Ni!
Your Highness, when I said you are like a stream of bat’s piss, I only meant that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark.
Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed?
I’m right on my uppers.
I can pay you back
When this postal order comes from Australia.
Honestly.
Hope the bladder trouble’s getting better.
Love, Ewan.
What, behind the rabbit?
What, ridden on a horse?
Yes, yes, as a matter of fact you can, actually I was interested in the possibility… of purchasing one of your… can I ask who you thought I was?
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable / Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table / David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel / And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel / There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya ‘bout the raisin’ of the wrist / Socrates himself was permanently pissed / And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill / Plato, they say, could stick it away - half a pint of whiskey, every day / Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle / Hobbes was fond of his dram / And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: “I drink, therefore I am!” / Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed… / a lovely little thinker but a bugger when he’s pissed.
Och, woman, if a blancmange is prepared to come 2,200,000 light years to purchase a kilt, they must be fairly keen on kilts. So cease yer prattlin’ woman and get sewin’! This could be the biggest breakthrough in kilts since the Provost of Edinburgh sat on a spike. Mary, we’ll be rich! We’ll be rich!
Well, well Robert the main thing is that it’s terribly exciting. You see the minister is quite clearly lodged between rocks we know terribly little of. Terribly little. Of course the main thing is we’re getting color pictures of an extraordinarily high quality. The important thing is, the really exciting thing is the minister will be bringing back samples of the Earth’s core which will give us a tremendous, really tremendous tremendous tremendous clue about the origins of the Earth and what God himself is made of.
The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand and… they’re off! Nietzsche and Hegel there. Karl Jaspers number seven on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him. There’s Beckenbauer. Schelling’s in there, Heidegger covering. Schopenhauer. And now it’s the Greeks, Epicurus, Plotinus number six. Aristotle. Empedocles of Acragus and Democratus with him. There’s Archimedes. Socrates, there he is, Socrates. Socrates there, going through. There’s the ball! There’s the ball… and we’ll be bringing you back to this exciting contest the moment anything interesting happens.
Well, I’m afraid I shan’t be coming on your expedition sir, as I’ve absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.
Well I’m going to carry on, if I can read the script.
Well, er, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Crescent, Belmont. Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up please.
And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”
What do we mean by no, what do we mean by yes, what do we mean by no, no, no.
Yes, a hat. A lion-taming hat. A hat with LION TAMER on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up, saying LION TAMER in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they’re less stroppy.
A tiger… in Africa?
Pull the other one!