I just wanted to let you two know that at least one thread lurker is still reading your efforts. Much appreciated.
Short Night of Glass Dolls
Directed by Aldo Lado
A dead body is found by a street cleaner in Prague, when the body is sent via ambulance to a hospital the doctors declare it dead. Then the narrator begins telling us his story- he’s the dead guy… He was an American reporter with a beautiful girlfriend (Barbara Bach), when she dissapeared he began investigating. his colleagues are a drunk (who for some reason has a scottish accent in one scene) and his ex girlfriend. The image of butterflies with no flight instinct is used at several points in the film, which is a beautiful image and thematically interesting, but at one point the director goes for overkill by having a hippie street performer singing a song about said butterflies… WTF? One of the bad guys at the end has these cool owl glasses and a crazy witches hat made out of sticks. At one point, for no particular reason, a “scientist” gives a demonstration of how plants react to pain- this leads to some totally gratuitous tomato torture. I’m pretty sure the password to the bad guys club you see at the end is “fidelio”.
**Where’s Officer Tuba?** aka Pi li da la ba
Starring Sammo Hung, Joey Wong
Hung is Tuba, an unconfident police officer who plays the tuba in the police band. His friend is a grocery store manager, and Tuba plays guessing games with him in the security cameras, making faces and drawing pictures with look dirty until the rest of the picture is drawn in. A new female manager starts, sees Tuba drawing dirty pictures, and hijinks ensue. Tuba’s ex-roommate finishes the police acadamy, moves back in, and is promptly given a job as a mailboy instead of on patrol like he wanted.
Tuba is later given a bag by Sargent Rambo Chow, and told to give it to the Seargent’s wife’s lover, and the Sargent will follow him. It is instead a trap, and the Sargent is killed, but before he dies gets tuba to vow to get the extortion gang.
Sgt. Chow returns as a ghost to try to help Tuba get the gang, but Tuba is still unconfident and tries to ignore Chow, causing chow to embarass him publically until he agrees to help him. Chow ruins Tuba’s dinner where he meets the parents of his new girlfriend. So Tuba finally decides to go get the gang, with his roommate’s help. Pretty funny HK comedy. I learned ghosts cannot touch women’s underwear, or else they cannot be reincarnated. 7/10
**Mad Mission III Our Man From Bond Street**aka Zuijia paidang zhi nuhuang miling
Starring: Peter Graves!! Richard Kiel!! Tsunehara Sogiyama!! Sylvia Chang dir by: Tsui Hark
In Paris, Sam (Sam Hui) is using his electric binoculars to peep on women, when a women, Jade, tries to kill him. He fights her to a stand still, but then Oddjob(!!!) and Big G (or you know him as…Jaws!!) show up! They have a battle on the Eiffel Tower, then parachute off into the water, where a giant submarine shark eats Sam. The shark is driven by…James Bond!!! “James Bond” needs Sam (a jewel theif) to steal the Royal Jewels away from some theives. Sam has some doubts, but luckily the Queen of England is on the Submarine Shark to convince Sam.
Cut to Peter Graves getting a tape of his mission. It seems some criminal imposters of James Bond and The Queen, along with Jade, are jewel theives, using Sam as their unwitting dupe. The mission tape then explodes in 5 seconds, almost killing Graves. Sam dupes his cop friend Cody Jack to give him an alibi by setting him up on a date (Jack is married) and Sam steals the first jewel (The Star of Fortune). Cody Jack hooks Sam up to a lie detector, which punches him in the head if he lies.
The second jewel (Royal Star, 108 karats) is under heavy guard. A gang of Santas on rocket packs steal the jewel (as kids cheer them on). The Santas switch to motorcycles, while Sam gets on a glider (with Cody Jack hanging on the end). but the whole ruckuss is a distraction to let Jade steal the real jewel, which was hidden away. Later, the movie turns into Road Warrior and Oddjob and “Big G” show up again. Goofy goofy goofy. Part of a series of 5 movies (the only one i could find at the video store so far). Entertaining as long as you don’t take it serious. 7/10
Shaolin Soccer aka Siu lam juk kau
Starring Stephen Chow, Vicki Zhao, Man Tat Ng
One of the COOLEST movies i have seen in a long time! A crippled ex-soccer player, Golden Leg, is thrown out by his evil friend. He meets up with a former Shaolin student who does some Kung Fu, and they trade insults. The student, Sing (Stephen Chow), is one of six “brothers” that are supposed to spread their Shaolin teachings to others, but are instead working bad jobs and losing their skills. Sing hits on a local baker, Mui (the incredible hot Vicki Zhao, despite what they put on her face here), who uses Tai Chi to bake bread. A musical number happens (seriously, and it’s funny!). Sing’s shoes are falling apart, and he leaves them as collateral until he can pay for some of her bread.
