Most painful deuce?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I don’t remember what caused it - wasn’t on any painkillers or the like - but one morning I had a belly full of something that Would. Not. Come. Out. I spent several hours feeling like I had to go but every time I went to the john I just couldn’t pass it. Finally I decided to hell with it and sat down to push this obstinate turd out once and for all.

I’m surprised I didn’t burst a major artery that day with the straining. When it finally passed I swear it felt like my taint had split from asshole to balls and the end product, when I looked, was a nasty bloody mass roughly the size and shape of half a brick, which I was damned certain had come out sideways. (I should also mention the fact that I heard a trickling sound immediately after I passed it; turned out I was bleeding quite freely from my anus. Took a couple days for it to heal up enough that I didn’t bleed after a BM.)

Never had anything like that again, and I should be very glad if that state of affairs continues.

22

Ah, nothing like the pleasant sensation of blowing out your o-ring with a restaurant-sized pepper mill turd.

23

“She’s my little deuce coupe,
You don’t know what I’ve got. . .”

24

The time: a tad after 2
The place: India. My apartment. The bathroom therein.

Now, let’s be clear- GI distress is generally assumed, if you spend a long time in India. It’s rarely ever bad, but what it is is consistent. For about a month, I had been alternately dealing with mild constipation and mild diarrhea, and after a few cycles I came to await the relief, questionable as it was, brought by the diarrhea.

This time, such relief was not to be had. I had been unable to push anything out for the last 3-4 days, and since I was eating a very small amount at the time, this was not unexpected.

Now perhaps a day before The Incident, I had managed to expedite a minor evacuation fro my my bowels. It was a good Hershey’s kiss or two, a lot to me at the time, but certainly less than one millismurf of excretion.

I’d found that sometimes when I was stopped up it was due to a weak air seal, in which case a bit of fumbling and probing in the spirit of the vaseline maneuver would often expedite things nicely. I tried said maneuver, utilizing India’s marvelously sandpaper-like toilet paper, and had no success. Shrugging, I went about my day.

This brings us back to The Incident. I felt a familiar rumbling in my bowels and made all haste to the lavatory, recognizing the signs and understanding that relief was nigh. Settling on the porcelain throne I found myself trying to read the battlefield, as it were, and predict how the engagement might go. The first meerkat began to peek out of its hole, and I thought to myself “This will be easy- I’ll have to push a bit to work it loose, but we should be done here in no time.”

So I pushed a bit, and the groundhog started inching out of its burrow.

It was at this time that I discovered a) my ham-handed fumbling with toilet paper had rubbed part of my sensitive bits raw, and b) when you’re eating extremely spicy food most days, shit rubbing against raw ass really hurts.

So two hours later I wiped up, this time with wet paper, and went about the business of finding something to do that didn’t involve sitting down for about two days. :smack:

25

Y’all are poets laureate of the porcelain throne. I am enjoying this immensely, not least because it’s not me there trying to lay cable.

So, can we expand this noble thread to include blushes things like 'roid rage, ifyouknowwhatImean?

The appearance of my very first 'roid led, predictably, to my first rectal exam. Several, in fact. Who knew that the boys in Deliverance weren’t lying when they referred to a certain barnyard animal?

Am I the only one who hears the first strains of dueling banjos? Is this topic OT? Please advise.

26

I want to relate…I really do. However my bowels are like clockwork. About 6:45 I release a few cups of poridge and nuggets that really clears the sinuses. Then its some eggs and sausage, some coffee, and I start my day.

27
  1. Munch on sunflower seeds all afternoon, shell and all. I guarantee they’ll cut you up on the way out.
  2. Follow it up with some really hot, spicy “I already know I’m going to pay for this later” food.
  3. You don’t really want to know.