Amen.
While it sounds good to simply talk things out with the spouse or SO if you’re considering going open, it’s a terrible idea in most cases. Take mine for example. I was dating a guy who broke up with me and then started dating somebody else. We became friends again shortly after and he told me his relationship with that girl was open. He wanted me back and for some retarded reason (no offense to the mentally challenged), I took him back.
But he was still with this other girl. So I was part of an open relationship. She was annoying, so he dumped her and was only with me. I thought maybe it would stay that way, but he convinced me that he just HAD to be with multiple people and wanted to start seeing other girls. As I mentioned, I was lacking some common sense and brain cells at the time and I was hopelessly in love with him. I figured that if this was the only way to hold onto him that it was what I had to do.
The resulting relationship was full of not being able to fall asleep cause he wouldn’t come home (we lived together) sometimes, constantly wondering what kind of girls he was coming into contact with (condoms don’t protect you from everything), and feeling like shit. He swore up and down that he loved me most and none of the others could hold a candle to me. But I still felt like I wasn’t enough. My self-esteem shrunk to zero and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m not saying that it will never work. There’s always a chance that she will be fine with it. But most likely, even if she says it’s okay she’s just covering up her true feelings and you’re hurting her worse than you can imagine.
gobear said:
Absolutely! The best sex I ever had with a short term partner was worse than “mundane,” tender affection with my husband. But, I’m not the thrillseeker I once was.
Macro Man, did you have a short dating history before meeting your wife? I’m not advocating youthful promiscuity, but I intentionally “sowed my wild oats” before getting married, simply because I was afraid of feeling as you do, somewhere down the line. I’m still glad I did.
Maybe the mystery of a new partner is what intrigues you. Maybe it’s an overdeveloped appreciation of beauty. 
What do you think the draw is?
Personally, I think monogamy, including serial monogamy, seems to be the preferred method of coupling across most cultures because it works. Not perfectly, sice humans are imperfect and fickle, but socially it makes for an orderly life. I can’t imagine the stress of having two partners to contend with, personally. I don’t think the corresponding joys would double. Jealousy would factor in for most people, Heinlein’s fantasies notwithstanding. While I admit to occasionally wishing I could have a wife, too–I’m bisexual, among other considerations–I think it would be unpractical.
My one piece of advice is NOT to discuss this with your wife. I’m all for being open and honest in one’s relationship, but confidences of this nature can do nothing but hurt her feelings. Of course, if you are to the point where cheating seems inevitable, better to divorce first.
CrazyCatLady
I agree with your sentiments, but I don’t see the OP as truly being resentful. I think it’s common to occasionally chafe at the binds of committment, no matter how pleasant. Although he did mention “daily urges” which could indicate a serious problem. Hmm.
If she would be fine with it, he wouldn’t be whining about it on a message board. He knows the answer is no and he’s pissed that he can’t have his pick anymore. Oh well!
I disagree. I think the reason has more to do with religon and the morals that were taught and imposed on people, and still are actually. The societal implications of those beliefs still exist today. In my mind it’s the same reason you can’t buy alchohol on Sunday’s in many places.
This is not to say that I don’t want a monogamous relationship, even being an atheist I see the benefits.
On re-reading my post, I don’t think I’m right. I mean, I think that is probably part of it, but I’m sure there must be other reasons…
I knew a married couple like this, and it was the saddest thing I could imagine. He was someone I worked with, and talked constantly about his “polyamorous” lifestyle, about how he could go to a party and do whoever he wanted and still come home to his wife and she was fine with it. Then I met his wife. She was so obviously miserable and desperately hanging on to the shreds of her dignity and her relationship with him. Despite his assurances that the relationship was equally open for both of them, she never partook of it herself and didn’t want to.
I’ve since learned enough about poly relationships to know that this wasn’t one… or at least, it was an example of an extremely unhealthy one, and my former (he’s been fired since) co-worker is a fuckwad in the extreme. He’s too busy getting his wick dipped to notice that his wife is absolutely miserable.
Of course, she was aprtially to blame as well… she wasn’t honest with him about how she felt, and she should have been. Would’ve been quite the eye-opener for him, I’m sure, but she needed to be straight with him.
The key to the happiness of any relationship – monogamous or polyamorous – is honesty. If one or both partners are hiding their true feelings about their relationship or about each other, then the relationship is pretty much doomed.
Macro Man, chances are that if you’re unhappy with your current relationship (and frankly, it sounds like you are), then she is too. You need to talk this through, to whatever end you both can reach.
haha. I always think that too when people act so freaked out about having sex with different partners. I’m not talking about whoring around, but I think many of us have had our liasons without catching anything.
I’m not married, so I can still have liasons.
