Mom's club application-This is nuts.

The BBQ Pit
1

I received this today after inquiring about a locals mom’s group for 35+ mothers. My answers are the ones written in standard capitalization form.
I am completely dumbfounded at this.

Membership Application:
PLEASE COMPLETE FORM AND COPY AND PASTE INTO EMAIL REPLY AND ATTACH A PHOTO OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY (Is this grounds for elimination? Do we have to pass a pretty test? Do I get a picture of everyone else in the group so I can decide if you are pretty enough for us?)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST IN OUR GROUP.
NAME n/a
AGE 38
ADDRESS n/a
PHONE NUMBER n/a
CHILDREN’S NAMES AND AGES Kate, 7 months
ARE YOU MARRIED? IF SO HOW LONG? Are you kidding me? Am I excluded if I am not married long enough? If the math doesn’t work out? Who cares? I can understand if you are looking specifically for single moms, but you aren’t, so what difference does it make how long I have been married? Yes, the math works out and frankly, that is more than you need to know.
HUSBAND’S NAME Pooterhead
DO YOU DRINK ALCOHOL? Are you a lush? Must I drink to be included? Or am I excluded if I drink? What if I only drink about once a year at my friend Cathy’s house?
DO YOU SMOKE? Why would this matter? It’s a mom’s group, not a lung cancer awareness group. As far as I can figure, most smokers by this time understand some venues are non-smoking, so I can’t imagine what the purpose of this is, other than yet another reason to randomly exclude someone.
PLEASE LIST YOUR FAVORITE 80’S BANDS You have got to be kidding me. This is 2006? Right? I have now been alive twice as long as I was a minor, I was a minor most of the 80’s, I should hope my taste has changed a bit by then. If I was into a different musical style back then (reggae) that doesn’t mesh with your Duran Duran fetish, do I fail?
WILL YOU BE ABLE TO ATTEND AT LEAST ONE DAYTIME EVENT EACH WEEK? Maybe because I am too busy trying to figure out why every mom’s group in town seems hell bent on excluding everyone, including no one and being crazier than a bunch of shit house rats.
IS THERE ANY REASON WHY YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND A MOM’S NIGHT OUT ONCE A MONTH? Other than the fact I would rather be home with my family which includes my 7month old daughter that I never thought I would be able to have and my husband, who I get one day off a week with, would I spend one of my precious nights with him with you instead? Let me think, according to this application, nope.
IS THERE ANY REASON WHY YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND A MOM’S WEEKEND AWAY? See above.
DO YOU IMMUNIZE YOUR CHILDREN? No, my pediatrician does that. Technically, his assistant does so he isn’t the “bad guy.” I checked at the local feed and seed and they didn’t have that autism causing immunization so I had to go to her doctor as a last resort. Keep your infectious, gorilla-cillin, death-by-ear-infection, antibiotic-resistant kid away from me.
ARE YOU ABLE TO WALK THE MALL AT A FAST PACE? I am pathologically unable to walk any mall any more than once a year, usually at Christmas time, as quickly as possible. Is this a hobby? Ever hear of sunshine? parks? Exactly what do you do all day besides troll the mall, get sauced up, throw darts at smokers, and add up how long each of you were married before little Oopsie arrived?
WILL YOU POST DAILY ON THE GROUP WEB PAGE? Gee, I have a 7 month old and I work 2 12 hour shifts a week, can I be excused those two days? Or should I have my husband (math works out) post in my absence? Do we get days off for major holidays? What if I go on vacation? Or my child is sick? What if I get sick? Do I have to supply a doctors note?
PLEASE LIST ANY HOBBIES YOU HAVE: Evidently, enough to keep me from wandering the malls for no apparent reason. I am not a vampire so I do not feel the need to hide out in sunless locations during daylight hours.
DO YOU SELL ANY PRODUCTS (IE MARY KAY, PAMPERED CHEF, ETC.) Eek! Do any of you? If so, please feel free to forget you ever saw my email address
DO YOU BELONG TO ANY OTHER MOM’S GROUP? Evidently, I am the lone member of “Sane Moms of Tampa”
WILL YOU LEAVE THE OTHER GROUP(S) IF APPROVED FOR THIS GROUP? Isn’t this what the philanderers girlfriend always asks? I swear, my main group is frigid and doesn’t give me what I need. No one can love me like you can.
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ANOTHER GROUP TO JOIN? I’m not the one-batshit-crazy-mom-group-at-a-time type. I am the one-is-too-many-moms-groups-to-join type.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BANNED FROM A GROUP? IF SO WHICH ONE AND WHY?
Oh, sweet baby gherkins. Banned? From a Mom’s group? Do they take away your children? Is there some sort of Mom’s group blacklist? What if you blacklisted that mom’s group? Exactly how many members have YOU banned? If so, who? and why? and can I have their names and phone numbers? People you ban sound like just the kind of folks I need to know.