Later, Sing fights some goons and beats them up with a soccer ball because he promised his master he wouldn’t use his hands to fight. Golden Leg sees him and asks him to use Kung Fu to play soccer. Sing agrees, and sets out to convince his brothers to join the team, and win the tournament and get $1,000,000. A fight against some cheating goon team gives the brothers their confidence back. But Golden Leg’s evil friend has his own team, Evil Team (of course), and he owns all the refs and soccer association, so he can get away with anything. He laughingly lets Golden Leg enter the tournament, where Shaolin Team precedes to beat the living crap out of the other teams. But Evil Team has a surprise for them…
Chock full of special effects, people go flying left and right, flaming balls wizz through the soccer field, soda cans destroy brick walls. Just plain cool. Also features Karen Mok and Cecilia Cheung briefly (in beards, which oddly enough didn’t disturb me that much…). See it. 10/10
It took you over three weeks after renting it to finally post a review of Where’s Officer Tuba? I’m highly disappointed in you, Tars 
I was waiting with baited breath!
I wish I could match your propensity for watching B-movies, but I don’t have the stomach for it (or a rental card anywhere that I don’t owe at least $30 in late fees.) I’d settle just for finding a copy of Bubba Ho-tep somewhere.
**Robo Vampire**
Starring…No one important!
What first attracted me to this monstrosity? Ah, yes, the Box Art, which featured Robocop Strangling a Vampire while shooting. Naturally, the idea of Robocop vs. Vampires appeals to me, so i rented this movie. It starts with two white army guys escorting an Asian dude, when they accidently wake up some vampires (note, all vampires are Asian hopping vampires) who kill the white guys. Suddenly, we cut to a Drug lord (who is Latino, or dubbed that way) who wants to stash drugs in vampires, or hire them to kill cops, it wasn’t that clear. A Dopey guy tries tostash some drugs, but ends up just waking the vampires up and causing havok. The Vampire maker ends up putting them back to sleep (via hanging a paper with characters written on it, but i couldn’t catch what it said). The Vampire Maker then demonstrates his Super Vampire (a vampire with a Gorilla mask) when the Super Vampire’s girlfriend shows up (a White lady in a white dress) and starts doing some kung fu. The Drug Lords let the White Witch marry the Gorilla Vampire so they will both be under their power.
A cop guy (Tom, or something) is trying to stop the druglords, but his squad is ambushed by vampires and he is killed. Immediatly, some random guy who sort of looks like Steve from Married with Children is approved to turn him into a robocop wanna-be. Actually, he becomes “Guy wearing a silver suit that is obviously cloth and wearing goggles, who looks nothing like Robocop pictured on the video box”. In a completely different movie, a narcotics agent is kidnapped by a different druglord (who may or may not be the same druglord) and some guy named Jack is sent to save her, Jack meets Andy, a mercenary, who joins up with Jack to get the drug lords. And they blow up the drug lord house and kill everyone and save the girl. But, the other, Latino druglord from the Robocop vs. vampire part of the movie is still after Robocrap with the Gorilla Vampire. Then some more stuff blows up and Robocrap walks away, victorious, i guess. This film is a mishmash of two films (as i guessed from watching it), and it is hard to figure out where it takes place, the people seem to be asian, but all the cops and military are white, the drug lords are white, latino, and look phillipino, the town has chinese written around it, but one of the shots in a village has Rhinos walking around the background. (are there Rhinos in HK?). This movie was Mocktacular, but not Mocktastic. 2/10 quality, 7/10 fun
Based on no small part from this thread, I have recently ordered and received the following DVDs (all but two from Hong Kong):
The Killer
Hard Boiled
The Replacement Killers
Last Hero in China
Fong Sai Yuk
Fong Sai Yuk II
My Father is a Hero
Once Upon a Time in China
Once Upon a Time in China II
New Legend of Shaolin
The Bride with White Hair
The Bride with White Hair 2
Yes, Madam!
