Movie Review Thread (Possible spoilers)

Cafe Society
41

Can’t Stop the Music
Directed by the old lady from the paper towel commercials
Starring Village People (apparrently it’s no THE Village People)

Incredibly bad, must be seen to be believed. Steve Gutenburg, before his carrer reached the heights of the Police Academy series, plays Jack Morell, a really bad disco DJ who dreams of releasing his own music. He and Valerie Perrine gather together a group of people from the Village to perform some songs. Valerie Perrine is a model who gets the guys some work in advertising (they do an ad for milk). Mayhem ensues.
Beyond the sheer incompetence displayed by this movie, it manages to be actively offensive- it appears to have been edited to remove any overt refferences to homosexuality, leaving in many coy jokes such as the construction worker pulling a red hankie out of his back pocket when Valerie Perrine sneezes. The Village People sing a song called “Liberation”, which avoids mentioning liberation of what in the lyrics.
See this movie to marvel at the terrible script, bad music and watch the boom mic drop into frame. Also see it to remind yourself how bad we used to have it as a country that the frikkin’ Village People had to pretend to be straight.

42

**Night of the Hunter**
starring Robert Mitchum, Shelly Winters
Michum plays Rev. Harry Powell, a “preacher” who has his own idea of right and wrong. He gets arrested for driving a stolen car, and sent to jail. Powell has LOVE and HATE tattooed on his fingers, so whenever you see that in movies and TV, know it originated here. (watch someone tell me that’s wrong…). From that we cut to to kids playing at home (John and Pearl Harper) when their father Mr. Harper pulls up(Peter Graves!!!), bleeding and on the run. He’s just robbed a bank and hides the money, swearing the kids to secrecy. The father is sick of watching his kids starve, but he is then arrested and put in the same cell as Powell. The father is executed for the two people he murdered in the robbery. Powell gets out and starts making the moves on Mrs Harper(Shelley Winters, who was a looker in her younger years, i knew her more as Roseanne’s Gramma), as a ruse so he can find out where the money is hidden. Powell passes himself as a prison chaplin, and the locals convince Mrs Harper to marry him. Powell finds out the kids know where the money is and acts nice at first, but John sees him for what he is, so Powell gets mean.
SPOILERS Mrs Powell soon becomes a casulty, and John and Pearl are left alone with a psycho killer. The kids run off down the river in their father’s fishing boat, with Powell hot on their trail. The children stumble across Rachel Cooper, a woman who has adopted several abandoned children, and who can also see through Powell’s stories.
This movie is considered a suspense classic and with good reason, some of the moments are creepy. 8/10

**Moulin Rouge**
Starring José Ferrer, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Peter Cushing
No, it’s not that Moulin Rouge, this one was made in 1952! Moulin Rouge is a biopic for Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (Ferrer), though fictionalized. Forget “Roxanne” and “Like a virgin”, there are no modern pop songs here. The action is based on Lautrec’s drawings of life in the Moulin Rouge. Besides the cinematography being very accurately copied from Lautrec’s works, nothing else exciting happens. I was less than impressd with this movie. 4/10

Moulin Rouge!
Starring Ewan McGregor, Nicole Kidman, Jim Broadbent
This review will be somewhat biased because this is one of my favorite movies. Robbed of the Acadamy Award for Best Picture, one of the greatest movies of all time is a visual and audio delight. Innovative and Spectacular (spectacular), this love story uses songs from all genres and intertwines them into the story. McGregor and Kidman use their own singing voices, a novelty nowadays. McGregor is a young writer swept up in the Bohemian Revolution, and gets a job writing a play for Toulouse-Lautrec (John Leguzamo) and his group of revolutionaries. They need funding, so they go to the Moulin Rouge to talk to Satine (Kidman), the Sparkling Diamond, into convincing the owner Harold Zigler (Broadbent) to back he play. Zigler has also brought a Duke to the nightclub, for Satine to seduce and back the play Lautrec was writing. Satine mistakes McGregor for the Duke and hijinks ensue. Actually, love ensues, as Satine falls for McGregor, but cannot let the Duke know, who’s financial backing is dependant on him sleeping with Satine. Will Love triumph? See this movie!!! 10/10

43

**I Love Maria** aka Tie jia wu di Ma Li A
Starring Dennis Chan, Tony Leung, Sally Yeh
So i put the DVD in my PS2 to play it, and hit menu, when suddenly the movie starts in chapter 2 with no subtitles! Gah!! Oh, here we go…
In the not to distant future, Zhuang is a reporter, he stumbles across the HK police doing battle with a giant robot, Pioneer I. Pioneer I rips out a bank vault and brushes away the cops like flies. Pioneer I is an agent of the Hero gang, which has just declared war on the city. Zhuang would have pictures, but he keeps dropping his camera (WARNING: He will do this all movie!!). The Hero gang is full of bad dudes, led by Big Brother and his woman Maria. Big Brother has a serious machine fetish, and reminds Maria she is imperfect because she is human. Big Brother has build a new robot, and will give it Maria’s face. This robot, Pioneer II, looks similar to the robot from Metropolis. Zhuang meets up with Crazy Scientist, aka Curly, who works in the police lab and has designed a weapon to stop the robots, but cannot build it because the head lab tech is burying the project to keep his job. Curly meets Whisky in a bar, getting into a barfight to save him from some barjerks. Curly takes Whisky home, and Whisky wakes up from his alcohol coma, finds out Curly is a cop, and runs. Whisky is a former member of the Hero gang, only alive because he grew up with Maria and trained under the gang second in command. Whisky and Curly are marked for death, and the Maria robot is sent to kill them. This leads to the classic line by Whisky: “There is NO way you can trust her, her missile is GIGANTIC!!” By complete luck, Maria gets damaged in the fight. Curly reprograms her, and sets her up to do whatever you say, if you add “I love Curly” as a codephrase. So Curly, Whisky, Maria robot, and Zhuang must team up to take out the Hero gang, their robots, the real Maria, and save Whisky’s master.
Real slick Hong Kong Sci-Fi flick, complete with giant robots fighting people and destroying cities (so you know i gotta love it). I recommend it. 7/10

