More conflict at the Beetle house

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
It is a big problem with the kids having different rules. However, his kids and mine are worlds apart in terms of maturity, worldliness, responsibility, experience, etc. This is a temporary living arrangement, and if we clamp down a bit more on the husband’s kids, they’re likely to just run away. As far as I can tell, they’ve been raised by wolves. Wolves or TV sets. (And I agree my husband shares the blame for that situation.)

As for the hard bargain, there’s backstory, of course. My daughter’s very lazy. She does well in school, but beyond that, if it takes effort, she’s not interested. So a few weeks previous to this, she was saying that she wished she had more money to spend for Christmas, and my husband offered to pay her for washing his car. The thought of all that physical labor outdoors gave Alex the vapors, and she turned him down. He was taken aback. So when the ride to school came up, he was jokingly offering a bargain he never thought she’d take, but she made no attempt to negotiate.
[/QUOTE]

I can actually understand that. Like si_blakely said, these kids are going through a rough spot right now, and what’s good for them might not be being treated exactly the same as kids who aren’t going through a rough time.

But here’s the thing: rough time or no, rules are rules. The things that should be extended are sympathy, compassion and understanding. Maybe letting them out of a few chores on busy days when they visit their mother at the hospital. Not the general running of the household.

The basic rules should be the same, not because of some feelings about “fairness”, but just because if a rule doesn’t apply to everyone, it doesn’t need to be there. If “put your dishes in the dishwasher after eating” is important, it’s important for everyone. Yes, of course there are specific rules that sometimes need to be said only to the offenders, but they should still apply to anyone who offends. ANYONE who breaks curfew needs to spend some time paying Mom back for her sleepless hours by doing her housework the next day. The time of that curfew might be different depending on age, job and personal needs, but the breakage of whatever that curfew is should result in the same consequences no matter who provided your DNA at conception.

There’s one thing that’s like nails on chalkboard to me when I read your posts about your family: “his kids” and “my kids”. Stop that (please) - they’re all “our kids” (well, your kids, but you know what I mean.) You,** Dung Beetle**, have four kids now. I have no idea if you say his and mine for clarity in writing, or because that’s what it feels like in your heart. But, IMHO, you’re not going to have a family until they’re all your (plural) kids. Until that happens, you just have three roommates, the oldest of which is sleeping with you.

As for the windows, I’d help our daughter to do them, but she’d be with me the whole time matching wipe for wipe - no fair running to the kitchen for a drink and disappearing for an hour. And yes, let it be a lesson on bartering and fair trade!

22

[QUOTE=Cheesesteak]
He’s basically sticking her with a really crappy deal because she was desperate enough to take it. That’s cool if you intend it to be a learning experience, but she’s going to be resentful about it, and that’s a justifiable response.

[/QUOTE]

Desparate? I don’t see it. Dung’s explanation that she previously wanted money but was unwilling to wash the car, makes me think she didn’t really expect to have to wash the windows when she agreed to the deal.

I can really sympathize with the dad. I can imagine jokingly saying something like this, not expecting the kid to agree. But then once the kid does agree, does the dad just want to say “Forget about your side of the bargain”?

Here’s a possible approach. Many people are addressing this “deal” as a contract. I agree. But contracts can always be renegotiated upon agreement of the parties. Even after partial performance.

It sounds as tho even your husband agrees washing all of the windows is too much for one ride. And this is clearly turning into a bigger thing than it should have been. Perhaps he might see some benefit in discussing this with your daughter to try to come up with a solution that would be fair compensation. Of course, unless she is willing to rework the deal and come up with a solution he will agree to, she is held to her original agreement. This should give her incentive to approach the negotiation realistically and constructively.

Maybe she could wash the windows in part of the house. Or he and she and you would all wash them together. Or he could forget the windows and look to something completely different.

Just seems this kind of approach might actually lead to discussion (generally a good thing) and addressing the issue of what effort she should be expected to make for what benefits (whch you suggest she might benefit from.) Plus, you realize that as a general rule she should not learn that she can just say she will do things, and then get out of it for no good reason other than that she subsequently regrets the deal she made.

Even if things stay rocky for a while, I sense the possibility that some valuable lessons/insight might be conveyed to all parties through such an exercise.

23

Mr. Beetle over-reacted to the inconvenience and, frankly, blew a chance to bring the two families closer together. But that’s just my knee-jerk-Brady Bunch reaction.

Does your daughter have a history of whining about deals she makes? Was the window-washing deal perhaps a way to pare down her transportation requirements?

The LAST thing your husband needs to be doing now is treating one set of kids differently from the others. He needs to tell his sons, “Look, fellas, I know you’re in a bad place right now, but I need for you to step up and be the men you were raised to be.” I assume he had something to do with their upbringing, even as a divorcee.

Finally, part of what your daughter is also complaining about is that her happy home life has been disrupted. Nobody likes upheaval, and while I feel for her, well, life ain’t fair.

