You are the parent and what you say goes, and no back talk or disrespect of any kind. Be like a judge and allow no contempt in your “courtroom”. Disagreements with your decisions must be put in writing for an appeal when you calm down.
I have no kids. Could you tell?
I usually say “I’m the Mom…its my job to bully you.”
I also tell my kids when they say “he’s picking on me” - “that’s why we gave you a brother, so you’d grow a thicker skin.”
Even out-of-the-box thinking like yours is good…though perhaps a little over-simplified for my situation. Thanks for trying nonetheless.
you sure she’s not trying to be a victim like Glenn Beck? 
Sociopathy is heritable. Do you think it’s possible your daughter is a sociopath, too?
Even if she’s not, she’s been the victim of a sociopath’s whims for her entire life. Of COURSE she’s going to be fucked up. I really think you guys should go to counseling. The internet has some good advice, but none of it can substitute for a doctor.
I was wondering that, too. Did the professional who assessed your ex as a sociopath also assess your daughter?
I think counselling for your daughter would be a very good idea, too - she’s got to be awfully confused about her feelings towards her mother.
I agree with you guys. I think sociopathy (if you can call it) is like a vampire disease. My wife had it. The funny thing is that my wife didn’t always display the symptoms of a sociopath. And then around her 30’s I started to see it…and it got worse and worse. Finally I had to get away from her. I’m glad I did. Unfortunately my daughter didn’t get away.
Anyway, what I mean to say is that I feel that my daughter has gotten ‘bitten by the vampire.’ I feel that she has the seeds growing in her to turn her into a vampire. It is horrible saying these things about your own flesh and blood. But sentimentalism is not going to solve my problems. Realism might. I agree with you guys. I feel my daughter is a sociopath in the making. This is nothing any parent should look forward to.
Right now my daughter feels that she has life all figured out. She is far from feeling like she needs to go to counseling. She is proud of how manipulative she is. She sees it as one of her core strengths and the power she wields in the world. She feels that this is a power that few have.
The funny thing is that she does have amazing people skills. She’s always had a gift of being able to size people up and interact with them in such a way as to be in their good graces. But, one day, like her mother, there will be a few people who will not be willing to continue to play according to her games. Perhaps like her mother she too will be bitter and alone. But by then it will be too late.
I am reaching out to the resources I have. You guys are one of them. At the end of the day, if I come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do, I will cut my losses and move on. But these are words no parent is ever proud to utter.
Untill I come to the conclusion otherwise, I will keep trying.
Humor can help too. Sometimes a bit of relief for the situation, and then you can go back to the main issue a bit more calmly.
I once used this with someone who had a pattern of blowing up in towering rants if she saw that she wasn’t getting her way. She did this once, and as everyone sat there in shocked silence after this, I said Barbara, you’re just so cute when you get all angry. Then it was her turn to sit there in shocked, or maybe enraged silence, while others laughed, and the Chair brought the discussion back to the motion under consideration.
Now she was a grown woman (40+ year old), instead of a teenager. She sometimes acted like one, but she could learn. For as long as she was on the Board of Directors of that organization, she didn’t fly into rages like this at Board Meetings anymore.
Please don’t do this. Get her some professional help first.
If she is a sociopath then therapy will probably not help and may hurt. However, after being married to a sociopath you are probably extra sensitive to sociopath like behavior and may be jumping to a conclusion. One of the only ways that has been shown to help sociopath is to rationally invite them to look at how their behavior has worked out. Your ex is brilliant at manipulating people and she is bitter and alone. You are a decent non-manipulative person with a loving family and a good job. It sounds like the sociopathic behavior has not worked out for your ex. Your daughter is probably old enough to look at her mother’s life and decide if that is how she wants to end up. Rejecting her mother’s manipulative ways does not mean rejecting her mother. You can love someone and hate a part of their personality, like a relative of an alcoholic does. Your daughter will probably never hate her mother the way you do, but can acknowledge the wreck her mother is.
“I’ve got a hearing problem. When you yell at me/whine/don’t vocalize/speak like the Cussing Smurf, I can’t understand a thing you say!”
Works with my nephews, with my mom, with grandma…
I like this. I will try it.
Yesterday, listening to all your advice, I sat down at a park, closed my eyes and visualized my daughter in one of emotionally filled rants. I could feel myself tightening up within myself even as I visualized. But I knew I was in a safe place within myself. I think I need to do more of this and visualize myself gracefully extricating myself from these emotional tight spots.
I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing this before. Taking myself through very emotionally trying situations in my own privacy. Kind of exercising myself…or stress testing myself, if you will. Cuz you know that if I can’t even do this when I am in the privacy of my own queit company, I sure as heck won’t be able to do it with her yelling and screaming all over me.
I need to take back the power that I have given her up being able to push my buttons.
I like where you’re going with this. Please tell me more. Give me more specifics.
Thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll look into it.
Thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll look into it.
Pretty much all teenagers fit the description of sociopath. Some grow out of it.
I need help coping with passive aggression. If anyone can give me any advice, I would be grateful.