44

Christmas Evil

This film is a bit of a catch-22. Viewers will enjoy it more if they don’t know what happens, but you aren’t likely to want to see it if you don’t know some of the crazy shit that goes down, I knew several of the oddities going in, including the off the wall ending. This is a killer Santa movie, the best of a sorry lot- way better than Silent Night, Deadly Night. See it now, by the end of this write up you’ll want to see it anyway and the less you know about it the more you’ll enjoy it.
I’m going to do a more complete review than usual, because this flick was so odd I just wanna describe what happened. I had to watch it again after seeing it, the second time I took notes.
SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Christmas Eve 1947, in the Stadling household. The two children, Harry and Phil, watch in wonder as Santa comes down the chimney, eats milk and cookies (if only that was all Santa had eaten that fateful night…) and goes back up the chimney. Phil claims it was really daddy, not Santa. Harry believes in Santa, and goes back downstairs to find dad. Instead he finds Santa goin’ down on mom! Harry freaks out, goes upstairs and throws a snow globe on the ground and cuts his hand on a piece of it.
Present day (when the movie was made, 1980), Harry sleeps in a Santa suit and spies on local children to see who’s being naughty or nice- the little boy named Moss Garcia (who is frikkin’ hilarious) is looking at Penthouse magazine. Harry actually has books titled Good Boys and Girls 1980 and Bad Boys and Girls 1980, he writes the names of the kids in the books (apparently Moss picks his nose, as well as having “impure thoughts”). When Harry asks the kids what they wished for(?) (in a psychotically loud voice), Moss says “a lifetime subscription to Penthouse magazine!” Harry says he wished to be “super magic”.
Harry works at a toy factory called Jolly Dream. A jerk co-worker named Frank makes Harry work a double shift to cover him. Harry complains that the toys they make are flimsy, when he hears the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” Harry cuts his hand on the toy he was making- a stigmata like reappearance of his childhood injury. On his way home from work, Harry sees Frank at a bar, rather than at home like he said. Harry also spies on his brother having sex with the wife, and flashes back to Santa and mom.
Harry is obsessed with finding his “tune”, he hums Christmas music badly.
Thanksgiving passes, Harry is painting a sled on the side of his van. Harry goes outside of Ross Garcia’s house and puts mud on his face and hands. He leaves a weird face-and-hand-print on the side of the house, then hides in the bushes. When Ross and his mom are leaving Harry scares Ross, mom doesn’t see Harry and smacks the shit out of the kid when he complains about the “boogey man”.
Christmas Eve, office party. Jolly Dream makes a corporate donation to Willowy Springs children’s hospital. Harry talks about the “tune” to a co-worker- “I’ll be honest, Harry. I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” Harry talks to another guy and finds out the “donation” is a scam to get the workers to donate in the company’s name. Harry jacks some toys from the factory, meanwhile at the party a disco version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” is playing until a drunk guy trips over the record player. Harry also fills some bags with dirt.
Harry goes home and put on his Santa suit (he looks like Amish Santa before he glues the moustache on. He then goes out and delivers presents, he leaves a sack of dirt outside the Garcia household, labeled as a present for Moss. Harry then goes to the Willowy Springs children’s hospital and delivers a lot of toys (at this point, he seems to “find his tune”, the music is in tune and he seems jolly).
Next, Harry stops at a church Christmas Eve service where several people have been having trouble staying awake. When a group of men start hassling him, Harry stabs one of them in the eye with a tin soldier (has to be seen to be believed) and kills another two with a toy tomahawk!
When Santa attacks (new Fox show), people are so dumbfounded they don’t react immediately. When Harry drives away, his 8-track player starts screwing up Christmas music- he’s lost “the tune”.
Harry spies on a Christmas party, and is invited in. He dances and gives presents to the children. He tells the kids if they are good he will bring them presents “…but if you’re bad boys and girls, your name goes in the Bad Boys and Girls book, and I’ll bring you something horrible” Some of the parents aren’t too amused by this, but Harry just leaves.
At Frank’s house, Harry takes a ladder to climb on the roof. He can’t get down the chimney, and when he finally manages to push himself out, he falls ass-over-teakettle in one of the most amusing images of the film. He climbs back down and climbs in a window. Harry leaves presents for Frank’s children, who see him. He then goes in Frank’s bedroom and smothers him with a bag of toys. When Frank’s wife starts to wake up, Harry takes the star from the top of the conveniently placed Christmas tree by the bed and slashes Frank’s throat with it. Harry throws the body over to Frank’s wife, and when she sees him throws the star on the ground and runs Keystone Kops style out the house.
Christmas day, Harry wakes up in the back of his van and the police have issued warnings to avoid anyone dressed as Santa. Harry’s brother has magical disappearing pit-stains in one of the oddest continuity gaffes I’ve ever seen.
The police have a line-up of Santas, one of the cops talks about how all Santa mythology came from New York,

