Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger…
Oh, intercourse the penguin.
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquiallism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the Half-Bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader!..
A one… two… A one… two… three…four…
[piano intro]
Half a bee, philosophically, must, ipso facto, half not be. (piano tinkle)
But half the bee
has got to be,
vis a vis
its entity - do you see?
But can a bee
be said to be
or not to be
an entire bee
when half the bee
is not a bee
due to some ancient injury?
Singing…
La dee dee, 1 2 3,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.
Is this retched demi-bee,
half asleep upon my knee,
some freak from a menagerie?
No! It’s Eric the half a bee.
Fiddle dee dum,
Fiddle dee dee,
Eric the half bee.
(hearty whistling)
Ho ho ho,
Tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.
I love this hive employee-ee-ee [with buzzing in background]
bisected accidentally
one summer afternoon by me
I love him carnally.
He loves him carnally… [together]
…semi-carnally
[spoken]
The end
It’s only a model.
Listen cowboy, I got a job to do. IT’S A STUPID, POINTLESS JOB, BUT AT LEAST IT KEEPS ME AWAY FROM ICELAND, ALL RIGHT?
Let me shoulder your burden, brother.
He’s pining for the fjords.
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It’s a slow, horrible death!
As he’s going to be teaching politics, I’ve told him he’s welcome to teach any of the great socialist thinkers, provided he makes it clear that they were wrong.
You did, James, you did.
Meanwhile in Washington, at the headquarters of ‘FEAR’ - the Federal Egg Answering Room - in reality a front name for ‘FEEBLE’ - the Free World Extra-Earthly Bodies Location and Extermination Centre… all was not well.
Brian: There’s no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper: That’s just what Jesus said, sir.
Well l’ve been in the city for thirty years and I’ve never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber … Conservative.
Oh, Mr. Bellpitt! Your legs are so swollen! Oh, Mr. Bellpitt! Your legs… are so… swooollen!
Pretty begonias, irises, freesias and cry-manthesums…arrange them nicely in a vase. (thrusts the flowers head downwards into the vase and stuffs them in wildly; then bangs them with a mallet in an attempt to get them all in) Get in! Get in! Get in!
And we’ve just heard that Her Majesty the Queen has just tuned into this programme and so she is now watching this royal sketch here in this royal set. The actor on the left is wearing the great grey suit of the BBC wardrobe department and the other actor is … about to deliver the first great royal joke here this royal evening. (the camera pans, Martin following it part way, to show the camera crew and the audience, all standing to attention) Over to the right you can see the royal cameraman, and behind… Oh, we’ve just heard she’s switched over. She’s watching the ‘News at Ten’.
“Popped by”? Swarmed by, more like it - there’s a multitude out there!
All right, I’ll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.