Magnificent Warriors
Butterfly and Sword
Tai-Chi Master
Zu: Warriors from the Magic Mountain
Iron Monkey
Wheels on Meals
Young Master
Twin Dragons
Naked Killer
Sex & Zen
Erotic Ghost Story
Erotic Ghost Story III
Lady in Heat
I’m Your Birthday Cake
Story of Rikki
Angel Dust
Some of these are replacing favorites I already had on VHS, and some were unchartered territory. I haven’t seen all of them yet, of course.
Many still to get, including Shaolin Soccor and others. Many others.
Can someone provide a first-hand review for Electrical Girls and Girls Unbutton? The Naked Asian Chick factor should be the primary focus of the review. Thank You.
Nice to see some familiar titles on that list…Story of Ricky and Magnificent Warriors, you say…
**Riki-Oh – The Story of Ricky** aka Lai wong
Yes, this is the movie with the exploding head scene from the Daily Show. The whole movie is full of goofy gory scenes like that, making it extremely enjoyable!
In 2001, capitalist countries have privatized prisons, which have become like franchises…
Ricky Ho is convicted for manslaughter and given ten years. He has five bullets in him (“Souviners”). The Jail he is put in is divied into 4 wings, with a gang leader controlling each wing (each with a different fighting skills) and the warden and assistant warden are corrupt bosses. The first thing Ricky does is trip the Evil Dude Samuel, who was bullying a toymaker, causing Samuel to fall face first into a board with a nail in it. Samuel causes Toymaker problems until he kills himself, then sends his thug Zorro to beat up Ricky, and Ricky promptly punches through his stomach. this gets the Gang Boss of his section to notice him, a lovely chap by the name of Oscar, who after getting his eye taken out by Ricky, slices his stomach open and tries to strangle him with his intestines. In the ensuing melee, the other bosses attack other inmates, which is where the head exploding scene appears. This is no where near the most goriest part of the movie, which only gets bloodier and bloodier, and yet, more and more satisfying. 9/10
**Magnificent Warriors** aka Zhong hua zhan shi
starring: Michele Yeoh, Richard Ng
Michele Yeoh is the Chinese Indiana Jones Fok Ming Ming in this entertaining film set during World War 2. The city of Kaal is being occupied by the Japanese, and the governor is spying for the Chinese, but needs to get out, and Fok is sent to get him (after an opening scene where she beats up a whole camp full of guerillas), where she is to meet up with Agent 001, who will be wearing a watch delivered to him by pigeon. Unfortunately, the pigeon is intercepted by a drifeter called Paulina (Richard Ng). While flying into town, Fok has a dogfight with a Japanese Zero, in a biplane with only a pistol!
Paulina gets in trouble for cheating at gambling, and is about to be pounded, when the governors daughter Chin-Chin stops the fight at first, but then a debate is held over whether it is right to save him, Chin-Chin gets confused, and leaves, leaving Paulina to his fate, until Fok shows up, but then the Japanese show up, and the real 001 has to save both of them. The Japanese are also going to build a poison gas factory in town, so our heroes have to save the governor and destroy the plant. This leads up to a climactic battle in the town with the Japanese. More fun than most of the movies polluting the theaters stateside. 9/10
(these really were the next two i was going to do!) I’ll see about those other two movies when i go to the video store soon. (provided they aren’t some of the “rape” movies the Japanese keep pumping out, which Le Video (the video store i go to) has in spades…)
King of Comedy aka Heikek chi wong
Starring Stephen Chow, Karen Mok, Cecilia Cheung
Wan Tin Sau(Stephen Chow) is an actor who is dedicated into getting into his roles. This causes him trouble because he usually does what he thinks the characters would do and not what the director wants. During an action sequence where Sister Cuckoo (Karen Mok) is killing bad guys, Wan refuses to fall down dead, and instead wanders around the shot dying. The director is feed up, and replaces him…with Jackie Chan!!! (just a cameo, too bad…but tells Wan to keep trying). Wan is kicked out of the studio, and is even denied the studio lunch due him by the Mean Guy Who Guards the Lunchboxes. Wan is also performing a play “Thunderstorm” at the community theater group, and tries to get people to come, but no one shows up. Lau Pui Pui (Cheung) is a club hostess. Her and the rest of her co-workers are sent to acting school so they can learn not to appear repulsed by hideous male customers. So, Lo and behold, they wind up at Wan’s doorstep. Pui Pui mocks Wan at first, but will eventuall fall for him. Wan also is helping Triad members learn to act tough when doing shakedowns, leading to a hilarious scene with an ice cream eating new triad and a teamster.
