I’ve decided that - since, apparently, no one is going to do so - I have to institute laws and regulations for the music world to follow. Otherwise,we’ll just be running willy-nilly, pell-mell, degenerating in even worse music. I have proposed the following rules:
I don’t fucking care if you just had a child, and it changed your life. I don’t want to hear ANY more songs about children. Especially from good bands. Ex: Live, “Heaven,” Ben Folds, “Still Fighting It.”
Bands will no longer be allowed to use the number 3 - or any variation thereof - in their name. Third Eye Blind, Seven Mary Three, Three Days Grace, Three Doors Down, etc.
No more forced rhymes. Rhyming is not all that hard. Shit, my four-year old niece can rhyme. So, for everyone who feels the need to pervert the industry with lines like “and nothing can slow down me,” you will be slapped.
Unnecessary remakes will no longer be admitted. There’s no reason why Joss Stone has to cover “Fell In love With a [Boy]”. Garth Brooks has recorded versions of two or three Billy Joel songs. He’s turning into a country version of Michael Bolton.
Counting will no longer be allowed in songs. We’ll grandfather in the people who have done it previously. But there’s no reason for anyone to think that counting to ten - and saying something after each number - is an acceptable songwriting tool. As I said, people that have done this before can no longer do it. So, Violent Femmes, I don’t care if you forgot “what eight was for.”
No more songs about water, and people committing crimes near it. From Seven Mary Three’s “Water’s Edge” to Warrant’s “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” to Richard arx’s “Hazard,” this has just been beaten to death. Stop it.
Life doesn’t HAVE to make sense. Okay? Get it? So stop writing stupid frickin’ songs about it. I’m looking at you again, Three Doors Down,
Actually, upon further reflection, Three Doors Down has to be disbanded, and the members sacrificed to the gods of music.
Stop misspelling your band name. Outkast, Def Leppard, Led Zepplin, Wreckx-N-Effect, even The Beatles. Most computers have a spellcheck option. I suggest you use it.
Why stop at “three” in band names? All numbers in band names should be retroactively prohibited, except where the number is a necessary part of the name, like B-52s.
If you don’t like the name of your band being Blink or Matchbox, come up with another name.
Stop rhyming the words “Brain” and “Insane”. There are no more clever variations on this theme. It’s just shallow and stupid.
Movie starlets do not need Pro Tools enhanced dance singles. This goes for Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan and the whole lot of you. Make movies or sing. That’s it. If you’re wondering why, check under “Willis, Bruce”
If you now only rap about how many cars and how much money you have, I will consider you set for life and stop buying things you put out.
The Rolling Stones are hereby prohibited from making any more new records, period. Ditto for the Eagles. Your new songs suck.
Oh yes, and country music singers: We know that you are patriots already, this is why you play country music in the first place. You don’t ever need to remind us. Not too many Facist Anarchists in Nashville, you know?
No more rappers with poor rhythm. Admittedly, some rappers now are doing very subtle and complex cross-rhythms against the beat, and I’m not talking about them, but some of them aren’t really staying in any kind of rhythm at all. If you can’t carry a tune, and you can’t stay with the beat, it’s really time to throw in the towel and do something else with your life.
Girl singers: you want us to believe you can sing, so that’s why you do that “whoahoohaaaooohhwhhhooah” thing in 6 octaves for minutes at a time. Yes, very impressive, but we still hate you. Stop it. Yes, Jessica, even you.
Likewise, stop rhyming fire/desire, girl/pearl and maybe/baby.*
I love the Pulp song “Disco 2000,” but the part that goes What are you doing sunday, baby?
Would you like to come and meet me, maybe?
You can even bring your baby
crazes me. Not only is there the old “maybe/baby” rhyme, but he also rhymes “baby” with “baby.”
We’ve had threads about this, but the and ‘never/forever’ rhyme also has to die.
I have long been a staunch opponent of band names with numbers in them. Names like the B-52s and Dave Clark Five never bothered me, but Matchbox 20 has to die. It’s not a freaking AIM name, it’s your band. Don’t remind me of how disposable you are, I already know.
While your counting point is very valid, I do have to argue with the mention of the Violent Femmes, Superdude. For one thing, the counting is actually relevant to the song (he’s counting the pills he’s popped) and the ‘screwup’ with eight makes it worthwhile in my opinion. So if nothing else, they deserve to be grandfathered in.
NO MORE rhymes with “beggin’ you please” and “bended knees”. I don’t care WHAT you are beggin’ for, COME UP WITH ANOTHER RHYME. It make me cringe–I hear bended knees or beggin’ please and I just KNOW, with the inevitability of watching a train derailment, what the next line is gonna be…
No one under the age of 20 should be allowed to record a cover of a song written before they were born. Every single time, they ruin it. You wanna be a pop star? Write your own damn songs!
Is there any possible way to ban country music altogether? Due to personal moves at work, the crew I work on acquired a guy that thinks everyone loves country music and everyone needs to listen to it. The worst part is we are stuck inside a Boeing 737 and there is no place to get away from it without leaving the airplane. The crew radio was lost for a few days but someone found it this morning. Got to find me a better hiding spot.
I’m sorry, but if you hate Joss Stone’s cover of the White Stripes, I have to respectfully call you a loon.
It’s everything that a cover SHOULD be. New take on the song, new genre, new timing, it’s brilliant. It’s up there with Fountains of Wayne’s “Baby One More Time” as one of my favorite covers.
Jessica Simpson’s cover of Berlin, now, that was HORRIBLE. Added nothing new and just muzakified what was originally a wonderful (if very pop) tune.
Most of the other stuff, though, I’m with ya.
night/right is another rhyme that needs to be killed.
On the subject of forced rhyming, I would submit Bad Religion’s Greg Graffin as being worthy of an exemption. Listening to him trying to cram all of his nifty multisyllabic verbiage into a rhyme is very amusing.
For the record, I have no problem with her cover itself. She does a great job. I just think that, with VERY FEW exceptions, remakes are unnecessary. Hers, Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal,” and maybe one or two others are okay.
But I think there has to be an across-the-board rule. Otherwise, for every “Fell In Love With a [Boy],” we get Britney Spears doing (she has done all of these) “Satisfaction,” “The Beat Goes On,” and “My Prerogative.”