Most painful deuce?

Felt like I was deucing a wire brush covered in acid while my ring was lit on fire then had lemon juice and jalapenos rubbed on it. Ouch!

I want to add that it seems that no matter how much wiping i do I am prone to skids. No white unders for me!

The time my card-playing buddy drew a 2 of clubs to fill in his full house, and I lost a $200 pot. Does that count?

How many times do we have to tell you: no more Brillo pad, sulfuric acid, and habanero sandwiches!

That’s caused by a stuck piece. Spend a few extra minutes on the throne so Slow Pokey has a chance to leave the gate.

The most painful one I ever had was when I had an upset stomach and Peptol gave me constipation. The deuce was pear-shaped and it felt like I was giving birth to the Anti-christ.

In the space of only four posts there have already been two classic descriptions. I look forward to what the future holds for this thread.

Just remember: a flush beats a pair of deuces.

About 10 years ago I had surgery. This involved a foley catheter. If you’ve never had one, there’s a whole universe of pain out there that you’ve never experienced. It’s like having sex with a porcupine. But it only hurts for a second, when it comes out.

When the nurse took it out, I swore I’d kill her and everyone in her family. I then explained that it’s quite possibly the worst pain ever. She argued with me, saying that childbirth is far worse. I mean, you pass a baby’s head through a small opening. That’s much worse, right?

Bitch didn’t know what she was talking about. What a wimp.

So anyway, over the next few days I was at home recovering, and popping percosets like there was no tomorrow. I got a call from my surgeon, asking how things were going. He told me that percosets can cause major constipation, and asked if I’d dropped any good deuces lately. Come to think of it, I hadn’t. Not for days. Weird, I didn’t even notice.

Maybe a week later I was back at work, and I felt like I’d swllowed an alien, and it was about to burst through my belly. I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and experienced a pain that could only be described as transcendent. I think I actually saw God. Blood was coming out of my tear ducts.

When I finally got up and looked in the toilet, there was actually a brown stinky baby in there. Actually, it looked like it had just turned three. And I didn’t even throw it a party!

OK, the nurse was right.

Just turned three? Sounds more like a terrible #2.

For me the worst are the ones where you feel that sharp pain and know that you’ve just broken a 'roid.

Post c-section. Here I am with a belly split open like a gutted bass, and you want me to push out a turd?! I’m sure the pain was mostly from the fear, but that was not a picnic, let me tell you.

After my son’s spinal fusion surgery, of course he was on lots of narcotics, which do constipate like no one’s business. Two weeks in the hospital, and I don’t think he moved his bowels at all (which isn’t all that unusual, and his bowel sounds were good and he passed gas right on schedule, so we weren’t worried about bowel integrity.) Once home, he tried for two days and just couldn’t do it, until I suggested through the bathroom door that he apply a little Vaseline with a fingertip. It worked, and he nearly cried with relief.

Got percos for a bleeding ovarian cyst. Was not informed that they would constipate me.

Three days later, I shat a softball. Had to use a Dulcolax suppository to get it out of me, and spent 30 minutes writhing and sweating on my bed waiting for it to kick in.

I was only in unmedicated labor for five hours before they had to do the C-section, but I would do that again ten times before I’d take that dump again. The pain of labor was nothing compared to the pain I was in that night. And I always insist upon stool softeners with my painkillers now.

I’ll nominate the deuce and a quarter we got hit by one of those back when cars were still mostly metal. Not a fond memory.

The first time I tried Atkins I shat what could best be described as a brown popcorn ball. It was the size of a baseball and hard as a rock. It wasn’t the worst discomfort I ever felt, but it was bad enough while it was crowning I was seriously considering breaking it up with my fingers. When it finally dropped, the splash was indescribable and I actually got an endorphin rush.

I had food poisoning a few weeks ago, and I had coincidentally been on a spicy food kick. It felt like twists of barbed wire were stuck in my colon, and when I had to void my bowels I did a very good impression of a cave of bats on fire being fired from a blunderbuss. Now rinse and repeat between 20 minutes to two hours for three days. Yea.

I once won a contest – the goal was to eat ten of this bar’s secret special hot chicken wings.

The things I’ve done for a free pitcher of beer…

I’ll second this. I had open heart surgery in Dec 08, and I act meals regularly after that. But I didn’t have a bowel movement for 5 days. When it finally decided to be born, it was huge and painful. I understand that it is now practicing law in San Francisco.

A few years back, while I was drunk off my ass, I told my wife to order my some hot wings from Wing Zone. She knows I like them spicy so she asked me what kind. I told her to get the hottest ones they had…

I started chowing on them (they were called Nuclear Wings) and, being drunk, they went down fairly easy, though I was only able to get 8 of 15 down because the pain was so intense.

Little did I know that when I shat those bad boys out the next day, NOT drunk, I wished I had been because it was the most painful deuce I’ve ever experienced. I was in tears on the can because I had a flamethrower for an ass. It hurt so bad I refuse to eat anything over “Hot” now.

Constipation. Nothing ever came as close.

So I kept getting these huge boils near my asshole.
Doctor discovers I have an anal fissure.
Surgery is arranged.
I get knocked out, and don’t feel too bad when I wake up.
about 3 hours later the water I drank in the recovery room was in my bladder waiting to get out.
No problem, go to the bathroom. Everything comes out fine. But you know at the very end of the stream where you flex your muscles to get that last drip out?
Jesus my ass felt like they had used enough retractors so the surgeon could put both hands in my ass and clap.
But that was nothing, nothing I tell you.
You see they had cut a V notch in the side of my asshole to find and remove the fissure. They don’t sew it up, as it has to heal from the bottom up.
Yeah right.
Two days later the first solid waste was ready to come out.
The burning sensation was unlike anything I had ever experienced.
At first I had to take a bath after every #2
All I can say is for the next 2-3 weeks, is thank OG for tucks.

Now I know why the Viet Cong put shit on punji sticks.

Holy shit, the pain in these posts.

Germany late 1988, in the Army.

Out in the field and for whatever reason, can’t bring myself to lean back on a tree and do my business.

5 days later after 5 days of MRE’s. (Meals Ready to block Excretion)

We end up near a real toilet.

I grab my book and head on in.

(Fast forward to 1995 and the birth of my daughter)

My wife tells me I don’t know what child birth feels like.

I tell her, yes I do. It happened in Germany in 1988 and I didn’t have a doctor who could gently snip the perineum(after an epidural) to help things along.

Thank you, good night, God Bless!