it’s rough, man.
Looked to me like the OP was still venting at his mom, not sniping at Locrian. Unfortunate juxtaposition.
Oh man, what a horrible thing to say to your own flesh and blood. There is clearly something wrong with her. Maybe this should be the last holiday together. You could still stop by, but no stressful situations where alcohol is involved*.
*Personal guidelines, hard won, due to toxic relationships…
(I’m sitting here peacefully watching football by myself, while my extended family is getting together four states away, having driven hours in a driving rain)
The good news is that you and your mom are talking. Even if it is ugly.
As long as there is communication, things can be smoother. I hope that comes out of it.
Holidays are difficult. But fortunately, they are not frequent.
Its amazing how people can just about abandon their own children to please a partner; either actual or emotional abandonment.
So many situations including holidays see perhaps content though not especially happy people enduring the enforced happiness of the occasion, with predictable results. Looking back, this can explain why holidays are usually the worst days on the calendar for many of us.
We reassess the concept of manditory happy day, and instead focus on what created a good day on a daily basis. Indeed this involves looking for something to be grateful for. And we don’t begrudge holidays to those people who’ve had good lives for whom holidays are happy ones. We just wish they’d stop assuming that those who’ve had bad lives are bad people.
(Of course, I’ll not make that any more difficult for them by shooting off my mouth. When the Macy’s parade was managed this year, I realized that an event featuring marching bands; something that evolved from a feature of ancient Middle-Eastern warfare, was threatened by the current version of Middle-Eastern warfare. No, keep shut. Compliment the lady across the table on her pearls, and don’t point out that they’re simulated eggs indicating her fertility)
Claude Remains, I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said so I’ll just send hugs.
(I can’t resist saying you don’t deserve any of this.)
nm
I bet it was lovely! My favorite Thanksgiving dinner was at a Chinese buffet while everybody else was two hours north.
However, Claude, if you are 52 and still think this ruined you, perhaps you should find someone to talk to. Not that you’re not talking here; I just have given up on saying it to my wife and thought you might listen. :o
Yeah, that is not always true. My life improved about a million percent when I finally cut off communication with my toxic bitch of a mother. Now that she is gone, I finally have peace.
Claud, this all is beyond what someone should have to deal with. I’m sorry that your mother can’t get past her own issues and instead, allows them to be visited on you. I hope you find a way back to some peace and strength to fight against the toxicity that’s been in your life. When I pray tonight, I’ll think of you too.
Yike!
And
I don’t know whether your mom was always an asshole, or whether that was her reaction be being abused, but this is not a healthy relationship, and at age 50, you don’t owe her anything.
Best wishes. I hope you have a lovely winter holiday with friends who don’t insult you.
You choose who you marry, if you marry, you choose who you work for, you choose who to be friends with.
You don’t choose the people who end up in your family. At least not initially. But maybe you should choose which family members don’t belong in your personal life anymore.
Sometimes they’re physically or emotionally abusive, sometimes they’re passive-aggressive, loud, threatening, bullying, manipulative, untrustworthy, thieves, adulterers, sociopaths, psychopaths, or just plain dislike you, and vice-versa.
Toxic people don’t belong in your life, whether they’re a parent, grandparent, sibling, or son or daughter.
A toxic family member is not someone you simply have to tolerate forever. I don’t buy into that happy horsecrap that says family is so special. If it is, then they shouldn’t be mistreating you that way, because you’re their family, and if family is something that magically binds people together lovingly, then what the fuck are *they *doing?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying cut someone out of your life in a flash of anger. There needs to be something that crosses an uncivil line, such as definite abuse, or adultery, or there needs to be a pattern of behavior which is unlikely to ever change. Once you’ve established that, it’s time to stop allowing your family to hurt you.
Being a family member is not a free pass to deliberately inflict suffering upon you.
So many people are victimized by their family members. Flush that idea that there’s something holy or special about family.
Family is special when people treat each other well. But to me, that’s as special as close friendship or a close relationship.
Take note of the news, it’s full of stories of fathers murdering their families, mothers abusing their families, creeps ripping off their family members, violence, adultery, rape, incest, abuse. This is not the majority, or mankind wouldn’t have gotten this far. But the fact is, “family” is not a barrier that protects you from someone being a total shithead to you. If they are that kind of person, your familial bond means nothing to them.
