I’m pretty newly single, and I’m not sure I’m ready to be dating anyone yet. But - there’s this guy at work who has caught my eye. He’s cute (in an unconventional way), but he’s really caught my attention due to his work ethic and quiet leadership. He seems to be always taking care of things and he’s trusted to solve all kinds of problems. I’ve talked to him a little bit a couple of times, and he seemed to be interested in talking to me, but he’s shy. I’ve noticed that he’s very busy with work, and I don’t have many work-related reasons to talk to him.
So I think it’s fine to have a little crush on this guy, and do nothing - that’s probably the safest course. I worry about office romances and I do like the organization that I work for. But I’ve been wondering about whether I should make some effort to try to talk to him. In general, the women and men are more or less separate social circles at my workplace, so that dynamic combined with his shyness makes it seem like it might be a bit of a challenge. Right now I don’t know if cute guy and I have anything in common other than a strong commitment to the organization that we work for.
Shy guys do like attention from cute girls, but they really hate being the object of everyone’s attention. If you like him, great! But go slow, be friendly, and don’t put him on the spot. If he’s really shy, he’s hypersensitive to what someone might think or say about him. Think of everything you’ve heard about the fragile male ego, and triple that.
But remember - office relationships can be tough. If you want to date him, check out office policy or rules first, and keep in mind that one of you may have to quit at some point if the rules require it. Also - office e-mail is NOT private. Get a yahoo or gmail account. Even those might be seen, though.
Oh, yeah, and you can’t hide this sort of thing from everyone. Sooner or later, someone will find out.
I would say an office romance is not a terribly good idea. Most dates and such don’t last long and you wind up having to see the person every day.
If you work in serperatd areas fine. Also if you are just starting to date again, this shy guy is probably so attractive, 'cause he doesn’t do anything. Shy people sit quiet and don’t say much, so in your mind you can subconsciously mold him into what you want.
Bearing all this in mind and acting in a resonable way, should you try to start up a conversation? Absolutely.
Life is too short to waste a lot of time because you’re scared. And even if the worst happens, you date him, hate him and have to see him everyday, so what? So it’s not a nice thing, but let’s face it, if that’s the worst of your problems, you should count yourself blessed.
As Sheena Easton says:
“If you love somebody you let them know
'Cause there ain’t a lot time before it will snow”
And if you do come back and start fill us in on the details
Yeah, I guess I knew it was probably not a good idea to act on this. Plus, cute guy mostly keeps to himself, so it would be really obvious to my co-workers if he and I became friends at the office. (Any interactions would be face-to-face rather than by email or inter-office IM.) I’m thinking it would be OK to talk to him a little bit, but probably leave it at that. I’m still open to other input, though.
I’ve known people whose office romances led to marriage. I’ve known others that led to A Mess. Best I can say is, don’t romance anyone in your line of command (superior or inferior), and be cautious if you have to work alongside them. You need to be able to put distance between you if the romance ends.
Someone you see in the caf but who otherwise works in a distant department and you never need to see them in the course of your job would be ideal.
I should have clarified that we work in different departments, and we aren’t in any superior/inferior command relationship in the organization. I would never think of even going there, actually. On the negative side, though, there’s enough physical proximity that I usually see him every day, although we are usually busy when the other passes by so there’s minimal to no interaction.
I don’t think there’s any harm in trying to strike up a friendship with him. I disagree with the idea that it’s never a good idea to date someone you work with. Certainly if one person is in a position of power over another, or if you work very closely, it’s not appropriate. However, there are precious few places to meet potential partners, and a lot of us spend a great deal of time at work. I don’t think simply working for the same company in the same building is enough of a reason to completely rule out a workplace romance.
superior/inferior? While I know I have “superiors” in terms of authority at work, at worst I consider myself subordinate, but never “inferior.”
Also, I am one example of a work relationship that turned into marriage. We were also in different deprtments, so the risks were lower, but neither of us was particularyly shy.
Enjoy the crush, and let it make work fun. Don’t count on it though; the moment something happens negatively, the crush is over and boom, work isn’t so fun.
Milk it and let things go naturally.
I’m dating a cute, shy co-worker. He’s a supervisor, even, though not mine directly. Like you with your boy, I was drawn to my SO’s competence. I think we both like the fact that we’re compatible personally as well as professionally. Seeing each other at work is a nice mood-booster, and it’s nice to be able to vent about work to someone who understands completely and needs no background explained.
I’d say whether pursuing a co-worker is a good idea depends both on the company you work for and you as individuals. My company doesn’t seem to have a policy; if it does, it’s unenforced, as we have many couples. Some are open, and so far they all have been mature enough to not be obnoxious or unethical about it. Still, you do need to keep in mind that many bad things could happen: management could use it against you, it could taint your career and reputation, he may go psycho, you might have a spectacular public meltdown. So I say proceed, but with caution.
So - what? You can’t grab coffee? Men and women at work can find topics of common interest - work, sports, geek stuff, what have you - and discuss them…
I would not advise dating at work. I dated a shy polite guy from work. After a year I found out he was bisexual and cheating on me in both directions. I didn’t out him but I just felt sick every time I passed him at work. This guy is brilliant and writes code for some of the largest companies in the world.
You need to ask yourself if you can handle it if it doesn’t work out. Some people can work with their ex’s and some can’t and remain professional. One of the people he was cheating on me with was a man I had to see almost daily and it was very odd to say the least.
Yeah, I’ve always worked in male-dominated fields and I know how to socialize with men at work. I was interested to see how many people would say, “definitely no” to interest in someone at the office, and how many would say to take it slowly and see what happens. The only added complication here is that this man doesn’t seem to really chat much with anyone, and so far we’ve only talked about work, which seems like a find place to start. I’m not too invested in the idea of pursuing him, but at some point I should check the company policy about dating, as suggested above.
Sid, ignore all these black-hearted old fuddy-duddies. Love doesn’t pay attention to things like professional proximity, or even geography. Go strike up a conversation, ask him out for a coffee or lunch or a drink or to join your Thursday night D&D or to come over and watch hockey or whatever. Also, be sure to report back often and thoroughly with updates for our collective vicarious enjoyment.
Look into your workplace’s dating policy, and ask the guy to join you for lunch sometime. Get to know him a little better, and see if you guys have any mutual interests. Worst case scenario is that he becomes uninteresting, but you have the potential for a work buddy or a steady date/relationship. If you’re going to make a move, do it under the guise of getting to know the person better and not in purely pursuing a relationship-- the guy may already be attached, or you may find that you two are better compatible as a platonic set.
Heh.