Little bastatd, I hate 'im!
Listen Cowboy. I got a job to do. It’s a stupid, pointless job but at least it keeps me away from Iceland, all right? The leg of the worker bee has…
Go away!
… or I shall taunt you a second taahm! sniff
Bowling, that’s right next ball I gave him a shorter faster one, he went on the back foot, he hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn’t have chance to move, couldn’t protect myself the ball over my head down to the sidescreen fielder ran round picked the ball up, threw it in I was watching the wicket keeper the ball landed right on the bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, last ball of the over I gave him a slower one, threw it right up in the air he came all the way down, he took the ball on the full toss, hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn’t have chance to move, couldn’t protect myself, ball hit me straight, smack, plumb between the eyes. Course I was getting used to it by then.
Hello, hello, operator? Yes we’re trying to get the fire brigade … No, the fire brigade. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, what? …Size eight. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no of course not, Yes…
So, remember when you’re feeling very small and insecure, how amazingly unlikely is your birth.
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space, 'cuz there’s bugger all down here on Earth.
So from now on we’re going to do things my way. For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs. And I’ve seen the plans!
You’re always on about it… morning, noon, and night. ‘Will the girls like this?’ ‘Will the girls like that?’ ‘Is it too big?’ ‘Is it too small?’
I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Operator, get me the British Dental Association. And hurry!
Hello, Last week on ‘Party Hints’ I showed you how to make a small plate of goulash go round twenty-six people, how to get the best out of your canapés, and how to unblock your loo. This week I’m going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you’re having a party. Well obviously it’ll depend how far you’ve gotwithyour party when the signal for Red Revolt is raised. If you’re just having preliminary aperitifs - Dubonnet, a sherry or a sparkling white wine - then the guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. So the thing to do is to get some cloth and some bits of old paper, put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. This will deal with the Red Menace on your own doorstep. If you’re having canapés, as I showed you last week, or an outdoor barbecue, then the thing to do is to set fire to all houses in the street. This will stir up anti-communist hatred and your neighbours will be right with you as you organize counter-revolutionary terror. So you see, if you act promptly enough, any left-wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. Bye…
Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves. Simon has a shot. Bad luck, he misses. Nigel misses. Now there’s Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself - Gervaise is Upperclass Twit of the Year. There’s Nigel, he’s shot Simon by mistake, Simon is back up and there’s Nigel, Nigel’s shot himself: Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass Twit of the Year Show I’ve ever seen. Nigel’s clubbed himself into fourth place.
Ten weeks! Blimey, can’t you just leave this one?
Good, good, cause I had five years in a Jap camp you know. Or was in Malaya? No no Japanese that was it. Got over it though, thank god hey, I should say so. (sound of banging) And now Mr Leyton tell me why do you want to join the secret, why do you want to join the secret, why do you want to join the secret, why do you want to join the secret why, why do you want to, why do you to, why do you want to (keeps speaking in a very silly voice and then screams) Why do you want to join the secret service?
Alan Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on ‘How to do it’ we’re going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here’s Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Jackie Hello, Alan.
Alan Hello, Jackie.
Jackie Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there’ll never be any diseases ever again.
Alan Thanks, Jackie. Great idea. How to play the flute. (picking up a flute) Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.
Noel Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we’ll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So, until next week, cheerio.
“And did those feet, in ancient times…”
Gimme the 'oop!
One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Algie’s here, too.