That’s all we asked for, and that’s all we got.
Spider-man: Nerdy kid gets super powers.
X-Men: Mutant freaks save the world.
Roger and Me: The Moore and the Profits
Bowling for Columbine: Gospel according to Moore
Fahrenheit 9/11: Revelation of Moore the Divine
That’s the most concise and accurate review I’ve ever read of that documentary.
INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE: Gay immortals whine about stuff.
DEEP IMPACT: Extraterrestrial rock threatens civilization. Explosions.
ARMAGEDDON: See ‘Deep Impact’. Add Affleck.
GOOD WILL HUNTING: Mork counsels brilliant cute delinquent.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Dakota Fanning Screams, Tom runs.
CITIZEN KANE: Get this man a sled!
DIARY OF ANNE FRANK: Kitty- must run, someone’s knocking.
THE COLOR PURPLE: Oprah’s fat; men are pigs.
TRAFFIC: Coke from Mexico to California.
CATWOMAN: Halle’s hot… otherwise skip it.
BATMAN BEGINS: Chiroptophobic billionaire seeks vengeance, meaning.
Crying Game: My girlfriend has a penis
The Usual Suspects: He’s a con man, duh!
Also a rejected title for Anne Heche’s autobiography. (Oh wait, that’s My New Girlfriend Has a Penis, which is six words- my bad.)
Phantom of The Opera: Ugly man propositions girl; rejected.
The Hulk: Angry man turns green.
Raiders of the Lost Ark: Holy box found. Bad Nazis!
Temple of Doom: Holy Stones found. Bad mystics!
Last Crusade: Holy Grail found. Bad Nazis!
Battle Royale: Youth = bad; Give them guns!
Battle Royale 2: Youth = bad; Give others guns!
House of Flying Daggers: Who’s good, who’s bad? Uhm.
Hero: Like Roshomon, but with fighting.
Ack. Rashomon. It’s not my day.
BLAZING SADDLES: Dumb whities tell nigger jokes.
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: Violin doctor gets monster schlong.
SPACEBALLS: Dark Helmet. Schwartz. Yogurt. Classic.
JAWS: Shark eats people and explodes.
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: Misunderstood Goth kid cuts hedges.
E.T. THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL: Boy befriends alien. FBI investigates.
The Sixth Sense - Bruce doesn’t know he’s dead
Freaks: Carnies dress down a golddigger.
Plan 9 From Outer Space: Aliens revive corpses… and Lugosi.
Bedazzled [original]: Hash-slinger saves sold soul.
The Planet of the Apes [original]: Dirty apes, unhand Charlton Heston!
Woodstock: Every Boomer was there, man.
The Wicker Man: Pious policeman pays pagans’ piper.
Chinatown: She’s her sis and daughter.
Jaws: Shark claims another “Indianapolis” survivor.
Saturday Night Fever: The judging hustled the competition.
Rocky: Lost fight, won Adrian, yo!
Airplane!: Sling gags; see what sticks.
Dead Ringers: Sleazy twin gynecologists’ death spiral.
Withnail & I: Two drunks enter a bar…
Repo Man: So-Cal punks find hot Eldorado.
Ed Wood: Oddballs stick together, making turkeys.
Mrs. Parker and Her Vicious Circle: Algonquin wits live bittersweet lives.
Impromptu: Pen is mightier than “sword”?
Cleopatra: How to bankrupt a studio.
Cleopatra [the porn flick]: Caligula would have wept.
American Gigolo: Gere goes full-frontal.
Basic Instinct: Brazen hussy flashes pussy.
Independence Day: Apple laptop saves the planet.
Rushmore: Senior-high bizarre love triangle.
Being John Malkovich: Kaufman scripts strange trip.
Miracle: Team USA beats Soviets… again!
PRETTY WOMAN: Streetwalker wins billionaire. Yeah… right.
STEEL MAGNOLIAS: Beauty shop sees seasonal melodrama.
ERIN BROCKOVICH: Lawyers get ridiculous percentages. Yea!
HARVEY: Charming schizophrenic embarasses sister.
BIRDCAGE: Aging gay couple played safely.
SIMON BIRCH: Prayer for Owen Meany, condensed.
WILDE: Frye great, Jude’s bare butt!
ELIZABETHTOWN: Orlando without a sword. Meh.
CITY SLICKERS 2: Curly’s twin? Quit while ahead.
GODFATHER 2: Vito. Michael. 1920s. 1950s. Excellent.
STAR WARS- THE PHANTOM MENACE: Midichlorians? Bitch, is you trippin’?
STAR WARS- ATTACK OF THE CLONES: Mediocre, but Yoda kicks ass!
STAR WARS- REVENGE OF THE SITH: Plotline, Christensen’s acting, dialogue- Noooooooooooo!
King Kong (1976): Monkey die, everybody cry.
LOST IN TRANSLATION: Self pitying rich Americans philander (or, “Destroyer of Godfather attacks Tokyo”).
KILL BILL: Lucy, Uma, Vivica, Sonny… Fight!
KILL BILL 2: Carradine rocks one last time.
AMADEUS: Genius drives mediocrity murderously mad (or “Abraham sounds like Ray Walston”).
DUKES OF HAZZARD: Burt must still need money.
Dungeons and Dragons: Slept through better game sessions.
Wing Commander: Snuck in. Want money back.
Matrix: Surfer dude knows kung fu.
Dangerous Liasons: Surfer dude out of place.
Soldier: Sgt. Todd kills them all.
Yojimbo: Ronin kills them all.
Throne of Blood: Samurai MacBeth kills some, dies.
Seven Samurai: Village hires ronin, big battle.
Magnificent Seven: Yul Brynner cool, Mifune cooler.
Cool Runnings: Bobsledding Jamaican named Yul Brenner.
Running Man: Ran for governor of California.
Serenity: Not very serene, actually.
Pi: Mathematics, Kaballah, fortellings - the hell?
Primer: Needlessly complex time travel tale.
The Boondock Saints: Irish brothers kill Italian gangsters
Serenity: River kicks Reaver ass; Wash-
(anyone who has seen the film should get that one; if you haven’t, don’t ask)
Dr. Strangelove: Whoops.
The Professional: Hit Man Adopts Girl.
Forrest Gump: Lucky Idiot Makes It Big.
Cassablanca: Most notable anticlimax ever.
Dungeons and Dragons: Jeremy Irons Chews Scenery.
Matrix: Revolution: Way too much special effects
Sixth Sense: Young boy sees dead people
Doom: Resident Evil in space
Kill Bill: Yellow-haired warrior kills all
Airplane 2: Too funny. Must stop laughing
Terminator 3: Terminator 2 with better graphics
War of the Worlds: Stupid aliens invade without protection
Signs: Crop circles are aliens’ airport