24

Both, really.

It did turn into a big thing, and now he’s digging in his heels.

I talked to Alex last night, and she says she’ll do the windows, though she still doesn’t think it’s fair. I’m going to do what I can to help her.

25

[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]

It did turn into a big thing, and now he’s digging in his heels.

[/QUOTE]

Been there, done that - many a time.
It is surprising how often I have to stop and remind myself that I am supposed to be the mature one, modelling the behavior I desire to teach.
I think I’ve been getting a bit better at avoiding that over the years, tho.

26

[QUOTE=Dinsdale]
Desparate? I don’t see it. Dung’s explanation that she previously wanted money but was unwilling to wash the car, makes me think she didn’t really expect to have to wash the windows when she agreed to the deal.
[/quote]
I’m not sure where you get that conclusion, I don’t believe that she agreed to wash the car, but reneged after, she turned down the deal flat because she didn’t want to sign up for that amount of work for the benefit she was getting. She felt that getting the gifts to school was more important than the money, so she took this deal, even though the work was much greater. I think that she sees deals as all or nothing, either you take the deal or you don’t, she may not have considered that the deal offered was negotiable, or simply a joke.

He could have said that he was just joking, and that washing all the windows is way too much work for the ride she’s getting, then suggest a reasonable deal. If he knows the deal is jokingly bad, like you suggested, he needs to own up to it, be the adult, and come to a compromise.

27

[QUOTE=WhyNot]

There’s one thing that’s like nails on chalkboard to me when I read your posts about your family: “his kids” and “my kids”. Stop that (please) - they’re all “our kids” (well, your kids, but you know what I mean.) You,** Dung Beetle**, have four kids now. I have no idea if you say his and mine for clarity in writing, or because that’s what it feels like in your heart. But, IMHO, you’re not going to have a family until they’re all your (plural) kids. Until that happens, you just have three roommates, the oldest of which is sleeping with you.
[/QUOTE]

I am not at all sure I agree – at least it depends on number of things not outlined in this OP. But if I am doing the math right, these kids acquired their respective stepparents at the age of 13.

At 13, a stepparent gets parent status By Invitation Only, it seems to me. I think it is disrespectful to the child to handle it in any other way. And violative of the child’s boundaries at a time when boundaries are already likely to be an issue. I got my stepfather (whom I love very much) at the age of 11 and if he had started up with the “our kids” thing I would have ripped his thr- er, not reacted well.

I don’t think his kids are in anything even remotely resembling a place where they are ready to accept the OP as their mother. Their mother being ill and all. And I don’t think they are likely to get that way by being required to play Happy Families. The only way to get to love is by respecting boundaries along the way.

A stepparent is not a second class citizen by virtue of not being a parent. Neither are aunts and uncles. It’s just a different relationship, which has to be defined by the people involved.

28

[QUOTE=Marienee]
A stepparent is not a second class citizen by virtue of not being a parent. Neither are aunts and uncles. It’s just a different relationship, which has to be defined by the people involved.
[/QUOTE]

Agreed, but I’d add that no kid should be treated like a second class citizen by virtue of not being “your” kid, and I think that’s the real issue here.

I find this *profoundly * disturbing. I really can’t emphasize enough how much this attitude is Not Okay.

29

[QUOTE=DianaG]
Agreed, but I’d add that no kid should be treated like a second class citizen by virtue of not being “your” kid, and I think that’s the real issue here.

[/QUOTE]

I don’t think we know enough to know whether it’s disturbing or not, or whether she is really a second class citizen or not. As a bloodied veteran of the multiply blended family, the first thing that strikes me is that the fundamental problem is that the OP and her husband are not on the same team in this regard. It has in very short time become him and his kids vs her and her kid and I promise you that no one wins like that. They must find out – and quickly – why they are each protecting their own offspring and trying to justify doing that.

And as a practical matter, teens must never find out that they can cause dissention in the parental ranks, this only leads to, um, a lot of testing to find out just how much dissention they can cause. Blended family or otherwise, but especially in a blended family since you don’t have the history to fall back on.

They need to figure out what they all want their family to look like – and the parents need to accept that in a teens’ world this generally means friends first, second, and third and parents a distant fourth, with stepparents lumped in with other adults and classed as also rans. I wonder if these twins, for example, are now further away from their friends or even have had to change schools thus necessitating getting rides to places. In other words, I am not yet prepared to say that not treating the children identically is the same as not being fair. Especially given that they are not in the same situation – the daughter is at home, the twins are temporary (and m I alone in thinking, resented?) refugees.

30

[QUOTE=Marienee]
<snip>the first thing that strikes me is that the fundamental problem is that the OP and her husband are not on the same team in this regard. It has in very short time become him and his kids vs her and her kid and I promise you that no one wins like that. They must find out – and quickly – why they are each protecting their own offspring and trying to justify doing that.<snip>
[/quote]

Agreed. The impression I’m getting is that Dung Beetle and her husband are not jelling as a couple and a team.

