Yes, sir. Bugged or unbugged?
Waiter, this conversation isn’t very good.
We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Right, do you four boys take these two girls to be your seven brides?
Operator, get me the British Dental Association. And hurry!
My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains
My senses, as though an anteater I’d seen
(panic spreads and the audience half rise)
A nasty long-nosed brute
(screams from the audience)
With furry legs and sticky darting tongue
I seem to feel its cruel jaws
Crunch crunch there go my legs
Snap snap my thorax too
(various screaming women faint)
My head’s in a twain, there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow, swallow, slurp
Is your name not Bruce, then?
We have to protect the public! People aren’t going to think there’s a real frog in chocolate. Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl.
Hamlet: [on a psychiatrist’s couch] It’s just that anywhere I go it’s the same old thing. All anyone wants me to say is “to be or not to be”.
Dirty books, please.
At 10:30 every morning Ken arrives at what he thinks is the gym. Sometimes it’s a sweetshop, sometimes it’s a private house. Today its a hospital.
“It’s hotter than a monkey’s bum in here, Your Majesty,” he said, and the Queen smiled quietly to herself.
I AM NOT A LOONY! Why should I be tarred with the epithet “loony” merely because I have a pet halibut? I’ve heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon, and you wouldn’t call Sir Gerald a loony, would you? Furthermore, Dawn Pelforth, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Sir Stefford after the late Chancellor, Allen Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman, and the late, great Marcel Proust had a haddock! If you’re calling the author of À la recherche du temps perdu a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
How fortunate we are indeed to have such a poet on these shores.
IS it!
*bet nobody can guess that one…tee hee
He wasn’t the messiah. He was a very naughty boy.
Good day, Mr. Fishfinger. Can I be of some assistance?
It’s just a flesh wound.
In slow motion.
The BBC would like to apologize to everyone in the world for that last item. It was disgusting and bad and thoroughly disobedient, and please don’t bother to phone up because we know it was very tasteless, but they didn’t really mean it and they all come from broken homes and have very unhappy personal lives, especially Eric. Anyway, they’re all really nice people underneath, and very warm in the traditional show business way. And please don’t write in either because the BBC is going through an unhappy phase at the moment, what with its father dying, and the mortgage, and BBC2 going out with men.