Wan begs for an extra job back at the movie studio, and gets one playing a dead body. He even manages to stay dead when Sister Cuckoo freaks out over a cockroach, which falls on Wan and the other extras beat it (and him). This impresses Sister Cuckoo, until Wan screws up again and gets kicked out again, with no lunch. Later, Sister Cuckoo offers a role to Wan when there is a dispute with her usual male lead, and Mean Guy Who Guards the Lunchboxes turns out to be a cop who needs Wan’s help on an undercover assignment.
This is the same Stephen Chow from Shaolin Soccer, and the comedy in this film is less fantasy fighting and more verbal, but their is plenty of slapstick to go around. The action sequences with Sister Cuckoo were pretty funny as well. Hopefully when Shaolin Soccer gets released here, Stephen Chow will catch on and start getting the recognition he deserves here. 7/10
Female Trouble
Starring: Divine, Mink Stole Directed by: John Waters
An undisputed classic of trash cinema, following Dawn Davenport (Devine) from juvenile delinquent to superstar mass murderer.
The opening is one of the best theme songs ever, performed by Divine. As a troublemaking teen, Dawn gets in trouble for eating a meatball sandwich in class. She hangs out with fellow “bad girls” Chicklette and Concetta, skipping classes to smoke in the girls room and load insane amounts of hairspray on their big hair.
When she doesn’t get the cha-cha heels she wanted for Christmas, Dawn knocks the Christmas tree over on her mother (“Not on Christmas…”) and runs away. While hitch-hiking, Dawn has sex with greasy truck driver Earl Peterson (also played by Divine) in a junkyard. (note the skidmarks).
When Dawn gets knocked up, Earl tells her to go f*** herself (one of the wittiest moments in movie history), so Dawn is stuck with a baby and no husband. She gives birth to baby Taffy on a dirty sofa and cuts the umbilical cord with her teeth in a scene that obviously inspired Tom Green.
For the next few years Dawn steadily slid down the job ladder, from waitress to stripper to prostitute to finally becoming a thief along with Chicklette and Concetta. Dawn beats Taffy with a car aerial and chains her to her bed, Chicklette and Concetta convince her to go to the beauty salon to take a break from working so hard to be a wonderful mother…
At the Lipstick Salon, Dawn meets and falls in love with her hairdresser Gator- who lives with his aunt Ida. Ida doesn’t like the idea of Gator dating women, as she tells him, “The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.”
Eventually, though, Dawn and Gator get married, Dawn wearing a see through wedding gown and Aunt Ida attacking the priest. For the next five years Gator cheats on Dawn, makes un-stepfatherly advances on Taffy (now played by Mink Stole, who has a lot of great lines calling Gator a hippie), and uses needle nose pliers in a very interesting way… it finally gets to be too much when he puts a carrot in Dawn’s mouth during sex. (?)
Dawn wants a divorce, as luck would have it just when the Dashers (who own the salon) decide to use her as a model. The Dashers are disgusted by sex, and turned on by crime and violence- they want to take pictures of Dawn’s life of crime. Dawn convinces them to fire Gator first, sending him looking for happiness in Detroit amongst the auto in-dustry.
The Dashers love it when Dawn beats Taffy- they love it even more when Ida breaks in and splashes acid in Dawn’s face as revenge for running Gator out of town…
When Dawn gets out of the hospital, the Dashers have kidnapped Aunt Ida for her and put her in a giant bird cage (in a feather dress). From there, the fun really starts.
The DVD is an extended cut from what has previously been available on video. Some of the scenes that are extended are: When Taffy meets her real father, we see where the knife came from. When Taffy lets Ida out of the cage, Ida tells her that if she ever gets tired of the Hari Krishnas she can come live with Aunt Ida and be a lesbian. Dawn’s chase through the woods is longer and more conherent in the extended cut.
Classic trash. This is one of the funniest movies ever made, and it works better each time I see it. Divine is perfect as the ultimate “bad girl”, of course. He is also excellent as the piggish truck driver, this movie did the “dual role” thing better than any other movie ever has. Mink Stole is awesome as Taffy- she is hilariously bratty, forcing the audience to laugh despite the awful things that happen to her. Edith Massey is Aunt Ida.
