Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he’s in the water barrel.
Have you got any Limburger?
This is Bolton, isn’t it?
The palindrome of Bolton would be notlob.
Albatross!
Lemon Curry?
It was the salmon mousse
Why, he’s mending it with his own hands!
See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut!
Oh, Oh Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?
Oh, you don’t need to guv. It’s all in a days work for… Bicycle Repair Man!
And when he had built up Cedron, he sent Horsemen there, and an host of footmen to the end that issuing out they might make outroads upon the ways of Judea, as the King commanded them…
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu…
Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
I wish to plead incompetence.
The… Larch.
Tonight we’re going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting.
You’re a brave man. Karl Marx, your final question, who won the Cup Final in 1949?
Right … this is the plan then. At 10:45 … you, Reg, collect me and Ken in the van, and take us round to the British Jewellery Centre in the High Street. We will arrive outside the British Jewellery Centre at 10:50 a of m. I shall then get out of the car, you Reg, take it and park it back here in Denver Street, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me £5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing £5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic. You’ll go straight to Norman’s Garage in East Street. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we rendezvous in the back room at the Cow and Sickle, at 11:15. All right, any questions?
Um, I’m sorry about the … the, er, pause, only I’m afraid the show is a couple of minutes short this week. You know, sometimes the shows aren’t really quite as er, long as they ought to be. (pause, he looks round at the sea) Beautiful, isn’t it. (he walks out of shot; long pause; he walks back) Look there’s not really a great deal of point in your, sort of hanging on at your end, because I’m afraid there aren’t any more jokes or anything.
For breakfast every day, Ken places a plate of liver and bacon under his chair, and locks himself in the cupboard.
I’m a gonner, major. Leave me, I’m … I’m not a complete man anymore.