Ahhh I feel better already.

As someone pointed out in the other thread, you sounded nearly suicidal after ex-birdguy dumped you. That’s not a very healthy state to be in, and I think you need to work on that before looking for a relationship.

It sounds like he still lives at home with his parents. He may be 32 on the outside, but he is still in high school on the inside. Ignore the idiot.

You’ve done blown it with Joshua by telling him you’re interested.

He is not shy. He’s just not that interested.

Even “shy” guys get un-shy PDQ when they are interested enough in a woman.

And I’m with everyone else that thinks that he sounds immature.

You deserve better, hon.