In 7 months, I have yet to find a local mom’s group that doesn’t sound completely nuts. I feel bad, I’d like my daughter to have babies to play with, but I really don’t see how I can change myself enough to receive an application like this and not be completely flummoxed.

Are these people for real? Are you one of them? None of these questions seem to be finding out what kind of person I really am. It would seem compatibility would be paramount and yet, nothing besides 80’s music and walking the mall even counts as an interest, and those are pretty narrow interests and I could pretty much fill myself of both of those things in less than 5 minutes. How about questions like this:
What do you like to read?
Are you a first time mom?
What kinds of things do you like to do with your child? What kinds of things would you LIKE to do with your child?
How tolerant are you of people different from you?
If you ever get a night away from your children, what would you love to spend it doing? (besides sleeping?)

I just can’t respond to this application with any seriousness whatsoever, I am tempted to write back with a simple “Haha, very funny! Good one! What a great way to freak out a first time mom! Would you now send me the real application?”

2

That does seem weird. I belong to the Durham Mother’s Club and the “application” was just an info sheet (name, address, kids, yadda, yadda), there was no implication that you might not make the cut.

Some of the questions I can kinda sorta see, like the ones about could you attend weekday, evening, weekend away events. People can say “Oh we should have a Mom’s night out…” and somebody plans it and is the only person to show up. Repeat for weekend away,etc.

The questions seem to imply a history of “problems” that somebody, at least the author of the form, seemed to think could be solved if they could only screen properly.

You can always start your own club! (which may explain the “dueling moms clubs” questions at the end…)

3

Please fill out the application exactly like you did in the OP, and send it in. I gotta hear what they say in response. :smiley:
Great OP I give it a 10.

4

Horrors. I’d rather take my baby to play with hungry pitbulls than go to a group like that. :smiley:

5

Okay, that one floored me.

6

Moving thread from IMHO to The BBQ Pit.

7

Very well done. I enjoyed that! Thanks!

8

For fuck sake, why?

9

Because he flipped a coin, OK? Had I seen this first, I would have moved it either here or to MPSIMS, and a coin would have been involved. Can’t we do anything around here without someone climbing up our ass about it? Sheesh. Now may we please let the moms get on with their comments?

Auntbeast, tell them your favorite 80s band is the Attractions. If they get it, go ahead and join.

10

Mods;
Appreciate Y’all, but think the move of this thread to the Pit is extreme It won’t be seen by the contingent of folks that might enjoy it in it’s best context. IMHO, in my HO, seems fine for the OP.

11

Heh heh heh. Tell ‘em it’s my fav band - if ol’ Alice doesn’t scare 'em, nothing will!

I used to belong to a mom’s group at my church. I’d still be there, except the kids outgrew it. Screening? HA! I heard about the group in a food bank lineup. I walked into the place the first time wearing a black leather biker jacket, complete with studs and a dragon, leather hat and boots. Then I turned loose the progeny, plonked into a chair, crossed my legs and glared at everyone. About ten minutes later one of the pastor’s wives piped up “Hey, aren’t you zoogirl? I went to school with you!” Oh, crap.

Now she’s one of my best church buddies. I stopped glaring, ditched the hat and boots and ended up joining. Still got a biker jacket though!