It’s surprising, I last saw this movie about five years ago- I swear I remember it having more of the goofy gore effects, but according to the IMDB this version adds cut scenes without deleting anything.
Last Hero in China aka Wong Fei-hung chi tit gai dau neung gung
Starring Jet Li, Gordon Liu, Cheung Man
Jet Li plays Wong Fei-Hung. Opens with some women being kidnapped. Then Wong Fei-hung is caught at a train station when fugitives from the Boxer Rebeliion arrive. Master Wong takes them to school thanks to fight choreography by Yuen Woo Ping.
Master Wong is looking to relocate his Kung Fu school, and gets a good offer from a landlord who wants to learn Kung Fu. Unfortunately, the new location is right next to a building full of women, which disrupts the all male Kung Fu school. During the school’s opening ceremony, the women hold their own opening ceremony, where we find out they have started a brothel! The brothel is run by a Mass Tar, but everyone just calls him Mr. Pimp.
Travelers then arrive investigating kidnapped family members (thw women from the beginning), and some of Wong’s students go to the Temple looking for the women. The Temple Monks beat them silly until Master Wong arrives and cleans the floor with them. The local chief is head of the girl smuggling ring, and frames Master Wong for murder and temple desecration, then turns him deaf, and banashes him. Now Master Wong must regain his hearing and his honor.
Features guys in Chinese Lion costumes fighting guys in a centipede costume, a cool fight scene on a wooden bridge (i’d say the best bridge fight scene ever, surpassing Temple of Doom). And closes with Centipede vs. Rooster fight (guys in costumes again). Excellent choreography make this film worthwhile. 8/10
Starring:Monica Bellucci, Giuseppe Sulfaro
Set in Italy during World War 2, Malena is the story of a young boy who falls in love with an older woman while growing up in the village he lives in. Malena is the most beautiful woman in the village, when she walks through town everyone stops and stares. women whisper behind her back about her being a whore because they are jelious, and men go along with it because they think they can get some. Her husband is sent off to war, so she is alone in the town, where the women won’t give her the best fruit at the market, and no man will hire her for a job because they don’t want to deal with their wives thinking they hired her just to have sex with her. Renato is the young boy who first catches a glimpse of Malena the day Mussolini announces war with Britain and France. He quickly develops an obsession for her, and follows her around. Malena’s father is a deaf Latin teacher at Renato’s school, and the boys say dirty things about his daughter while pretending to ask questions, which the deaf guy interprets as asking to use the bathroom.
Malena’s husband is killed, and immediatly the rumors spread that she has found many new lovers. Only Renato knows that she is faithful, but he finds out do to spying on her. Later, she is accused of sleeping with a married man, and is put on trial for the offense. The man is just delusional, and she is found innocent. Her father is disgraced by the rumors that she is sleeping around, and is eventually killed in a bombing raid. Her lawyer has an unhealthy obsession with her as well, but he is a mamma’s boy, and his mother forbids him seeing Malena, and Malena is soon left all alone. Eventually, this aloneness leads to a downward spiral that Renato is forced to watch in silence being only a child in an adults’ world.
This movie is a great movie dealing with adolecents and their growing pains, while dealing with how rumors spread faster than light and can destroy people. It portrayed the time period it was set in excellently. I found it thoroughly enjoying. 9/10
Joysticks
Starring Joe Don Baker!!
Ah, 80’s video games. Pac-Man, Dig Dug, Pole Position, Galaga, that one where you’re swimming and attack crocs, that beer one…Who could forget? Now this movie brings them all back (or more accurately, since it was made in 1983, treats them as current events). I saw this this weekend in a theater. Basically a Greydon Clark directed sex comedy. Since this is fantasy world, all the hot chicks hang out at the local arcade, run by Local Girl Getter Guy(LGGG). LGGG just hired Nerd Guy, who looks amazingly like Sean Astin. Nerd Guy gets his pants stolen by naked chicks, who hang out at the arcade and have sex with LGGG (yes, the arcade in my area was a brothel as well…except for sweaty weird guys wanting to give little boys candy, but i digress). We are also introduced to Dorfus (aka Jonathan Andrew McDorfus), former class president, now John Belushi lookalike. Video games made him the man he is today: a sloven pig! Of course, this is the hip place for a Valley Girl to hang out, so one does (Patsy Rutter, played by Corinne Bohrer from a bunch of terrible movies and Police Acadamy 4). Valley Girl’s dad is Joe Don Baker, who doesn’t like his skank daughter hanging out at the arcade. so his two inbrede nephews try some bumbling scemes and fail miserably to wreck the arcade, and Joe Don instead takes them before the city council. The arcade can stay open, but to decide whether Joe Don will leave the arcade in peace, there will be a video game showdown (of Super Pac!!!) between the evil King Vidiot and LGGG (who hasn’t played in six months because every time he plays he sees the reflection of his ex-girlfriend’s father (long story)). So will our heroes reign surpeme? Or will Mitchell emerge triumphant?