Monogamy can be stupid when it’s with the wrong person; I can’t imagine what your wife was thinking when she made that agreement with you. Thankfully, it appears she can now feel free to look about for someone rather more agreeable with whom to enjoy the times you’re not around.
Heck, there are lots more choices than have been mentioned. A person could get into internet porn, or maybe elaborate sex toys. Depo Provera shots are practically guaranteed to kill a sex drive–problem solved.
CrazyCatLady, I understand the sentiment behind your post, but I can’t reconcile that with the fact that a few men have posted to the effect that, yeah, it sucks, but the benefits of monogamy outweigh the consequences. No one here has said this, but anecdotally speaking, the main reason I’ve heard for men to maintain monogamy is that they wouldn’t want to hurt their SO. There are probably other reasons for initial monogamy. Not being male I can’t know for sure, but it would seem at least momentary regret is par for the course with monogmous men.
I have never, anywhere, said I was unhappy with my wife. Period. In fact, quite the opposite. I have asserted that I have been faithful for 11 years, and intend to continue to be faithful until I die because I love my wife and family too much to give into carnal urges. Nor would I ever pursue an “open relationship”, and all the baggage that would probably bring.
This short rant was merely a lament about the fact that the forces of human nature pull people in directions that are not appropriate in society today. Now, if you assert that these are indeed not normal human urges, then we have an honest disagreement about human nature.
Belrix, the trick with putting “open marriages” and the like in the same category as “cheat and accept the consequences” is, of course, that in an open marriage or polyamorous relationship system, having additional partners isn’t against the rules of the game, so calling it “cheating” is pretty stupid.
gobear, I get the impression that you’ve got a dichotomy set up between “monogamy” and “promiscuity”; this isn’t necessarily the case. Most of the serially monogamous folks I know have had more sexual partners in their lifetimes than I have.
Elemenopy, humans have a lot of variation. Personally, I have a very hard time dealing with having the stress of only having one partner in my life; I’m at my best with two. (And since I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful mate, that works out quite nicely.) It’s also worth noting that plenty of people have successfully talked about opening their relationships and done so. Plenty of people haven’t, it’s true, but I think that concealing serious discontentment in a relationship is a good way to sink it rather than preserve it.
Avalonian, I really really wish I could smack people like that guy sometimes. That’s a terrible way to be loving to one person, and it doesn’t sound like he’s doing a good job at being loving to anyone else. I think you’re spot on about the communication.
There, I think that’s everything I felt a need to say.
If your sex drive is so out of control, couldn’t you, I dunno, have sex with your wife?
Personally, I wouldn’t ever, ever, EVER date anyone who wanted a polyamorous relationship, let alone marry one. Call me insecure, call me jealous, call me possessive, but I’d start destroying things if my SO was sleeping with someone else. It would indicate to me that he wasn’t interested in me, whether he wanted to sleep with me or not.
Temptation I can understand. But there’s a lot of things I’m tempted to do that I’d never do. I would be a faithful wife, and I would accept nothing less than a faithful husband. Ditto for dating – if the other person was going for someone else, and I found out about it, the relationship would be over. That’s it, over. Never to begin again. No first chance, no free throw, nothing. Pack your bags, bub.
we’re busy writing our vows now, and just may borrow this one, please.
(17 years monogomous and counting, thanks )
So, are you saying that you’re stupid for living a monogmous lifestyle? Or do you feel like you’re doing the right thing, for you and for your family?
Well, then you’re limiting your choices considerably. You can cry “monogamy is stupid!” to the high heavens, but you’re pretty much choosing to tie yourself to it in the end.
I love being a part of a community that happily redefines relationships based on mutual consent, personal insight, and an understanding of human nature. Celibacy works for you? Great! Life-long monogamy works for you? Great! Open relationship works for you? Great! Staying single works for you? Great? Being a mondo slut works for you? Great! Something else I haven’t mentioned works for you? Great! Tell me all about it…
If you readily made your bed, knowing what to expect, and that works for you, great! It’s ok to have second thoughts, a little regret, even a little bit of envy. If it becomes a problem, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate that commitment.
Just my opinion.
Esprix
You go, 'Sprix.
The boy and I have chosen to have an open relationship, not because we expect to be banging others with great regularity, but because if it happens, it happens, and there’s no point (in our minds) in agonizing over it.
I fully expect to end up settling down into a de facto monogamy, if you want, where I only sleep with him, but because that’s what we feel like, not because we’ve bound each other to it.
Also we both derive great relish from hearing the other recount his adventures.
No he didn’t. Read his statement this way: “Monogamy sucks, but it’s a really good way to avoid STD’s.”
I’m a male with a good sex-drive for a soon-to-be 40 yr old.
And I’m monogamous. And I’m perfectly fine with it. Love it. Wouldn’t want it any other way.
Am I weird?