Harry calls his brother, “I finally found the right notes, I can play the tune- the tune that everybody dances to.”
Harry is agitated and drives his van into a snow drift, he walks up a street lit with electric reindeer and snowmen in a pretty cool image.
Some kids see him, “Santa, your suit’s dirty” “There’s a lot of pollution between here and the north pole.”
Some parents see him and panic, one dad pulls a switchblade. “They want someone to notice who’s good or bad, someone to take responsibility so they don’t have to,” says Harry. Switchblade guy’s daughter gives the knife to “Santa”, and Harry runs. The parents light torches and knock on doors to alert the neighborhood- “He’s not getting out of this neighborhood.” Santa being chased by a torch waving mob is a truly bizarre image.
Harry gets the van and heads for his brother’s house, he tells bro. “I gave people what they said they wanted, but they don’t want me.” Bro. strangles Harry and drags him out to the van. He puts him in the front seat. When Harry comes to he punches bro. and drives off. When he swerves to avoid the torch bearing mob, he drives off a bridge. In the freakiest ending I’ve ever seen, the van flies off while a narrator reads the ending of The Night Before Christmas!
End spoilers if you’re still with me.

Damn, was that a wacky movie. I’d give it a 4 for artistic achievement, an 8 for entertainment, and an off the frickin’ scale for weirdness. Not many killings, for a slasher flick, not even well written, but very odd- it’s hard to tell if it was meant to be as funny as it is because it is played so straight.

45

Mystery Train
Directed by Jim Jarmusch, starring Youki Kudoh, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Nicoletta Braschi and Joe Strummer

The slums of Memphis serve to show how a disparate selection of foreighners view America.
Jun and Mitsuko are a couple of Japanes teenagers in love with each other and with rock and roll (yes, divemaster, this movie has a naked Asian chick). They are taking a rock and roll tour of the US, planning to visit Sun Studios and Graceland in Memphis.
Louisa is an Italian woman stranded in Memphis waiting for a flight. She is taken advantage of by various Americans, the only one who treats her with any respect is… I can’t tell you, it’s one of the coolest thing in the movie.
Johnny is an English hoodlum who has been living in Memphis, he has co-opted a rockabilly look (although he is less successful at looking cool than Jun was) but now claims to hate Elvis. He lost his job and his girlfriend on the same day, and is now drunk and waving a gun around.
Very cool movie, really funny and sweet. Some performances of note: Youki Kudoh, as Mitsiki is very cute and charming. Masatoshi Nagase, as Jun is incredibly cool- he actually looks much cooler than Joe Strummer in rockabilly style. Nicoletta Braschi, as Louisa plays an incredibly wide-eyed naivete without seeming stupid. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins actually plays his role low key, and Cinqué Lee is perfect as Screamin’ Jay’s sidekick trying to be as cool as the old man.
Highly recommended if you can deal with low key comedy.

46

http://us.imdb.com/Title?0051834”]Giants and Toys
Director Yasuzo Masumura

Corporate intrigue between the Giant, World, and Apollo caramel companies. Nishi is an ad exec for World, his best friend from college works in the advertising division of Giant, and his girlfriend works in the advertising division of Apollo. Nishi’s boss, Godo is married into the family that runs the company, and it is obviously not a happy marriage, Godo disrespects his wife and has worked himself into a bleeding ulcer. When Godo and Nishi discover a cute hillbilly girl with rotted out teeth on the streets, Godo thinks she would make a good model and convinces her that Nishi is in love with her. While the rival companies create competing campaigns the young workers attempt to find a middle ground between loyalty to the company and loyalty to your friends. Eventually things turn very bad, and this may be the only movie in history where a guy walking around in a spacesuit with a bubble helmet, shooting a toy gun is a downer ending.
The movie features a very weird musical number where Kyoko the hillbilly girl (after getting her teeth fixed) sings a jazzy little number about death, destruction and cannibalism.
It is amazing that this film was made in 1958, it is light years beyond any other movie from the 50’s I’ve ever seen- this is more of a precursor of the “nouvelle vague” than any French movies of the time were. The use of Nishi’s lighter to trigger montages is a really interesting idea visually, and I’ve never seen anything like that before.
I give it a 10, and now I definitely need to see more of Masumura’s films- the only other one I’ve seen is Blind Beast which is a horror/sexploitation flick in the style of The Collector.

47

*Road to Hong Kong**
Starring Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and…Joan Collins??? WTF??? Where the heck is Dorothy Lamour??? Supporting cast??? Who the @#% downgraded her role!!! GRrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

For the Seventh Road movie, our boys (Hope and Crosby) have gone back to Black and White, and Joan Collins is now the girl they chase after (this is sadly a sign of the quality of the flick to come). Our boys start the film in space, and Joan Collins tells a flashback story of why Hope and Crosby have been sent into space by the Mysterious 3rd Echelon. Hope and Crosby are Chester Babcock and Harry Turner, two vaudville preformers (of course) are doing their latest con, where Turner tricks Babcock into piloting a flying machine, which ends predictably in Hope being comically injured. Unfortunately, Babcock gets amnesia. Collins is an agent for the 3rd Echelon and is helping retreive Soviet Rocket fuel information, and mistakes Hope for her contact, giving him the plans. Hope and Crosby are on their way to a temple to get an elixer that will return Hope’s memory, which they get, but are then told they have to stay at the temple forever. This is undoubtedbly not what our boys want to hear, so they work their “patty cake” mojo and escape. To test Hope’s skills, Crosby has him memorize the only paper with writing they have, the Rocket Fuel directions. They then burn the paper, but Hope can recall the information after he is given some of the herb they use for memory recollection. This makes them targets of the 3rd Echelon.

