…spammity spam…
I’ll have a slice without so much rat in it.
Regards,
Shodan
Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood, Devastation, Death War and Horror, and later on we’ll be meeting a man who does gardening.
…was WEAR-ing…
Shut your festering gob, you tit!
…spam spam spam spam spam spam…
The cat’s eaten it.
Five shillings a dozen? That’s ordinary cabbages, is it? And what about the bombs? Good lord, they are expensive.
…Spam!
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Housy! Housey! Bingo! Bingo!
Yes, well, he’s put me onto wattles.
How do you know she is a witch?
All right … I confess I haven’t cut your hair … I hate cutting hair. I have this terrible un-un-uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair. When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only way to cure it was to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdressers’ Training Centre at Totnes. Can you imagine what it’s like cutting the same head for five years? I didn’t want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia . . . (he is gradually straightening up with a visionary gleam in his eyes) The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine. (he tears off his barber’s jacket, to reveal tartan shirt and lumberjack trousers underneath; as he speaks the lights dim behind him and a choir of Mounties is heard, faintly in the distance) The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! (moves to stand infront of back-drop of Canadian mountains and forests) With my best girlie by my side … (a frail adoring blonde, the heroine of many a mountains film, or perhaps the rebel maid, rushes to his side and looks adoringly into his eyes) We’d sing … sing … sing.
Stop that, stop that! You’re not going to do a song while I’m 'ere.
I want her to now consider me her father, in a very real and legally-binding sense.
Here, let me try, dear. You go and play the cello.
That’s just what Jesus said.
But it’s my only line!
Hello. Hello people, and welcome to ‘It’s a Tree’. We have some really exciting guests for you this evening. A fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland, three gum trees making their first appearance in this country, scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole - there you go, can’t be bad - an exciting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic.
Shut up, please. Shut up. Would you PLEASE just shut up! SHUT UP!