So, that “familial” bond needs to be treated with the same amount of respect by you as is given by that family member.
A lot of holidays traditionally involve family gatherings. These are wonderful things when you have a healthy and loving family.
If you don’t, you are not required to attend. Spend the day taking care of yourself.
Don’t allow toxic people to take advantage of what SHOULD be a wonderful thing, to inflict harm on you.
Don’t be afraid of cutting them off, don’t be afraid of going it “alone”. That is much better for you than being constantly harassed by someone who is taking advantage of the bonds of family in a way that a stranger off the street would not be able to get away with. Total scumbags hurt their families because it’s easy for them to do so, they’re also a jerk to total strangers but some of those people are harder for them to take advantage of, and they won’t put up with their brand of bullshit.
It is better to cut off toxic family members, not be in a toxic relationship, and cut off every friend and acquaintance who mistreats you, than to include those people in your life.
Is it lonely? Yes.
But it is even lonelier to have these people in your life. You can heal some of those old scars and have a chance at happiness if you remove all the parasites from your flesh. I’m not saying it’s a cure-all, but it is sometimes a necessary first step.
After that, focus on being your *own *best friend. Treat yourself right, and be healthy, don’t allow depression to bring you down. Let go of that weight pressing down on your chest, focus on making sure you are getting everything you need, like sleep and exercise and the right nutrition, and try very hard to have an appropriate amount of fun every single day, even if you have to make the time for it.
Life cannot be about grief and suffering. But often times, people allow such things to take over their life.
Fight back.
Banish those who make you suffer. Banish the grief from your mind. Only then can you find peace.
I might only be 32, but I know about all these things. I’ve had family problems, and battled depression. I have my scars. I no longer allow them to defeat me.
You can have your life back too, but you have to be assertive, and take it back.
Family can be special. I relish the time at the holidays with my clan. But no one treats me the way the OP was treated. That’s something to avoid.
There’s not much I can say to help, but I read your post and am thinking about you and hoping you find strength
My mother was a battered wife as well. She was unable to protect us from my father as well, so I can relate. It sucks.
My daughter is getting the same age as I was in some of my earlier memories of the abuse, such as getting beaten up for accidentally giving my father the wrong size spoon for breakfast. I was seven, just as my daughter is now. Most people can’t really relate.
Most of us kids don’t talk to each other, surviving seemed a zero sum game at times.
Fortunately my mother is getting a little stronger these days, but for many years she couldn’t handle talking about it. However, I don’t think she can really deal with the knowledge that she failed to protect her children, and has to try to live with seeing the lasting damage in our lives.
Your mother sounds like an asshole. Cut contact, not worth the effort.
I see family when and if I want to see them(I’m a flexible and reasonable person, though), not during holidays. The people I do not want to see have no say in any part of my schedule.
My mother keeps reminding me that these people exist, even when I’ve repeatedly told her I don’t care wether this or that. I think she keeps it up as some kind of comfortable, familiar core, even though a few of that circle of people have tried to murder people in their sleep, one have regular psychotic periods, many are long term mixed-substance abusers and one of them is the worst parent in the world.
Some people are lost and nothing can ever change that. If my aunt dissappears tomorrow, I’ll think none of it and continue with my life like nothing happened, because she’s a terrible human being and dangerous to be around.
Claude, your mother is absolutely wrong. It is not your fault and though you don’t seem to carry and guilt for “what you did” you should dismiss any twinge you do feel.
Well, not really. A partner has a lot to offer you now; a child generally has little practical value. What’s more amazing is that we are wired so that most people *don’t *do that.
Unless you are Woody Allen.
The only thing I miss on Thanksgiving is my sweet, funny mom, whose has been gone 16 years now. By choice, I spend the holidays alone. I would rather not deal with all the noise, expectation and alcohol-fueled familial drama. After years of avoiding it, I spent Thanksgiving last year with my family. After consuming way too much wine, my cousin’s son-in-law deliberately twisted his young daughter’s arm to make her cry, just because he could. There wasn’t anything I could do but I made sure he knew I saw it and stongly disapproved. (I think I might have used the phrase, “you’re a fucking asshole.”) He had the sense to look embarassed.
I’ll never go again.
Claude, I’m sorry you are going through this. As others have said, he can’t hurt you anymore. Please don’t let his assholeness define you.