Finally Dorothy Lamour shows up, as Dorothy Lamour!!! She tries to hide our boys, sings a song with them, then they leave. And that’s it for Dorothy Lamour! Pure garbage, we are robbed of more Dorothy!!! Although loaded with cameos (Deano, Frank Sinatra, Peter Sellers, David Niven, others), this movie fails to live up to many of its predecessors, and, being set in Hong Kong, has some uncomfortable moments when some characters interact with the local “Asians” (aka white guys with stereotypical speaking styles and buck teeth). I was embarassed telling one of my asian coworkers that that stuff was in there. Overall, not a terrible movie, but no where near the rest of the Road Pictures. 5/10

Road Pictures Ratings!!!
after seeing them all, here they are listed by personal preference!

  1. Road to Utopia
  2. Road to Morocco
  3. Road to Rio
  4. Road to Bali
    4a. My Favorite Brunette (honorable mention)
  5. Road to Singapore
  6. Road to Zanzibar
  7. Road to Hong Kong

And now i have to search for a new series of classic movies to run through…but first:

Zu: Warriors from Magic Mountain aka Shu shan
Starring Sammo Hung, Adam Cheng, Yuen Biao, Brigitte Lin, Moon Lee

In the 5th Century, China is suffereing form civil war. The Blue clothed people (West Zu) are fighting the Red Clothed people (East Zu), proving the East Coast/West Coast Rap rivalry is just a rip off of ancient China. Tu-Pac, I’m ashamed of you! But back to the story. Blue’s scout (Yuen Biao) is framed for insubordination by his corrupt generals and is forced to flee for his life, where he meets Sammo Hung as a Red guy. They Quarrel, but suddenly Orange, Yellow, and Green show up, and Hung and Blue pretend to fight each other to get through the battle. Luckily, no one can remember who is on what side, so Hung and Biao do deception and work through the crowd. Hung and Biao part ways, and Biao stumbles across a cave where monsters are, and the monsters are summarily slain by a warrior in white, Master Ting. Ting and a Monk and his student team up to fight a Blood Demon, but they don’t like working together and do not cooperate. The Monk is poisoned, and in ten days will become a duplicate of the Blood Demon. Another warrior in white, the leader of the Ou-Mei Clan, traps the Demon in his beard (he is also played by Sammo Hung). Biao, Ting, the Monk, and his student set out for the Twin swords of Ou-Mei so they can slay the demon, but must first cure the Monk of his poison. Good Fantasy film by director Tsui Hark, who remade it recently as Legend of Zu (or Zu Warriors, depending on how you see it). I haven’t seen the update yet, but from all accounts it’s fantasy Fu is better. Still, Zu will not disappoint action fans, despite the very apparent wires at times. 7/10

48

I could be wrong, but I don’t think they have anything to do with each other. It comes from an old manga, I think.

49

Tampopo
Starring: Tsutomu Yamazaki, Nobuko Miyamoto
Featuring: One (1) Naked Asian Chick (Fukumi (seriously!)Kuroda)

A movie about people (Japanese, in this case) and their obsession with food. The main story is about a bad-ass truck driver who stops in a ramen bar run by a shy widow named Tampopo. Dismayed at the quality of her restaurant and the food, he takes it on himself to train her to be the best ramen chef in Japan. The movie takes frequent detours along the way, turning its attention to interesting characters that pass by the camera, and following their stories for a little bit. A recurring character is the Man in the White Suit, your host at the beginning of the film. There’s one scene in particular, featuring him, his mistress, and a room service cart filled with all kinds of food including raw oysters, that is somewhere between the food-sex scene in 9 1/2 Weeks and its parody in Hot Shots! in tone, but still better than both. None of the individual sketches are all that strong on their own, but the format of the movie is so interesting, and it flows so well with all the sketches working together, that by the end you’re really engrossed in all the characters’ stories. I guess “charming” is the best word for it. It’s hard not to be won over by it, and each time I see it, I like it more. (And yeah, I always tear up a little at the end.)

(And Space Vampire, according to this website at least, you’re both right. Or at least, you’re both equally wrong. The movie is based on the manga, the manga is a “re-imagining” of the film.)

50

The film is based on a manga by Tezuka, the creator of Astro Boy (in fact Astro Boy apparently first appeared in Metropolis). I referred to the movie as a “re-imagining” because Otomo added elements of the original that were not in Tezuka’s manga (Tezuka supposedly wrote the manga based on the poster for Lang’s Metropolis without having seen the movie), like the city’s structure being vertical with the “lower classes” living in the shadows.
The Anime version doesn’t share the plot of the original, but they are very strongly tied thematically.

51

Let’s get page two started off right…
Ninja Academy
Starring Will Egan, Kelly Randall, and Seth Foster as ADDLEMAN!!!!!!

In Japan, a golden nunchuk will be passed from master to student, as it has for centuries. The top two students must fight, Chiba and…ADDLEMAN!!! For some reason i like Addleman a lot, he has a cool name, and i’m not just saying that because my last name is Addleman and I’ve never seen it used in a movie before, especially in the opening credits and on the video box. But i digress. Chiba and Addleman fight, and Chiba shows compassion, allowing Addleman to win (Horray!!). But, Since compassion was what the old master was looking for, Chiba gets the prize (BOOOO!!!), and Addleman vows revenge. Flash forward twenty years and both actors have set up ninja schools (yet neither actor ages, must be the power of the NINJA!!).