I’ve actually given this some thought, and haven’t come to any good resolution of this issue - everyone always says their kids come first over their new spouse, and I’m not sure if this is right or wrong. Your kids are your kids for life, and they should always be considered and loved, but kids grow up and leave, and your spouse is your peer and your partner, theoretically for the rest of your life. You shouldn’t be choosing your spouse over your kids, but I’m not sure you should be choosing your kids over your spouse, either.

No. There is definitely a resentful vibe throughout the threads on this topic (not judging - just saying what I see).

31

[QUOTE=featherlou]
I’ve actually given this some thought, and haven’t come to any good resolution of this issue - everyone always says their kids come first over their new spouse, and I’m not sure if this is right or wrong. Your kids are your kids for life, and they should always be considered and loved, but kids grow up and leave, and your spouse is your peer and your partner, theoretically for the rest of your life. You shouldn’t be choosing your spouse over your kids, but I’m not sure you should be choosing your kids over your spouse, either.
[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this, and feel that there’s never any need to automatically and routinely choose one over the other. Ideally, you take each situation as it comes and act accordingly. Of course, in reality, each situation comes weighted with the situations that came before it. Which means that the longer **DB ** and her husband continue this “yours, mine, and HANDS OFF!” dance, the more entrenched their positions will become.

I lean towards **DB’s ** daughter (who, incidentally, should perform the task she agreed to and be more careful in the future) in this particular situation for two reasons. First, because who’s going to stand up for her here, if not DB? Second, because I have far greater tolerance for kids behaving badly than for grownups behaving badly.

I’m not sure how much meaningful advice I can offer, because this is frankly one of the biggest reasons I never married. My daughter and I have a dynamic that I can’t imagine trying to fit anyone else into, and the idea of playing referee until she’s off on her own is exhausting to me. But it appears to me that the DB household virtually seethes with resentment all around at the moment, and while that’s understandable and probably unavoidable, it’s the **grownups ** job to try to smoothe it over, not to exacerbate it by playing “your kids suck more than mine”.

Dung Beetle, I wish you and your family luck, and hope that some of this stuff is resolved soon.

32

[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
(2) He doesn’t think he’s playing favorites, but even if he is, so what?
[/QUOTE]

Wow. That part made my jaw drop.

33

Yeah, there’s resentment all 'round. Most of it’s coming from the girls, who don’t like each other and have to share a room. His kids don’t like rules, chores, our food, or our cats. My husband is feeling a bit manipulated by his daughter, and annoyed by constant complaints from mine. I’m feeling awkward around his kids, who obviously have no use for me either. The only one who seems to be getting by mostly unscathed is my son.

The windows won’t get done till the weekend, but then we can probably lay this episode to rest. Tune in next week, though. We’re certain to have new drama by then.

34

Also, thanks for the book recommendation, Ellen, and the thoughts and perspectives of everyone.

35

I know I’m a little late to this party Dung Beetle, but I wanted to express my sympathy to you (and to the whole family) over the entire messed-up situation. I can see things from pretty much everyone’s point of view and can see how the situation seems to have entwined itself so that no one is going to be completely satisfied and everything is so much more fraught because of the situational stress.

I agree that you’re right to make your kid stick with her bargain. She is physically capable of it and it’s not as if she has to do it every weekend for a year. It’s very nice of you to help her with it so that she doesn’t have to do the whole thing herself. (I’d blast the Cinderella soundtrack while we worked, but that’s just my morbid Disney sense of humor revealing itself.)

Some points you could emphasize to the kid:

[ul]
[li]Sometimes life isn’t fair.[/li][li]Yeah, it’s hard, but you can do it and I’ll help you.[/li][li]Stepdad is having a rough time right now so it would be nice if we could please just do this for him.[/li][/ul]

With luck, the experience won’t be fatal to either of you. :slight_smile:

That out of the way, life is unfair, but kids need parents to be fair. It sounds as though Stepdad won’t do that sort of thing again, so maybe it doesn’t need to be brought up to him. (I hope?)

Once the drama is done, is there something Stepdad could do for Alex as a thank you/pax gesture? A lunch out, an extra ride somewhere, a cd? “You did a wonderful job on the windows. I know it’s tough sharing your room, too, so I just wanted to say thanks. I really appreciate it.”

36

Hmmm…well, I guess anything’s possible. :slight_smile:

37

[QUOTE=Barrett Bonden]
“You did a wonderful job on the windows. I know it’s tough sharing your room, too, so I just wanted to say thanks. I really appreciate it.”
[/QUOTE]
Seconded. If this doesn’t work like magic, your house may need the services of an exorcist. :slight_smile:

38

[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
<snip> The only one who seems to be getting by mostly unscathed is my son. <snip>
[/QUOTE]

Not to turn the only seemingly positive on its head, but he’s probably just better at hiding it. Familial turmoil affects everyone in the home.