I just tried to light my cigarette with my iPhone. I literally put the smoke in my mouth, reached into my shirt pocket, pulled out my iPhone, turned it on, held it up to the cigarette, and just had my thumb on the unlock bar apparently fully expecting flames to shoot from the headphone jack with a swipe before I realized what the hell I was doing.
In my defense, I’m playing an online game called iGangster, which I check frequently throughout the day, and as I was about to do that, I must have unthinkingly conflated that act with lighting my cigarette.
Come on. Let’s here more of your personal dumbass moments so I don’t feel like such a tool.
I hadn’t gone out to the movies in years, but I was watching a lot on DVD. One day I went to the movies, and missed a bit of dialog. I started feeling around for the remote so I could rewind.
I had quit biting my nails, but they were still pretty weak. One tore a bit, so I put some nail glue on it to see if I could hold it together for a little longer. DH came in, saw what I was doing, and for no reason that I could fathom, warned me, “Don’t lick it.”
I was driving a forklift one time with the forks too low. I hit a raised concrete doorway mantle with the forks. For those that don’t know, forklifts have no suspension of any kind. It’s like driving a solid chunk of metal. If you hit something solid, the only thing that gives is you. So when I hit this concrete mantle, the forklift stopped in zero distance. I would have flipped completely out of the forklift had it not been for my death grip on the steering wheel. There was only one witness but that was enough. This happened years ago but I still can’t climb into a forklift without someone making a comment.
I was in the computer lab when I was in college working on a project with a friend of mine and we were on computers next to each other. I wanted to show him something on the computer he was logged in to, so I took my mouse and proceeded to try to point it to a point on his screen.
Last time I made cupcakes, from a cake recipe, they came out flat on the top. When I asked someone they told me I wasn’t filling the cups full enough, don’t be afraid, fill them to the top.
Today I attempted chocolate cupcakes from a cake recipe that I know, from experience, makes very liquidy batter. Of course I filled them to the very top of the cups, wanting them to look rounded on the top, like at the bakery.
I’m pretty sure you can all see where this is going. They overflowed, terribly. Covering the stove bottom, burning and filling the house with noxious smoke. So far I’ve had to shut the smoke detector off twice, and that’s with all the windows and doors open, in the freezing cold November.
The cupcakes are a write off, not yet cooked. The kitchen is a disaster and the smell in the house is overpowering.
Did I mention I have people coming for dinner in a few hours?
A couple of years ago I was at a pizza parlor with some friends and their young children, and at one point one of the kids sort of hid behind a gumball machine. His mom, playing along, asked out loud “Where’s Joe? I don’t see him!”
Not having kids myself, I had a sudden case of dipshit syndrome: I pointed at the kid and said “he’s right over th… uh, nevermind.” I suddenly felt like I was the kid’s age all over again, the way the parents were laughing at me…
Reminds me of the time I went to pick up a pallet left by the previous shift and didn’t realise it had a piece of timber sticking out underneath… which pushed the pallet behind it through the warehouse wall.
Luckily, I was saved any comments by the driver on the previous shift managing to stick the forks through the engine block of a 3 week old Audi.
My best moment comes from a couple of years ago. I have just bought an external hard drive and hook it up to the home computer. Works fine. Then for some reason I restart the computer, and look at the hard disk: no lights on it, doesn’t mount. I turn it on and off, restart again: nothing. So I jump on the phone and call tech support. They ask me: “Is it plugged in?” I answer “Of course it’s plugged in! Wait a minute… Sorry about that.” I still accuse my two-year-old of having moved the power brick and disconnected the drive when I wasn’t looking. I had the power strip pulled out from the side of the desk so I could easily plug in the hard drive, and I hadn’t pushed it back in its hiding place yet.
If it makes you feel better, I have attempted to fast-forward through the commercials on live TV more than once since getting a DVR with a universal remote. For some reason it always seems to take me by surprise when nothing happens, too.
I’ve done that when I’ve hooked a second computer up to my monitor, usually to fix it or set it up. It’ll have its own mouse and keyboard, but I’ll invariably reach for my own. I bought a KVM so I don’t do that again.
My university has this intranet system where every class has its own website with all the readings and the syllabus on it. When you log in, there’s a dropdown box that has all the classes you’re in and all of the classes you’ve taken right there.
Anyway, I wanted to look at the readings for one of my classes and I clicked the dropdown box, and…it wasn’t there! I started panicking, thinking that my professor had kicked me out of the class or something, omg wtf what happened to my claaaaaasssssss!
Then I realized that I was already in that class’ site, which is why it wasn’t showing up in the dropdown. Durrrr.
Part of my job is to conduct online training. We use GoTo Meeting which is an app that lets attendees click a link and they can view what is on my screen. I frequently find myself pointing out various features of the software with my hands.