Now us moviegoers are treated (punished?) with scenes of random terribly written characters and their even worse written reasons for going off to Chiba’s Ninja school. Uninteresting Rich Jerk’s (URJ) father decides to send him to ninja school to learn some responsibility or some nonsense. We also meet “James Bond,” 00741, who has been sent for “retraining.” I guess England can’t afford a Ninja School of their own, and has to send their agents to obscure California Schools. And let’s not forget the Mime, the most unappealing character in movie history! He is told to go to the Ninja school by his muggers, who want a better challenge!!! Who writes this??? Are any of these characters appealing??? NO! By now, i am wishing this movie a painful death, despite the Addleman character. But we haven’t even gotten to school yet…

The characters interact, hate each other, the two women pick out date prospects, while URJ acts like a URJ. There is a dispicable survivalist character, who does the worst Eastwood impression ever. And lets not forget the klutz character, who falls down alot. Ha. Ha. Ha. I laugh. None compare to the horror that is…the MIME!!! :eek: The Mime is 100% pure evil, because he is a mime, and in a movie!!! EEEEEEEVIIIIL!!! The mime makes this movie into a war crime, and it should be dragged in front of a war tribunal and executed. Master Chiba takes a shine to URJ, for some reason (maybe because he looks leacherously at his daughter, Gail (Kelly Randall)) and smacks him with a stick every moring at 5am. How Funny!!! :rolleyes: So Ninja training starts, under Gail’s watch. To accompany the unfunny funny scenes of our “heros” training, the Worst 80’s Song Ever[sup]TM[/sup] blares in the background. Actual lyrics: “Hokey Pokey, It’s no Jokey, don’t be Dopey, for Hokey Pokey!”

Luckily we have a small break from the terrible song for a stop at a nudist camp (note: 1 naked Asian chick), then Addleman (whoo-hoo!!!) finds out about Chiba and crafts a plan to steal the golden nunchucks, and have his toady spy on Gail in the shower (note: 1 naked half-Asian chick). After some more horrid stansas of “Hokey Pokey,” the movie studdenly realized it sucked, and tried to make up with the worst dream sequence ever, the inspired by Satan’s toenail jam type of dreams. Suddenly, Addleman’s ninjas attack!!! (now, there is a sentence i dreamed of writing!!! this movie does have one redeming feature!) But our heros with 4 days training beat the Ninja masters, because of “Bad Writing.” Then, Chiba and Addleman must fight, and fight they do! But Chiba wins (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!), and Addleman goes home in disgrace (story of my life). Finally, the final credits role, complete with lame puns in the credits, but i can finally see Addleman in the closing credits, too—but wait!! IT’S MISSPELLED!!! DAMN YOU MOVIE!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

Conclusion-- Despite having a character named the coolest name ever (Addleman) and naked Asian chicks, this movie must be eradicated from the face of the Earth, before aliens find out what we are capable of and destroy us. 0/10 quality, 10/10 Addleman and Naked Asians Points

52

Battle Royale
Starring Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Takeshi Kitano

This film is violent violent violent. Not for the faint of heart. Hey, if a movie causes Japanese lawmakers to get upset, you know its gotta have issues! Battle Royale is set in the future (2002, made in 2000), where Japan has undergone an economic crisis and society is almost collasped. The solution? Get a bunch of average jr. High school kids together on an island an have them kill each other (Makes sense). First we get a glismpse of last years winner, a little girl clutching her teddy bear, doused with blood, and with a super creepy creepy grin on her face (the kind that haunt your dreams creepy). Now we cut to our class, 40 students going to their class trip, only they have been chosen at random to compete in Battle Royale!!! They get 2 transfer students, and their Psycho teacher, Kitano (Takeshi Kitano), shows up to give them instructions. The students have ID collars around their necks which tracks them and can explode if they are in a “Danger Zone” on the island they are put on. We are also treated to a freaky video explanation of the rules, hosted by and ultra-perky Japanese punk girl. And two students don’t make it out of Basic Training (if you are worried about losing count, don’t be, the movie keeps score of the kills). If more than one person is alive after the three day time limit, all living students get blown up, so there can be only one victor.

Each student is given a bag with a random weapon (gun, knife, crossbow, tracker, pot lid) and set loose. One of the transfer students is some psycho boy who signed up for fun, but the rest are average children put in this situation. We get to see how they react, some of them become killers right away, while others refuse to play and either kill themselves or try to hide. These kids have to deal with social cliques and school crushes, as well as murderous classmates. I won’t spoil the ending. I enjoyed how some of the characters suddenly turned into ruthless killers, and it was a realistic turning, not some Hollywood crappy diologue now Freddy Prinze Jr is evil sort of thing. But be warned it IS disturbing, and very graphic. One of the few movies that disturbed me (hey, i wasn’t put off by the ending of Audition at all!), so know what you are getting into. 8/10
**Dead or Alive** aka Dead or Alive: Hanzaisha
Starring Riki Takeuchi, Sho Aikawa, Shingo Tsurumi
Directed by Takashi Miike(Audition)

SPOILERS!!!
A tale of the Yakuza, but Director Miike takes us for a neat ride. Starts out with a five minute long cut scene that could easily be a trailer for the film, except the scenes feature drugs, clowns with gun, shotgun murders, naked Japanese strippers, man on man sex in the men’s restroom, more murders, the longest cocaine line i’ve seen in a movie, more murders, more shots of the stripper, men having man on man sex in the bathroom being murdered, and more murders. All set to a cool techno/rock beat. Unfortunately, the movie then slows down. It turns into a simple Yakuza robs a truck, and a cop, Jojima (Aikawa Sho), must hunt them down.

