More conflict at the Beetle house

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m not really posting for advice, because I don’t think there’s anything that can help, but I’m just feeling really down today and maybe I can write it all down and get past it.

I’ve been married three years and yesterday my husband and I had our worst disagreement yet. To quickly sketch in the situation, his sixteen year old twins have recently moved in with us because their mother is seriously ill. I have a sixteen year old daughter (Alex) and an eleven year old son. Everything has been hunky-dory until his kids moved in, but now we’re all having a lot of trouble adjusting because they are very different from my kids, been raised under a different set of rules, are going through a difficult time, etc.

The main conflict is between my husband and my daughter Alex. On the last day of school before Christmas, she asked him to give her a ride to school because she was carrying gifts for friends and she thought it would be awkward on the bus. He agreed, but because it was a substantial inconvenience for him, made a deal with her that she would wash all the windows in the house. She agreed. She has since decided the deal was unfair, because his kids are constantly asking for rides to the mall or friends’ houses, and my husband complies willingly without asking anything in return. When she brought this up to me, I didn’t know what to say, and hoping to avoid conflict, told her to just forget about it, because it was so long ago, he probably had.

Yesterday he reminded her that she had promised to wash the windows. She pulled me aside and begged me to speak to him about it. I wanted her to ask him about it herself, but finally I did go to him and ask why he gives his kids free rides so frequently but Alex has to pay. I phrased it better than that, but there really was no good way to say it, and he blew up.

His points are (1) he does a lot for both of my kids. This is true. Most recently, Alex missed her bus home last week and he went to pick her up. He picks the boy up from school every day. He’s a stern but decent dad-figure in their lives.
(2) He doesn’t think he’s playing favorites, but even if he is, so what? The others are his children, their mother is in the hospital, and they have a tendency to rebel if their leashes aren’t long enough.
(3) She made an agreement and she should keep her word.

Her points are (1) She felt forced into the deal, and (2) It’s not fa-aa-air! The other kids get to do anything they want!

Now that I’ve done the damage, I’ve come around to his way of thinking, and I’ve apologized, but I think I’ve really wounded him. I feel terrible and I don’t know how I can make amends.

So…I guess that’s it. It did actually help me to clarify where I’ve gone wrong, and I will start Alex on the windows this afternoon. I’m going to go ahead and post it, though. I’ve got a feeling I’ll be needing frequent advice on this stepparent/stepkid thing.

2

It’s a tough situation because of the external circumstances. I think having your daughter wash the windows is the right thing to do – it’s not “fair,” but she did agree to it, it won’t kill her, and it’s the thing that’s likeliest to defuse the situation in the short term. And I do believe you should be thinking short-term here, asuming the ex-wife’s illness doesn’t drag on. With luck, the twins will leave before too, too long, and then the situation can normalize itself a little.

3

What was so inconvenient for your daughter’s ride that isn’t present when he drives the other kids? Also, did he really feel that was a fair exchange of favors? Because I certainly don’t…unless the ride to school was like 2 hours or something.

4

I think because she did agree to it, she should wash the windows. You shouldn’t make a bargain you’re not prepared to keep, and you shouldn’t expect to be released from your bargain because now you don’t want to follow through. That being said, washing all the windows in the house for a lift to school was unfair. The two sets of kids shouldn’t be held to two sets of standards, and if he’s ever going to be more that “the guy my mother married” to your kids, he’d better start treating them like they’re more than inconvenience. I would guess you do a lot for his kids, if you want to play into his argument. Next time one of his kids wants a meal you prepared, you wouldn’t tell them to scrub all the bathrooms, would you? And “They have a tendancy to rebel if their leashes aren’t long enough”? Sorry - his kids should be livng by the same house rules as yours.

StG

5

Sal Ammoniac’s pretty much nailed it. I don’t think the bargain was a good one either, but it was made and it’s got to be upheld now. The twins being with us is supposed to be a short-term situation and could be over any day…of course, we’ve been thinking that all along and it’s been weeks.

