It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
Albatross! Albatross!
Sounded a bit like an alarm going off.
Finest in the district!
Now go away or I will taunt you a second time.
No, absolutely, absolutely, that’s what I always say. (he produces plates from his case and smashes them on the table) But you’d be amazed at the number of people who really don’t want me - I mean, even doing this (he produces a rubber crab suspended from a ping-pong paddle and a rubber baby doll and bobs them up and down, making loud silly noises as he does so) gets people looking at me in the most extraordinary way. (he breaks more plates and squirts shaving cream over his head; the couple he imposed himself on get up to leave)
That’s all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers’ tiff. But you’re not the first person to ask me today; I’ve turned down several people already.
That came out a bit glib didn’t it?
I will marry you, sir, but please make up your mind. Please don’t trifle with my affections.
It’s only a bloody parking offense.
No. 1. The Larch.
And now for something completely different - a man with a tape recorder up his nose.
I’m afraid I’m already marrying this gentleman, sir.
The… larch.
But our sales would plummet!
Kill! Kill! Kill! The filthy bastard commies, I hate 'em! I hate 'em! Aaargh! Aaargh!
Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent…
'Tis but a scratch!
That’s going to cause a bit of confusion.
*Long John Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. They circle each other. On one’s head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other’s a sterve-pipe hat appears. On the first’s head is a fez. The stove-pipe hat becomes a stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal’s hat. The stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal’s hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearinng on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogostick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into a dustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogostick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puff of smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes. *