O Lord, please don’t burn us.
Don’t grill or toast your flock.
Don’t put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don’t braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
It’s an entirely new strain of sheep, a killer sheep that can not only hold a rifle but is also a first-class shot.
Frank’s a nice name. President Nixon’s got a hedgehog called Frank.
Dad… ?
(A middle-aged man appears from the broom cupboard.)
Yeah?
No no, my dad…
No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This’ll be your kingdom, lad!
Look, it’s quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn’t leave the room. All right?
Right - do you want it with the body and one relative flown back, or you can have both bodies flown back and no relatives, or four relatives, no bodies, and the ashes sent by parcel post.
We can guarantee you that not a single armoured division will get done over for… fifteen bob a week.
Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face!
I was only asking her to shut up so I can hear what he’s saying, Big Nose.
Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
This is Uncle Ted in front of the house…This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house…And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house…This is Uncle Ted back in front of the house, but you can see the side of the house…And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front…This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front…And the is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed.
Look, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide! It’s a killer!
Next week we’ll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer.
Shall I “thwow” him to the floor, sir?
Oh, don’t grovel! Do get up. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people grovelling! And don’t apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “sorry” this and “forgive me” that and “I’m not worthy” and… what are you doing now?
Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Dear Sir, I am writing to complain about that sketch about people failing out of a high building. I have worked all my life in such a building and have never once - aaaaaaaaarrrgghh!!! (splat)
Tough titty if it did, you nasty, spotted prancer!
In that case I shall have to kill you.