The good guys win, of course!
Pretty good in a terrible way, best seen in an audience of like minded people. 9/10 mocking power, 2/10 quality.
I need to look no further for **One the Road…to Naked Asian Chicks Kung Fu Fighting ** movies.
This thread is loads of fun.
I need to look no further for **One the Road…to Naked Asian Chicks Kung Fu Fighting ** movies.
This thread is loads of fun. I give it a 10/10
This should be a tag line for film.
The Garbage Pail Kids movie
Starring Mackenzie Astin
SPOILERS!!!
A sold out theater, free GPK cards at the door, and trailers for more bad 80’s movies made this a fun fun night. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, billed as “pulled from theaters after 6 days” is classic 80’s trash. Our hero is Dodger, a 14 year old loser who works at a magic shop under Captain Mancini (and from the things Captain Mancini says, it looks like Dodger might be doing “other” things under Captain Mancini…). Dodger is routinely beaten up via Juice, a Miami Vice dressing “Gangleader” whose gang basically steals lunch money from Dodger and uses his girlfriend Tangerine to sell clothes for more money. there is also a gigantic Chyna-type woman who dresses like Cyndi Lauper and a sunglasses wearing thug. Dodger has a thing for Tangerine, 4 years his senior, which causes Juice to beat him up more, then throw him in the sewer. The fight also knocks over a Garbage Pail, containing the Garbage Pail Kids! Let the fun begin. Dodger soon befriends toe-eating Ali Gator, puke queen Valerie Vomit, 50’s era Greaser Greg, stinky Foul Phil, snot princess Messy Tessy, pee and acne extrodinaire Nat Nerd, and master of flatuence fu Windy Winston.
The GPK agree to help Dodger win the heart of Tangerine, and since they have sewing powers, they make clothes (which are so 80’s my hair spontanously Flock of Seagulled), and Dodger passes them off as his own creations. This earnes Tangerine’s admirations, and she sets up a fashion show. Unfortunately, Juice and his cronies capture the GPKs and send them to the State Home for the Ugly, where they will be crushed into a cube. But Dodger is at the fashion show (and wearing a ^*#in' bow tie around his neck with a tee-shirt and terrible jacket!!!! There is no God!!!) Juice's thugs beat up Dodger again (good!) and then Dodger and the Captain break out the GPKs and the other ugly people (including Ghandi, Santa Clause, Lincoln, and Weird Al (the only Weird Al impersonator ever, i'd bet!)). They then head to the fashion show to cause chaos! After the meyham, the Garbage Pail Kids are let loose into the world, and Dodger is still wearing that @#^ing bow tie!!! the dastard!
Seeing the movie in a theater full of other people eagerly anticipating this monstrocity was beyond cool, especially since i was banned from seeing it by my mom when it came out, since i was 9, i had no recourse until i found it in a video store 4 years ago. I must own this movie… 10/10 mocktacular, 0/10 quality
and as requested…
Girls Unbutton aka Bu kou niu de nu hai
Starring Loletta Lee
Standard woman searching for Mr. Right comedy, where Mr. Right is right under her nose, but she is too busy boinking all of HK to see it. My copy suffered from white subtitles on white background syndrome, but the main character was Jenny, and boyfriend #1 was a triad guy who gets killed (i think) and #2 was a politicion, while Mr. Right is a boat on the road driving guy with a sister who keeps falling out of her clothes. Some humorous sex scenes, but no one is watching this for the plot. Features FOUR fully naked Asian women, so divemaster, check it out. 2/10 quality, 10/10 naked asian-ness.
This is yet another Yaoi (Japanese for “man on man action”) anime. The show is not bad. Only two episodes were made, and they were direct to video. The DVD is not very good: only Japanese audio with non-removeable subtitles, absolutely no extras.