Complicated by the main bad dude Ryuichi (Takeuchi Riki) having his brother return home from college in the US not knowing what his brother does, and Jojima’s daughter having cancer and needing an operation he cannot afford. Ryuichi is not a big time ganster, but gets his friends to help him try to take over a section of the city.
But besides that, we have scenes of a man masturbating a dog, so it will get erect for the beastiality pictures another Yakuza guy is about to take (what kind of dishonor do you have to do in the Yakuza to be made a dog fluffer???). Later, a woman is given drugs, has sex with scores of men, and sites in a pool full of her pee and poop, which she is then drowned in by a Yakuza guy.
From that cheery scene we go to a giant shootout where gangleaders are slaughtered, and the brother that came home from college is killed by Jojima’s partner, who is also killed. Ryuichi is mad, and kills Jojima’s wife and daughter, right after they get the money for the operation. So Jojima vows revenge, and sets up a game of chicken with Ryuichi and his two thugs. Ryuichi’s car swereves, but hits a car hidden on the side of the road, and thug #1 becomes a pancake. Thug #2 shoots at the Jojima’s car, blowing it up, but not killing Jojima, who shoots him, steps our of his burnt car, and rips off his injured arm (ooooookay…). But wait, it hasn’t gotten weird yet!!! Next, Jojima pulls a rocket launcher out of his shirt (WTF???) and Ryuichi pulls out a red glowing sphere (WTF???). He tossed the sphere as Jojima fires, the missiles collide in the air, and we are treated to a cut scene of Earth from space showing Japan, which is then incinerated by a giant shockwave which spreads and blows up a good chunk of the Eastern Hemisphere. Don’t ask me, i just watch them. If anyone has a clue as to what happened, let me know. Otherwise, good, but not great, but the opening scene rocks! 7/10

53

Blind Beast
Directed by Yasuzo Masumura

A blind sculptor kidnaps a model and takes her home (where he lives with his mother). He keeps her in a room decorated with sculptures of female body parts. At first she tries to escape, then she begins to join in his perverse games.
Based on a story by Edogawa Rampo, and directed by the guy who made Giants and Toys, this is a twisted yet subdued story- no matter how messed up the characters are you understand and to a degree like them. The ending is similar to Boxing Helena, but much more affecting than that film since you actually care for these characters.
I’d give it a nine, it’s not quite as good as Giants and Toys. The Naked Asian Chick quotient: some nudity, but not as much as you’d expect given the plot.

Fudoh
Directed by Takashi Miike

Rikki Fudoh witnessed his brother’s murder, commited by his father at the behest of the yakuza. He starts a “children’s crusade” against the old guard.
Genuinely messed up yakuza flick. The plot (if there even is one) is damn near impossible to follow but you will be too busy being grossed out by the twisted events- torture, child murder, a stripper who shoots darts out of her coochie…
This is the only Miike film I’ve seen besides Audition, and was nowhere near as good. It had more “shocks”, but what I liked about Audition was that the characters were believeable and likeable, which made the shocks all the more powerful- Fudoh doesn’t have a single likeable character in it.
I’d give it a four. Yes, Virginia, there are naked asian chicks in this movie.

54

The Corpse Grinders

Now this is more like it. Bad, bad, bad movie, yet fun. A doctor and nurse investigate the Lotus Cat Food company, which is using human corpses as cat food- sending ordinary housecats into a blood frenzy, attacking their owners. The “cat attacks” are pretty damn goofy, and the performers are awful. The sets are so cheap you won’t believe it, and many of the “actors” look like homeless people who were dragged in front of the camera.
Some amusing incidents: the gravedigger’s wife treats a doll like their child- it’s never explained in the movie, maybe they couldn’t afford a real child actor. The “corpse grinder” is a cardboard box that people are put in, hamburger comes out the other end. The doctor smokes- IN HIS OFFICE.
Of course it would probably cost more to make cat food the way they do in this movie than it does to make real cat food.
I watched it with my cat and she gives it two paws up.

The Baby

A social worker is assigned the case of a family with a “retarded” man-child who still wears diapers and sleeps in a crib. The family is incredibly dysfunctional, Baby suffers sexual and physical abuse. The social worker recently lost her husband and feels a strong attatchment to Baby. The conclusion is an honest to god shocker, so I won’t spoil it.
Among other oddities, Baby is dubbed over with the sound of an actual baby babbling and crying. The scene where one of Baby’s sisters catches the babysitter “suckling” him and then proceeds to beat him is truly sick.
Definitely a good movie, the script is actually very good and the actors give it their all- it’s just too bizarre a movie to have achieved the success it deserves. The pedestrian cinematography (it’s shot like a made-for-TV movie) actually makes what you’re seeing all the more shocking.

55

**Pulgasari**
Starring: Chang Son Hui, Ham Gi Sop

A famine has swept across feudal Korea. Luckily, the people have a corrupt governor that steals what little food they have! A blacksmith’s son prepares to set out and fight the governor, but the governor charges his father with making weapons, and steals the village’s farmtools to make them out of. The blacksmith refuses, gives back the tools, and is jailed. He makes a Pulgasari statue, and is slowly tortured and killed by the governor. Before he dies, he wishes the Pulgasari to live. (A Pulgasari is an animal that eats metal). The blacksmith’s daughter Ami manages to bleed on the three inch statue, causing it to come alive. So now a three inch metal eating monster is running around ancient Korea, growing bigger as it eats metal. The son of the Blacksmith is about to be beheaded, but the Pulgasari shows up and eats the axe. Pulgasari is made of metal, so swords just bounce off or break. The people see that they have a weapon that can help them fight the evil governor, so soon Pulgasari is eating the governor’s weapons left and right, and growing huge. But then the movie goes twenty minutes without showing a giant monster in a suit, as plot stuff happens with swordfights, but then suddenly Pulgasari is back.

So now we are treated to scenes of large epic battles with a giant monster strolling around, which makes a good movie inmy book. The evil governor tries various ways to dispose of Pulgasari, including burying him and building giant canons.