12

The only “moms’ group” I ever belonged to formed when one woman, who was a military spouse and accustomed to moving a lot, went around and asked various people she’d met if we’d like to form a playgroup for our kids. There was no application, and we found out all the basic information by hanging out with each other and becoming friends. You know, like normal people.

Maybe you should found the “Sane Moms of Tampa” group.

13

I guess I’m the only one that thinks that the OP is crazy. Hmm.

You heard it here first.

14

I agree. I’m dying to know what happens when they get a snarky application.

15

Not really. Most of those questions don’t seem exclusionary. More along the lines of cutesy “getting to know you” fare. There is the matter of these two questions though.

Answered perfectly in my opinion. Of course I’m all about nutty answers on questionaires. Great thread. :smiley:

16

Oh, I think “Is there any reason you won’t be able to do task X on Y timeframe” is a little over the top. I project manage at work and that is the sort of committment I look to for people I PAY. I don’t screen my friends with “will you be able to get together with me once a week? And go out of town with me yearly?”

These guys seems to want AT LEAST on post a day on their site, one weekly daytime event, one night a month, and one weekend a year. Only the National Guard asks for more.

17

Auntbeast, you are at a very vunerable time in your new status as a mommy. Exhausted and your brain never rests.Your tits and waistline are not what they use to be. Your parental units are probably saying you are being too strict & rigid or not strict enough. It is enough to make a gal go postal.

You just want to find someone out there like you with kids that you can commiserate with. You don’t want to go through high school again with all its pettiness and you can’t believe stuff like that is still out there.

It is.

Because on the whole, the majority of women never evolve past the stupidity that is pack mentality and rarely evolve into anything that has moved beyond that mindset. Ever. ( My mom is hitting 80 this year and she just shakes her head at the old ladies in her art group doing similar stupid stuff. She just ignores them and does her own thing.)

It doesn’t help that TV and media reinforce this asshattery.

I didn’t run with that crowd during my formative years, I don’t now. Auntbeast you are too much of a freethinker to allow yourself to be sucked into the tractor beam of utter nonsense.
It wasn’t until preschool that I actually met like minded mommies and I hold a very special place in my heart for the Co-op my kids attended because I have met and made some very awesome casual friends there. (We are all spread out too far for a daily visit and too busy with this thing called life. )

Also, our library is not only THE BEST ( books, programs, staff, coffee) it is where I end up seeing all my like minded aquaintances on a semi-regular basis.

Playgrounds can be a great place to have a casual ‘relationship’ with other moms, too.

Worse case scenario is you join the lowest ranks of middle class, ditch the baby and join a bowling league. ( Like me! We finished 9th out of 9 teams this year! Woooo!) Or the Ultimate Sign of Hell: Scrapbooking.

Find a hobby that you can do with others, or better yet, if you have no soul, start some kind of home based business and just start having parties to sell the wares. Sheep Like Women dig shit like this tenfold. Guilt based industries only differ from church in the fact that they are not tax free. But with church, you don’t get to pick your reward, do you? :smiley:

18

HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A LIAR!!! YOU DON"T DESERVE TO BE IN A POSITION OF POWER! I demand your resignation immediately. I further demand that you prostrate yourself in a public and proclaim your unworthiness. Also you must send a snail mail letter to anyone who has ever heard of the SDMB and apologize for the snarkiness in the above post. I’ll think of more reasonable demands later.

19

What do “Mom’s groups” do exactly?

20

I think you’re taking it the wrong way. Why assume it’s a test? With a few exceptions (like have you been banned from anywhere. And it might make sense for them to ask if you’re the type to punch other mother’s out or get drunk and throw up in the punch bowl) it seems to be “we need to know about our members”. Like, should we have a seperate section for smokers our meetings? Should we serve alchohol in the aforementioned punch bowl? Should we have seminars on single motherhood or are most members married? Should we have a lot of meetings? Weekends out?

As for the eighties, like you said, you, and probably a lot of members were minors were teenagers in the eighties, and most people develop a particular connection to the music of their teenhood, so they want to know what, in particualar, what
they should play.

Relax.