This is a very effective tactic. My friend uses it with her ADHD son. He has to concentrate on her voice when she is quiet so he is able to focus on what she is saying.
Yes, slow and quiet is huge. I have found that it works very well.
Another thing along the lines of “This isn’t about that” is the all-purpose statements: nevertheless, be that as it may, that may be true, regardless. They’re all calm phrases that can keep things on track, so you can rotate through them.
You: You need to do the dishes before you go out tonight.
Her: You’re a tyrant and a bully!
You: Be that as it may, you need to do the dishes before you go out tonight.
That’s what all morality is based on. “That’s not fair” just means “I don’t like it,” whether it’s said by a teenager or Barack Obama or Bill Moyers or Peter Singer or the ethics writer for the New York Times Magazine.
Dont have kids either, but something I’m learning (being on both sides of it) is to avoid interrupting each other.
No matter how crazy her statement, let her complete the sentence/thought, then reply. Do not cut her off, no matter how right you are/wrong she is. If you interrupt, you get thought of as someone who isn’t listening/caring what they have to say. Be patient, talk in a calm, neutral tone, slowly.
I say this as a person learning not to be a hothead, who, when I felt the other person was belittling me/making me feel stupid, would get defensive, raise my voice, talk faster, etc. I’ve learned I get a lot more traction in disagreements if I stay calm, but it took me a while- for example I started keeping my volume quieter but I was still talking in a rapid-fire fashion. I learned to be more patient and let the other person finish their statement and concern, and give myself a moment to process it rather than giving a knee-jerk response.
The best way to counter passive-agression is to confront it head on. People who act passive agressively are banking on the fact that its going to make the other person powerless- the more convinced the other person feels crazy, the easier it is for the abuser. Dont give the person that kind of power-confront it head on and their attempts to guilt you will have no substance to them.
Dont have kids either, but something I’m learning (being on both sides of it) is to avoid interrupting each other.
No matter how crazy her statement, let her complete the sentence/thought, then reply. Do not cut her off, no matter how right you are/wrong she is. If you interrupt, you get thought of as someone who isn’t listening/caring what they have to say. Be patient, talk in a calm, neutral tone, slowly.
I say this as a person learning not to be a hothead, who, when I felt the other person was belittling me/making me feel stupid, would get defensive, raise my voice, talk faster, etc. I’ve learned I get a lot more traction in disagreements if I stay calm, but it took me a while- for example I started keeping my volume quieter but I was still talking in a rapid-fire fashion. I learned to be more patient and let the other person finish their statement and concern, and give myself a moment to process it rather than giving a knee-jerk response.
The best way to counter passive-agression is to confront it head on. People who act passive agressively are banking on the fact that its going to make the other person powerless- the more convinced the other person feels crazy, the easier it is for the abuser. Dont give the person that kind of power-confront it head on and their attempts to guilt you will have no substance to them.
calm, quiet, yes! My eldest son tried that with me for a few months, my response was “You’re absolutely correct, that doesn’t change a thing” He changed tactics to “I’m not going to come visit you anymore” He didn’t for about two months. He now argues instead of fighting or trying to bully me.
When she accuses you of being a bully, try some evil laughter.
Then make her do whatever it is you’re trying to make her do.
As others have said, you don’t need to become a tyrant in response to accusations of being a tyrant. You don’t have to yell or scream or up the stakes.
Just decide beforehand what the rules of your household are. That’s part of being the father. Then tell your daughter what those rules are and stand by them. You didn’t make up the rules because she accused you of being a bully and you’re not going to throw them out because she accused you of being a bully. Don’t over-react to her over-reactions.
And if she changes her ways and starts being all sweet and obedient, don’t let that sway you either. Don’t decide you can let up on the rules now because she’s acting better. That’s just another response to how she’s behaving. You need to be steady regardless of whether she’s up or down.
The slow blade penetrates the shield. 
Sounds like your daughter is going to be a life-long liberal. 
The thing is, your daughter is desperately crying out for some limits. I don’t have kids, but IME, kids need a safe place to test their limits, and if they don’t have it, they don’t feel safe. If the parents are overly permissive they get afraid, and they start doing the “Well, what about this? If I do this will you care?”
I wish you the best of luck. I mean I know she’s legal very soon but I highly doubt she’ll be on her own without any help…you’ll probably still be supporting her for a couple of years yet.
Something that you need to know going in is that remaining (at least outwardly) calm and setting limits for a child that has not had them before can be exhausting. Make sure that you have a vent for the frustration that you may feel and that you get enough rest.
Do you have a spouse at present? Someone who could drop by to give you a little break if things get ugly?
I agree with those who are saying that she’s pulling a slightly more complex version of a small child’s pronouncement of “that’s not fair!” This girl has slightly more grown-up terms at her disposal, and has seized upon the word “bully” as a catchall term to mean “you’re trying to tell me what to do,” because she knows that “bully” is a hurtful word to be on the other end of, and can make her look like the victim. Instead, you are trying to do your job, be a parent.