Episode 1
Ranmaru is a master fencer. His opponents fear him, everyone else admires him… until a hit and run accident costs him his fencing career. It turns out that the car was intended to hit his boyfriend Enjoji, the illigitimate son of a Yakuza boss.
Ran insists that Enjoji not seek revenge on his father, in fear that he would end up just like him. “I’ve already lost fencing, I don’t want to lose you now.” (Hey, a little melodrama is good for the soul…)
Time passes, and Ran and Enjoji are in college together. Ran tells Enjoji that he needs to stay late to help his professor. Prof asks Ran to get a drink with him after work- Ran isn’t the sharpest pencil in the box. When he tells the prof that he doesn’t drink, prof tells him to come along anyway, that it’s a nice bar but he’s embarassed to go alone.
Ran is a little slow on the uptake at the club as well, “Strange, there are no women…” He orders an iced tea and excuses himself to the restroom where he finally puts two and two together. “A ‘homo club’!” (the Japanese voice actor is hiliarious in this scene, I don’t know if it’s meant to be funny).
Prof slips a roofie in Ran’s drink while he’s in the can. (The dude in the pink shirt and ascott in this scene is entirely too fey…) When Ran passes out from the drug, prof is all over him- Ran calls out for Enjoji… Snap cut to Enjoji sitting in bed eating Bon-Bons. (Komedy!
Back at the club, a guy shows up and kicks the pervy prof’s ass. Ran calls out to the mysterious figure, “Stop it Sagano!” It is apparently a former member of Ran’s fencing team, Kei Sagano.
Enjoji is pissed when he hears what happened, and seems to recognise Kei’s name. When they go to bed, Ran is still sick from the roofies and doesn’t want to get intimate.
Next day at school, Enjoji is looking for pervy prof, who didn’t show up. He does, however run into Kei, who reveals that he blames Enjoji for the accident that cost Ran his fencing career.
Enjoji looks through some old photos to find something- he reveals to Ran that Kei is his half brother.
Ran meets with Kei to thank him for saving him, and also to tell him not to blame Enjoji. He tells Kei that he loves Enjoji, which really upsets Kei… Kei reveals that he is in love with Ran, that he took up fencing to be near him, that he quit when Ran was unable to compete. Ran slaps him, and basically calls him a wuss for giving up fencing.
Kei challenges Enjoji to a fight. They meet to settle their differences, Kei with a sword, Enjoji with his fists. Enjoji gets cut a little, and reveals to Kei that Ran’s unfulfilled dream was to be national kendo champion, convincing Kei to get back into fencing. “You’re so dumb, do you want to make your rival into the strongest man in the country?”
Before the fight ends, some hoods hired by pervy prof show up. Prof is shocked when the two of them fight off a whole gang… even more shocked when they threaten to castrate him.
Post credits, Ran shows Enjoji a newspaper article about Kei entering the championship.
Episode 2
A plane lands in Tokyo, a red haired girl deplanes and runs into two strange men who her friends inform her are Yakuza.
Meanwhile, at Yakuza HQ, Kei messes a bunch of stuff up and runs away to Tokyo. He shows up at Ran and Enjoji’s place, insisting they let him stay. This is, of course, an uncomfortable living situation.
When Enjoji leaves for work, it is revealed that he is an “escort” at a host club. He comes home reeking of alcohol, with strange women’s lipstick smeared on his face. Ran doesn’t like it when Enjoji is drunk, but eventually they make love… until Enjoji passes out!
Next day, Ran gets a phone call from the red haired girl and they plan to meet. Kei overhears this and tries to convince Enjoji that Ran is having an affair. “A girl? Rediculous.” But Enjoji is bothered, and they follow Ran- spying on him in a classic anime comedy montage.
When Ran meets with the red haired girl, they embrace. Kei is upset, but Enjoji remains stone faced. “We just caught the evidence of Ranmaru’s affair!” Enjoji just replies, “it’s his sister.” Komedy!
A long montage of Kei wandering the city, looking at happy couples follows. When Kei goes to a video arcade, it’s the perfect time for a gratuitous Gamera cameo. (This was produced by Daiei).
Kei decides to leave the guys alone, after much moping and talking to Masa, his Yakuza guardian for many years.
The actual show was pretty good, quite funny in parts. Fake was overall a slightly better show, but if you want to see guy on guy cartoon action- first of all you should be ashamed of yourself , but this show has more of the mildly homoerotic content (It is definitely not in the league of the infamous tentacle porn, but some very non-explicit sex does take place). The presentation of the US DVD leaves a lot to be desired.
