My Dad got me over that hump by passing suddenly (as far as we knew at the time – long story) so for both In-laws and still with my mother I had some prep time. Its from that experience that I say bug out and visit ASAP. Worse comes to worse grade the graduating seniors, visit, return and finish the rest. Or do whatever you institution allows/suggests. If you miss a visit and it turns out it could have been the last and a good/happy one ------------- you will always regret it.
This.
But unless it’s super problematic for you to go, GO. Regret is a painful thing.
Less than a year ago this was my dad - I flew across the country, too. I’m glad I did. His passing was slightly less hellish than the ‘what if’ would have been for me.
She may be a little peeved if you go after she said you don’t have to, but there’s a greater chance you’ll be more disappointed in the future if you don’t. Simply being w/ her either way means you’ll have more peace of mind than you’re having right now.
There’s only a greater chance she’ll be dissapointed if you’re also saying there’s a goodnchance her mom will die this week. If the doctors say she’s out of the woods then there’s no reason Jennshark can’t go next week after her work crunch. If you are going to fear the "you’ll always regret not going " boogie man then you are going to log an awful lot of flight time with a 70+ yr old parent.
I lived in the same city as my dad. Around the time I kind of knew was near the end, I left to visit my wife who was working in another city for an extended period, having got my sister to visit dad while I was gone. He died that weekend and it kind of sucked that I wasn’t there but I am not regretting it for the rest of my life. He wasn’t alone and we talked a lot berore he went. That’s what is important. If you regret not being there for the end for the rest of your life then you probably left something unsaid - that’s what you’re really regretting . IMHO.
Yes - we added days onto our June family reunion trip, which is what she wanted. There are about 75+ fam members within 10 miles of her, so no lack of support for her. I’ve double-dogged made everyone promise to call immediately if anything happens. She went home yesterday.
We’re the evil contingency of the family, the Mormon side has brought her 800 pounds of funeral potatoes* and jello with fruit cocktail in it.
It’s been quite the week. My grad school Ph.D. adviser died on Monday, a retired colleague passed on Wednesday . . . and I’m writing this from the wake for Mrs. Jennshark’s cousin. I hereby declare a moratorium on death for awhile.
*Bonus points for Dopers who know what this is.
For $98, I’d go just so I could brag about what an awesome deal I scored!
I do, but it’s b/c I live in northern Utah. I also know what fry sauce, futsal and RM mean. I wish I didn’t.
My sister and I just had a discussion about funeral potatoes. She lives in AZ and works with a lot of Mormons.
I’m so glad your mom’s making a speedy recovery.
StG
Yes, but do you know what BVGL stands for?
Jennshark, glad your mom is doing well, and the expanded reunion sounds like a good time to go. (If that weren’t on the calendar, different matter.)
Go!
This is the wisest post in the thread, IMHO. As an expat whose parents aged and died while I was living abroad, I had to deal with questions similar to the OP’s on several occasions, as have many of my expat friends with aging parents. The reality is, if someone begins to falter, experiencing health crises that they recover from only to go downhill again later, there are only so many times that you can drop everything and rush to their bedside. A lot of the time, it is unclear whether someone’s dying, will make a full recovery, or something in between.
I am through it all now, but I would say that my friends and I more or less followed this set of guidelines for the unfortunate reality of living far from aging parents:
-
Visit/talk as regularly as possible, so that if they die unexpectedly, or they are very ill but you simply cannot get away, you don’t have to contend with “but I haven’t seen my parents in two years!”
-
The first time there is a crisis and there is a way to go, do it. Then your loved one knows that you are willing to make the sacrifice.
-
After that…well, horrible as it sounds, a day does come when you have to start being practical and weigh things as Manda JO’s post lays out so well. If you have a parent with repeated crises, you aren’t going to be able to be there for all of them. At some point you have to use judgment, hope for the best, and make sure you are prepared to live with yourself if you do miss being there just before a loved one passes away.
If the above, especially #3, seems horrifyingly cold, then the only alternative is to move closer to your parents. I’ve had friends who did that, because they knew it simply wouldn’t be possible to be around as much as they wanted otherwise. Personally I would never have made such a choice - I didn’t have a particularly good relationship with my parents and was not prepared to sacrifice the well-being of my nuclear family in order to live close to them - but I do understand why people do it.
Not unless it’s a business viability guarantee letter, no.
id say go … when my mom was getting a artificial heart valve (the valve was artificial) replaced I was taking care of the house and my youngest brother ect and never had a moment to go and she was supposed ot be home in a day or two (since it was a weekend she thought it might be Tuesday)
on Friday She got bored and was interrupting me every 5 minutes by phone when I was trying to do things and we got in an argument about it …well she never called me back … about 3 am sunday I got a call from the hospital that she was gone and they had no idea why …(they were supposed to call my uncle first …but had the wrong number)
What made it even worse was she liked to pull pranks and call people saying she was gone … and had me do so …just a few days before …
A long-time Salt Lake resident told me it’s “barely visible garment line,” which is the bottom hem that can be seen across the top of the thigh under slacks or a pencil skirt when you’re seated (sort of a Mormon panty line). She said it indicates to the sharp-eyed observer that you’re wearing the garments. No disrespect intended toward LDS members, but I’m not making this up. [/inappropriate but informative digression]
Jennshark, let us know how Mom is doing. She’s fortunate to have so many family members near by.
I’ll be going now.
I 100% agree with all of this. My sister and I are in a somewhat similar situation. My mom had a liver transplant a couple of years ago, then got an infection from the donor. It was a very common infection, but she let it go because she “just didn’t want to impose,” which mindset led to a nearly 2-week hospital stay and a subsequent UTI, which led to a broken shoulder and days of hallucinations and another 2-week hospital stay. I was fortunate enough to have been able to be there since I’m three hours’ drive away and my work doesn’t care where I work as long as I’m available, but holy shit, my sister’s PTO hours were blown, she spent thousands of dollars on airfare and both of our marriages and home lives suffered drastically last year. She was at the brink of divorce and my husband and I wound up in counseling because he already has challenges dealing with the kids alone and the absence of any help made things a hundred times worse.
My career also suffered since I had to pass up the opportunity of a promotion because I had no idea if she’d actually take care of herself long enough to get better. I remember at one point my sister and I broke down, sobbing on the phone, because we both felt so trapped. We were there for her and I’m glad we were, but if something more minor had happened, at some point, we would’ve had to protect our families, our marriages and our careers. It’s up to you to decide what your breaking point is and to hopefully not let yourself get there. I guess it can be construed as a little selfish, but I think of it as self preservation. If she has good, reliable care, particularly from a family member and you really feel like you can’t get away, don’t - just make sure you’re there when it really counts.
You know what else is scary? How delicious funeral potatoes and other casseroles are. I’m from southern Indiana, considered “the South” by most people and “the North” by southerners, and when someone dies, you get this bizarre conglomeration of a deli sandwich bar with lunch meat and sweet rolls and a spread of casseroles that covers a whole table. I wish to god that I didn’t associate casseroles with death, because some of them are so damn good I wish I could eat them every day.
That makes sense! But the garment check I’m most used to seeing and hearing about is the hand on one’s lower shoulder in the now-standard side hug one gets in Utah.
Fry sauce, nectar of the gods!
She’s delighted - it adds about$1500 in expenses for us, but worth it.