Another suggestion - if she calls you a bully, consider not addressing the accusation at all. It’s not about that topic, and she wants to derail discussion of her chores/homework/whatever onto how awful you are so that she doesn’t have to do the “horrible” thing you’re requiring. Ignore the word, or don’t repeat it if you feel you have to say something like, “I’m being your father/a parent/a responsible parent.”
I think there are some good tactics in the thread already, and I can’t beat the ones suggested. I have a fairly pessimistic outlook, though, on whether this will have ANY effect on her long-term behavior. She’s learned this manipulative stuff through her entire childhood, and she doesn’t see that it’s wrong. So deal with her as you’d deal with a problem child. Make her someone else’s problem as soon as possible (meaning, get her out of the house when she’s 18). She has a black and white view of morality like most people do at that age, it’s just unfortunate that she’s been taught to always be the misunderstood champion of truth and rightness, instead of realizing that she is quite capable of being wrong. Until her brain is finished developing in her early 20s, she may not be capable of dealing in appropriate shades of gray (and if it’s too late for her to learn now, by then it’ll be solid cement).
Therefore, I would not approach the situation thinking you can change her. At this point, her argument tactics are ingrained. It would take months or years of therapy for her to even begin to agree that she is capable of being wrong. Forget teaching her *why *she is wrong. If you’re lucky, you might get her to keep her head down until she gets out of the house. Simply approach the situation as a way to keep the other family members in your household as happy as possible.
It’s an unfortunate situation, but for whatever reason you weren’t able to have a meaningful effect on her conflict-management skills when it would have mattered. Now it is pretty much too little, too late. Don’t feel like you’ve failed when she doesn’t learn “how not to be a manipulative bitch” over the next 2 years, when that’s a lesson she should have been taught within her first 10.
TL;DR version: it is too late. Go into damage control mode so she does not cause undue pain to you and other members of the household.
It might also help to remember that she’s a teenaged girl - nobody in the world is quite as victimized (in their minds) as a teenaged girl. Give her the boundaries she needs, but don’t expect her to thank you for it (not for a long time, anyway).
She’s trying to create a false reality by loudly making accusations, manipulate people through emotional appeals, and blame other people for the problems she’s causing. And she feels the rules shouldn’t apply to her.
No, I’m not seeing a liberal here.
The OP talks about the girl’s motivations in a really perjorative way. The girl is not trying to terrorize the household, she is trying to achieve a goal using the behavior her mother showed how to use. Her circumstances have changed and the behaviors her mothers taught her are wrong and counterproductive but those are probably the only behaviors she knows. You need to teach her new skills and behaviors that are healthy and appropriate. If you feel inadequate to that task, don’t be afraid to ask for help and try some family counseling.
One thing that some people overlook is that she needs a father and a friend. Most of the advice is about the father part but don’t overlook the friend part. Find things that she enjoys doing and do them together. She is going to be gone from your house soon and if you do not use this time to get close to her, you may never get that chance again. Be calm and consistent with discipline but also try to have fun too.
Strongly, strongly recommended: Back In Control by Gregory Bodenhamer. Probably wouldn’t hurt to buy Parent in Controlas well; it deals with the younger kids. BiC deals with the teens.
Did I mention that I strongly recommend these books? I have adopted several of his suggestions in my teaching techniques.
Thank you for all your feedback (some I appreciated, some less, but thanks none the less).
I felt I should give some background on the situation:
My daughter and I have gone to counseling before, because of issues with her mom. The problem is that her mom has been profesionally assessed as a sociopath. All the symptoms my ex has displayed, when we told the therapist…the therapist said points to my ex being a sociopath. She gave us a print out, and yep, point after point verified that. It was scary to acknowledge that.
These two articles describe my ex-wife so well, I was speechless when I first read it:
http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
So my daughter basically learned from the best: a full blown sociopath who is proud as heck. The funny thing is that she knows this about her mom, and she’s afraid of her mom…to a degree. She’s been hurt plenty of times by her mom’s hot and cold whimsical behavior to manipulate her daughter in the moment…for whatever purpose.
But sociopaths also have charisma and a charm. And this is what my daughter admires in her mom. My daughter verbalizes that she has a soft corner for her mom and looks up to her. I know many times she emulates her mom. It tears me to pieces because I know a daughter should have feelings for a mom…but I almost can’t allow my daughter to respect, admire and love…a sociopath. It drives me nuts. It’s a difficult and delicate situation.
I almost feel that untill my daughter accepts that her mom is not normal…and unless she accepts that there is something very wrong with her mom, that she (my daughter) will always be somewhat dysfunctional. But she refuses to go there. And I don’t have the heart to push her there and tell her that she should have no feelings for her mother.
On the other hand, as long as she has feelings for her mom and respects her…I will always be dealing with this issue, I feel. She admires the power that her mom wields through her manipulation and lack of empathy.
How do you fight that?
Love it!
You’re right, I think there is opportunity for humor in this. Again, any specific advice, appreciated. 