Day of the Animals aka Something is Out There
Starring: Leslie Nielson!!! SPOILERS!!!
It is the not so distant future. The ozone has been depleted. This logically causes animals to go insane and attack people! And a group doing a survival hike is trapped in the mountains with dozens of killer animals! Luckily, the animals are only crazy about 5000 feet, so they need to get down the mountain fast. But that doesn’t stop the bears, wolves, mountain lions, vultures, hawks, and dogs from attacking! The hike leader, Steve, must keep his group from panicking as animals draw closer and closer, then start attacking the camp. When someone’s wife is injured, they are sent to the Ranger station, but killer birds eat the wife, and hubby runs off, finding a blonde girl that says little, much like Newt in Aliens, except that movie was actually scary. Anyway, hubby eventually becomes snakefood. the hikers have a fight, and ad salesman Leslie Nielson decides to lead a group to the Ranger station and not off the mountain. Those that go with him are in for a bad surprise, as here is Leslie as you have never seen him, shirtless, yelling at women, then declares “i take what i want, and now i want that!” while pointing to a girl in the group. Her boyfriend challenges, so Nielson KILLS HIM! then he goes to rape the girl, but a bear attacks, so Nielson wrestles it (or, a man in a bear suit). Leslie going psycho was the only scary part of the film. (but it was VERY VERY scary)
Meanwhile, in town, the local sherrif is attacked by flying rats in his house, and must help evacuate the town. Until he becomes snakebait. Steve and what is left of the campers lose members to a pack of dogs, then float downstream. Suddenly, all the crazy animals die. then the narrator talks about a “virus” the couldn’t survive once the ozone layer REGREW (WTF???) so all the animals died. Except for a hawk. The End.
Was seen on the only 35mm print left in existance! 5/10 quality, 9/10 mocktacular
Pretty Maids All in a Row
Starring: Rock Hudson, Angie Dickinson, Telly Savalas, Roddy McDowall
Written by Gene Roddenberry (yes, THAT Gene Roddenberry)
Ponce is a sexually frustrated high school student, somewhere where no girl wears bras and all wear miniskirts. His new substitute teacher is Miss Smith (Angie Dickinson) who gives him an erection, causing him to dash to the bathroom, where he finds a dead girl. Principal Roddy McDowall can’t understand, because the girl had such high marks. Meanwhile, Rock Hudson is the Guidance Counseler, and is busy “Counseling” one of the many young high school ladies he “counsels” throughout the film. Luckily, inspector Telly Savalas is on the case! Go Kojak! And he is assisted by none other than Scotty! James Doohan is on the case, and speaking with his normal voice! Sadly, Kojak ands Scotty don’t prevent more girls from getting offed, or Hudson from scoring more underage tail, or Ponce from getting it on with Miss Smith, or all the 60’s new age 60’s-ness that this film is soaked in. I’m not sure if it was supposed to be a mystery who the killer is, it is fairly obvious. Fills it’s job as a sex film, but fails in the comedy part of sex comedy. 5/10
I’ve been busy…
A group of Asian-American teens get bored with their suburban perfect student lives and begin to turn to scams as an escape. This eventually leads to bigger crimes and bigger problems until everything meets in a dangerous climax. Ben Manibag is the perfect student, straight A’s, employee of the month, doing whatever he can that looks good on a college app. His friend is Virgil, the other smart kid, who is also porn obsessed. Virgil’s cousin Han is also part of the gang, and together they do small time rip offs at electronics stores. They then meet up with Daric, who is president of every club in the school and writes a newpaper article about Ben only making the basketball team because he is Asian. Daric then gets Ben to start making cheatsheets, and Virgil and Han soon join in as well. They move up from this to bigger and bigger scams.
Ben gets noticed by Stephanie, a cheerleader, who also happens to be dating a superrich guy, who gets Ben to take Stephanie to dances and other “superficial stuff.” Ben and his friends start getting into drug dealing and major theft, while using their perfect student roles as cover. Eventually things come to a head (as things like that tend to do) and bad things happen.
A good flick, entertaining and refreshing to see Asians cast in roles other than random reporter/doctor/massuese/nerd. If you are worried about the movie being nothing but asian culture left an right than you have nothing to fear, the story could be told with any group of kids. The ending is pretty good as well, and fitst he tone with the rest of the movie (i won’t reveal it here). See it. 8/10