The backstory of this movie is it was made in North Korea by the dictator Kim Jong-Il , who kidnapped some movie people to work on it. (director Shin Sang-Ok and Choe Un-Hee his wife.) Shin Sang-Ok and Choe Un-Hee fled for America after this movie and another one, and Pulgasari was banned until 1998.

56

Score for Pulgasari…8/10 monster fun, 5/10 quality

High School Ghost Hustlers (not on the IMDB!!)
Starring: Senna Matsuda, Yuka Nakamuri, Yuko Kitamura

Movie opens with a suicde jumper (a Japanese schoolgirl). We then cut to scenes of Kyoko (Matsuda), a high school student, bungee jumping while her two friends Emi (Nakamuri) and Mayu (Kitamura) talk. The three are members of a supernatural club at their school run by a teacher named Shimoda. The school the suicde jumper is from has had several jumpers recently, and it is rumored ghosts are involved, so the three girls decide to investigate. Kyoko wants to see her dead grandma and solves problems by kicking things, and Emi is a psychic, and daughter of a psychic. Mayu is…Mayu (the script writer didn’t give her any disernable personality traits). In the school, they wander around at midnight and run into the janitor, who is playing the piano. The janitor turns out to be molesting the schoolgirls and then hypnotyzing them into jumping off the building. He tries it on our heroines, only to get beat up by Kyoko.

The girls then help Shimoda’s female friend Yuki’s school which is infested by ghosts. Emi does an exorcism, which causes some kites filmed in half focus rear projected on a bluescreen to fly around, saving the school. And some rock breaks. But that makes the girls famous, and we are treated to a montage of newspaper clippings of their other cases with odd headlines, such as “Ghost is a Pervert”, “Kyoko beats up Dog with a man’s head” and “Ameatures shouldn’t pray”

But back at Yuki’s school, the girls there are suddenly sleeping with every man they can get their hands on. (yes, this involves naked asian chicks). The girls go to investigate and Yuki gets infected and gives some sweet lovin’ to Matsuda. Yuki is possessed by Bunbei who is a horny ghost and refuses to go to the next plane of existance until he has sexed himself out. At this point the movie turns into an R rated Hentai tenticle movie (but live action). Girls get possessed by wormlike slugs that look suspicously like male naughty bits. The Trio leaves, and prepares to fight the ghosts, by dressing in camoflauge clothes and weilding vacuum cleaners except Emi, who dresses in rags and waves a stick with tissue paper on it (or, a samurai tailsman like themovie says…)at ghosts while chanting. Oddly enough, this works, and they meet up with the evil ghost boss, who also is shaped like a giant male member, and tries to insert some other suspeciously shaped tentacles into the girls’ most intament of areas. This film had no money, but managed to get THREE Japanese supermodels to star in it. Time to move to Japan and make movies, i have $20… 7/10 Cheeze, 2/10 quality.

57

Night Train to Terror

“Everybody’s got something to do/ Everybody but you.”
God and Satan are on a train, discussing the merits of humanity. Satan tells three stories to illustrate his point that we are inherently evil, God rebuts him thrice. There is also a really bad new wave band on the train. The first story involves the patients taking over an insane asylum- hey look, it’s Bull from night court. I almost didn’t recognise him with hair.
After satan and God talk, the band plays. Apparently god like rock music, he just has bad taste in bands…
The second story involves a “suicide club”. Good lord, the presentation of the black character is racist. The effects are very goofy.
Satan and God talk some more, oh dear lord- now the band is break dancing!
The final story is about an atheist philosopher and how he becomes involved with nazi satanists. Hey, it’s Bull again- he still has hair, but now it’s different hair.
Satan and God babble some more, then the train explodes.
What the hell was that?
Very odd, very poorly made horror anthology. Apparently this is a combination of two unfinished movies with a movie that was completed and a cheezy connecting story. One of the members of the band must have been related to one of the producers.
It’s a 2 for quality, and a 9 for weirdness: you’ll never see anything quite like this again, but it’s not as odd as Christmas Evil.

Resident Evil

Incredibly bad zombie movie, based on the videogame of the same name. A group of commandos raids an underground base, which was shut down by it’s main computer to prevent the T-virus from spreading.
Taken as individual scenes, most of this movie would have been a “wow”. Incoherent scripting and editing drag it down.
The worst problem is the same problem the games have had, with the exception of RE2: the main characters are frikkin’ commandos. How can you feel any fear on behalf of these characters when they are armed to the teeth and heavily trained? Even worse is the fact that none of the characters are likeable or even identifiably human. Some people complain that in most horror movies the characters “act dumb”, I find it far more believable and terrifying for a character to panic than for them to act like a grade Z Rambo knock-off.
Don’t see the movie, play Resident Evil 2 instead.

58

Electric Dragon 80,000V
Starring Tasanobu Asano, Masatoshi Nagase. Dir by Sogo Ishii

Ryuganji Morison (Asano) is a child climbing a powerline tower, who gets shocked. His brain is damaged according to Dr. Egghead Scientist in the section we inherited from the lizards unlatered, which controls base emotions. He has become Dragon Eye, and after a series of shots of him growing older and fighting with people and being chained into bed, he is an adult. An adult with an effenity for lizards, who works as a Lizard Detective, and is a human battery. And his battery status makes him great at playing the electric guitar, which he does constantly, and it saves his life.

