mom's indiscretions

I’m new here, but have seen people post a variety of topics, so I thought I’d post this here, where I can enjoy relative anonymity.

When I was growing up, my father allegedly had a number of extramarital affairs. My mother was always somewhat bitter about this and did not hide her suspicions, nor her reaction to them. They divorced many years ago, but she’ll still bring it up from time to time.

However, about 4 years ago, she began having an affair with a married man. She completely justifies this. The man she is involved with was actually her first high school boyfriend (many moons ago). They ran into each other at their 40th high school reunion, corresponded in a friendly manner for a while, and then began having a sexual relationship. She feels that he is her ‘lost love’, that she deserves happiness (even at another woman’s expense) and that what the man’s wife does not know won’t hurt her.

OK. Maybe, but all of that is a stretch to me. Still, I had begun to feel even somewhat sorry for her because, if she truly does love this man, then she is only getting part of what she wants (her own fault, I know, but still…)

I was pleased to find out that she had recently begun perusing personal ads for men her own age, and has been out a few times with a man whose company she seems to enjoy.

The catch? This other guy is married as well.

What the hell? Do you think she is just ‘returning to the scene of the crime’ (i.e., my father’s affairs, the ones which allegedly wounded her so) in an attempt to have some sort of control over the outcome? I don’t get it at all, nor do I know if I even have any respect for her left.

;j <—I just really wanted to use that icon.

Thanks,
Lorene

Armchair psychologist WAG - your mom simply has, and has always had, a penchant for picking out men likely to stray.

Speculative WAG - one of her parents strayed a lot.

I would suggest your mom is very bitter over what your dad did to her, and is trying to get some sort of revenge. Since your dad is out of reach, she’s trying to be the other woman.

What she’s doing is destructive, not only to other families but to herself. She needs help. I understand you losing respect for her. How can you respect someone who doesn’t respect themself?

Have you talked with her about your concerns? The other person who’s advice she might once have valued is gone. You might be the only one left. For her sake and for the sake of the other women, please ask her to explain herself. She obviously needs your support and advice now.

Oh, and as far as deserving happiness…how is she going to find happiness marrying someone who cheated on his wife?

I have talked with her. I have tried to offer support and advice, but she sees nothing wrong with what she is doing. She asks, “How dare you judge me?” Ummmm, because you’re doing something morally reprehensible? I didn’t say that, of course.

She doesn’t intend to marry either of these men. She says she is just having a good time, enjoying their company, but also “reaping the benefits of living alone.”

Thanks for your input.

A very good friend of mine divorced 3 years ago, because his wife was having an affair. In the morning, he was showering, and asked her where the conditioner was. She had packed it already to go move in with this guy, and told him so. Obviously, he was pretty shaken up.

A year or so after the divorce, he was having an affair with a married woman (married to my his brother’s best friend), and ended up being not entire reason but the catalyst for the breakup with her husband. She was very nice, but polar opposite from him in most respects. I could never get a good answer from him as to why that was Okay.

I always sort of attributed it to ‘revenge’ on the idea of marriage.

Well, I’m sorry lorene. It sure sounds like a method of getting back at a person that caused them hurt, although it doesn’t do them or anyone else a bit of good.

I’m glad you recognize how wrong it is. All the more reason to make your choice in a spouse the most informed, thoughtful decision in your life.

I think your mother is horrible. She’s destroying some random lady’s life because she got hurt.

Hold on to your principles…it doesn’t look like you’re getting them from your mom.

I don’t know how far you want to go with this…perhaps threaten to tell the wives if your mom doesn’t get some help? I think the wives deserve to know their husbands are cheating on them.