6

I think your husband was wrong to make that deal. He should have either declined to give her a ride due to the inconvenience, or agreed to it without expecting anything in exchange. Your daughter shouldn’t have agreed to it if she wasn’t planning on following through, but I don’t blame her feeling sore about it.

But I wouldn’t feel bad for talking to him, Dung Beetle. Yeah, it turned into a fight, but at least you planted a seed in his mind about how his interactions with his kids sometimes make your kids feel.

7

Good luck, Dung.
As rough as things get around casa-Dinsdale, I can’t imagine how much more stress would be involved if we had a blended family.
I can tell you one thing from experience - drinking heavily probably isn’t the best longterm solution! :wink:

8

Be sympathetic about it being a bad deal, assure her you’ll watch, in future, for unfairness cropping up, (point taken), but a deal is a deal. Help her do the windows. Handled with graciousness he might just feel to help with the windows, when the time comes.

9

I’m following the story of your travails as well, Din. I just haven’t known what to say, other than “good luck”.

Thanks for allowing me to vent, y’all.

10

Man, asking a kid to wash all the windows in the house in return for a ride to school is a bit draconian. She agreed to it under pressure; what option did she have?

I’m glad you’re helping her with the chore. Time will heal the other wounds.

Best of luck in the Brady house.

11

She had the option to ride the bus, which apparently is what she normally does. The kid in question asked for a favor because she had extra items she wished to carry . (Note: according to the OP the extra items were christmas gifts for friends, and not a school project or anythign else related to her actual school work).
Step-dad choose to offer a barter (ride for window cleaning) and the kid accepted the deal.

In my opinion, the trade was harsh, and slanted way to the benefit of the stepdad (possibly because step-dad didn’t want to run a kid to school that particular morning for whatever reason), but the important thing is the kid accepted it. Once she had the ride she wanted it was unacceptable for her to go whining to mom about the deal she voluntarily made.

Whether or not step-dad’s treatment of all four kids is equal is a separate issue, and it needs to be dealt with (when heads are cool, not as part of another arguement or whatever). Whether dad’s kids are permenent fixtures in your household or not, it’s time for husband and wife to make some house rules so that everyone in the house (temporary or permenent) knows what is acceptable and fair, and the difference between need and want.

12

One thing that really strikes me is the different rules for different 16 year olds thing. There is no way that this is fair, different raising or not. In your house, these are your rules, regardless of who your biological parents are, and your husband should know that. The other kids get pissy if they don’t get their way? What on earth is stopping your daughter from learning that if you get pissy, you get your way?

Dung Beetle, I think you and your husband need an expert’s advice here. It sounds like you are trying to accommodate everybody and you don’t want anyone to get hurt, but there are some very wrong things going on here, from what you’ve posted in this thread and previous ones. At the very least, you and your husband need to get on the same page about raising ALL the kids. This isn’t something that’s going to get better - as the kids get older, his kids will need college paid for, while yours will be expected to go get jobs, etc.

13

Have her wash the windows. If she thinks she is getting a raw deal, she will do a shitty job.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.

14

I think this is a big problem. Like featherlou said, the rules should be consistent for all the kids in your household, regardless of the blood relationship.
If I was your daughter, I would probably be extremely resentful over being treated as inferior to his biological daughters.

15

Were you a part of the conversation that led up to the original deal? If you were, you should have spoken up then - it’s too late to back down now.

I’m assuming you were not present when your husband blackmailed your daughter into the window deal - and, really, that’s what he did. And what he did isn’t fair whether the blackmail-ee is 6, 16, or 36. I’m perfectly ok with “my house, my rules” but those rules need to be applied fairly across a FAMILY. It is fair to extract a promise to do this in exchange for that from everyone. Other than certain circumstances stemming from past disgressions it is NOT FAIR to single out a family member for special, negative treatment.