Another character is introduced, but half his face is replaced with a metal Budda head. He is Thunderbolt Budda!!! (Nagase). Electrician by day, crime avenger by night! His face was scarred when he was struck by lighting, but he gained electricity powers similar to Dragon Eye’s. Thunderbolt Budda sees Dragon Eye as a potential rival, so he kills his lizards and chops up his guitar. So you know these two are gonna have a Battle Royale with the sparcs a flyin’! good fun, fast paced. Only problems, too short (55min). being in B&W was no deterrent to me. 8/10
The General
Starring…Buster Keaton!!!
One of the greatest comedy films of all time. Made in 1927, B&W, silent. Buster Keaton is Johnnie Gray, train engineer at the start of the Civil War. Johnnie’s girl wants him to join up in the army like her brother. Johnnie tries, but the Military Brass wants him running the trains as he is too valuble there. Due to a misunderstanding, it is thought that Johnnie was too yellow to sign up for the army, and his girl won’t speak to him until he is in uniform.

1 year later, Union troops plan to steal Johnnie’s train (The General) and use it to disrupt supply lines and burn bridges. They steal the general and Johnnie’s girl, forcing Johnnie to take another engine and set out in hot pursuit. In his pursuit, Johnnie has run ins with the cannon attached to his engine, distatched passenger cars, and a full scale army battle taking place in the background that goes almost completely unnoticed. Johnnie eventually rescues his girl, and steals his train and runs back to town to warn of an impending attack. The Union is in hot pursuit.

This movie has every conceivable train gag ever. Pretty much any train thing you can think of is here, and many you would never come up with. And it is a real train, with real things on the tracks, with Buster Keaton running around the real moving train. Let’s see Jim Carrey do that! Excellent film! 10/10

The Playhouse
Starring Buster Keaton as…Everyone!! (just about)

Keaton Plays at least 26 characters, with as many as 9 on the screen at the same time. (this is from 1921!). He is dreaming about a stage performance, and he is the entire main act, and the audience! Fun short! 8/10

Cops
Starring Buster Keaton
Buster Keaton is tricked into buying a bunch of items, when in fact the owners think he is a moving van. This makes him wanted by the police. And a mishap with a terrorist bomb at a police parade doesn’t help. And there are 1,000,000,000 cops in this town, all chasing our hero. If you’ve seen Muppet Babies and their photage of hundreds of cops chasing someone down the street, it is from this short. Pretty good, but not as good as the Playhouse. 7/10

59

Mikadroid: Robokill under Disco Club Layla aka Mikadoroido
Starring Hiroshi Atsumi, Sandayuu Dokumamushi

In 1945, Japan is working on the JINRA project to make cyborgs for battle. But Japan loses the war and the project is shut down. The lead scientist doesn’t want to get rid of the cyborgs, so he lets two of them escape (they look human) and a thrid is trapped underground and the scientist is killed. Flash foward to present day (or 1991) and a disco club called Layla is build over the underground lab. People are being bumped off in the parking garage and an electrician (or something) is sent to figure out some power stuff and stumbles across the Cyborg monster and he and a women are hunted by it. Then the two other human cyborgs show up and try to stop the third. And it turns out all three knew each other and were former swim teammates. Not exactly a shining moment in Japanese Horror. 5/10

The Freshman
Starring Harold Lloyd, Jobyna Ralston

Harold Lloyd is Harold Lamb in this 1925 silent classic, who dreams of going to college. He practices college chants in his room and wants to be on the football team. He gets in to Tate College and is on the train there when he meets Peggy (Ralston), the type of girl your mother must have been (or so the textcard says). They sit next to each other and people think they are in love. The Dean is the prototype for the strict dean in movies to come, this one is so dignified his wife cannot even call him by his first name. Harold ends up being tricked into taking his car, then giving the welcome speech to the freshmen. The upperclassmen then have Harold buy pretty much the whole school ice cream, which wipes out Harold’s money and forces him to move into a hotel. But the Hotel is where Peggy works.

Harold tries out for the football team, the coach likes his spirit but doesn’t want to let him know he can’t play, so uses him as a tackeling dummy and tells him he is an alternate. Harold volunteers as MC of a Party, but his tailor drank and fell asleep before finishing his suit, so his suit is constantly falling apart at the party while the drunk tailor is fixing it in secret. It looks like Harold will never be popular now. But the big game is coming up…

Excellent film, recommended to all. The Waterboy looks suspicously like this film… 10/10

60

Sleepaway Camp
Cheezy, sleasy Friday the 13th knock off with a disturbing sexual subtext that makes it stand out from the crowd.
Angela and Peter are swimming in the lake with their father when a speedboat crashes into the family, killing the father and one of the children. Angela is sent to live with her crazy aunt Martha (Desiree Gould in a brilliantly over the top performance). Years later Angela goes to sleepaway camp with her cousin Ricky. This leads to one of the creepy things here, unlike other Friday the 13th knock offs the kids here are young enough to be at camp. The “kids smoking pot and having sex until a psycho kills them” plot is a lot creepier when they are actually kids. The camp cook is a creepy pedophile as well, which is disturbing. When the kids start dropping like flies, suspicion falls on Ricky and Angela because they don’t fit in. The “surprise” ending is both incredibly stupid and really creepy.
The water moccasin in a dead boy’s mouth scene is gross, and the killer put a curling iron to twisted use- the movie isn’t really violent by slasher movie standards, but it is just so unwholesome that I’m surprised it ever got away with an R rating.
I give it an 8, only for the ending.

Werewolf in a girls’ dormitory
One of the best theme songs ever, “The Ghoul’s in School”, can’t save this boring movie. A new teacher is suspected of being a werewolf when he tries to educate the “superstitious” villagers. Somehow the concept of a werewolf in a girls’ dormitory doesn’t lead to hot co-eds running through the woods in flimsy nightgowns. There isn’t a single pillowfight in the whole movie, and all of the “girls” look to be in their mid-fourties.
I give it a 5 for the title alone, plus 4 for the great theme song, minus 2 for the lack of hot chicks in the girls’ dormitory, for a total of 7.