I think that in most cases the grownups can sit down and map stuff out on their own but they might often need assistance. There’s lots self-help stuff out there that deals with accommodating blended families and counseling is always an option. I don’t think the counseling is worth it right now. Your daughter is learning - unfairly, but still learning - that sometimes you have to “deal with the devil” (no disrespect to your husband intended; I just can’t think of a better phrase right now) - to weigh the pros and cons before agreeing to the terms of the contract. That’s a long way of saying “You made your bed, kid, now lie in it”.

While I believe your daughter SHOULD wash the windows simply because she gambled and lost, I also firmly believe that you and your husband need to sit down and define family. Parents give rides and under-age children without cars and licenses depend on parents for wheels. If your kid is in your house she’s family; if your husband doesn’t accept that you’re going to have to make him come around one way or another or you’ll regret it in the end.

16

I would have to say that the root of the problem is not the window washing itself, although it does seem a bit much for a ride to school, but Dad’s uneven treatment of his children. And they are all his children, whether by marriage or biology. Either they all have to “wash the windows” in return for favors, or none of them do. And how much hubby does for “your” kids is not germane as long as he does more for “his” kids. This issue is going to make it very difficult for your children to ever accept his authority.

FWIW, your daughter should wash the windows. Explain to her that the “It’s not faaaaiiiirrrr” defense can only be made before the deal is struck. Either the ride was worth the cost or it wasn’t. If it wasn’t, she should have walked away from it. Help her to see this as a lesson in negotiating techniques. It may help her buy a used car some day.

17

I’m going against the grain a bit here, and standing up for DBs husband (hereafter, DBH), just a little. I am not going to comment much on the original deal, except to say that we don’t know about the usual interplay of chores and favours in the household, or the impact of the trip to school on DBH’s day. I drive some hard bargains with my kids at times, it happens.

However, if my stepchildren (and I have two, grown up now) were in the situation that DBH’s kids are in (16, a seriously ill parent, living in a different house, and isolated from friends and normal routine), they would be getting a fair bit of slack and a lot of assistance to feel as normal as possible in the situation. If they were just moving in to live, it would be different, but they have enough stress already, and I get the feeling that DBH may just be trying to keep them on an even keel.

DB’s daughter maybe needs to understand that this may not be about favouritism, but is about DBH helping his kids through a really difficult time. And that is not to acknowledge that it is easy for her, but her life has not been turned upside-down quite as seriously as her step-sibs.

Si

18

It is a big problem with the kids having different rules. However, his kids and mine are worlds apart in terms of maturity, worldliness, responsibility, experience, etc. This is a temporary living arrangement, and if we clamp down a bit more on the husband’s kids, they’re likely to just run away. As far as I can tell, they’ve been raised by wolves. Wolves or TV sets. (And I agree my husband shares the blame for that situation.)

As for the hard bargain, there’s backstory, of course. My daughter’s very lazy. She does well in school, but beyond that, if it takes effort, she’s not interested. So a few weeks previous to this, she was saying that she wished she had more money to spend for Christmas, and my husband offered to pay her for washing his car. The thought of all that physical labor outdoors gave Alex the vapors, and she turned him down. He was taken aback. So when the ride to school came up, he was jokingly offering a bargain he never thought she’d take, but she made no attempt to negotiate.

19

Just chiming in to recommend a book we read called Stepcoupling. We read it when we first married, and it would probably be good to go back and see what/how is actually applicable … but it’s main point (if I remember correctly!) is consistency in your own household and how to achieve that (and maintain your own marriage in the process).

Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family.

20

He’s basically sticking her with a really crappy deal because she was desperate enough to take it. That’s cool if you intend it to be a learning experience, but she’s going to be resentful about it, and that’s a justifiable response.

I’m an adult and if I get screwed over by a used car dealer, I can blame myself and know to be more careful in the future, but I’m still going to be pissed off seeing his mug on TV. Granted, sometimes you have to be the bad guy, but is this one of those times, or is it a time to be a good guy and offer a reasonable compromise if you think she’s learned her lesson?