Over 95% of shark attacks occur within three feet of a shark.
Al Quedah has hacked into the Pentagon’s computer system.
They are instructing the drones to drop bombs on uninhabited wasteland areas.
President Obama has abdicated…but the new President (Joe Biden) doesn’t know how to assume the duties of president.
100% of grizzly bear attacks are survivable. The secret is: don’t get attacked by a grizzly bear.
List of coincidences between Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy:
Both were Presidents of the United States.
Both won the elections they ran in.
Both lived in Washington, D.C. during their presidencies.
Both lived in the White House during their presidencies.
They were both married.
They were both natural born citizens and therefore constitutionally eligible to run.
They were both over 35 years old when they took office.
They were both over 35 years old when they died.
They were both male.
They were both members of major political parties, both of which still exist today.
Both had policies that affected many Americans.
Both traveled outside of D.C. during their presidencies.
They both had formal debates with their opponents.
Both died at some point in their lives.
Both of their deaths were major news when it happened.
They were born in consecutive centuries and served in consecutive centuries.
Both had views on major issues.
They both had said the line “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.” before taking office.
They both had Vice Presidents.
They were both attacked by their opposing candidates during their campaigns.
America had diplomatic relations with many major nations during both of their presidencies.
They both had a president serve before them.
They both had a president serve after them.
They both served between the George Washington and Barack Obama presidencies.
They were both elected in a year divisible by four.
They were both inaugurated the year after they were elected.
It was winter when they were both inaugurated and therefore below 80 degrees at their swearing in.
They were both elected in November.
They both held up their right hands and placed their left hands on a Bible while being sworn in.
Both passed laws.
Both were formally elected by the Electoral College.
President Obama has fathered two black daughters.
In the early 20th century a German-Belgian inventor came up with an idea for a car that could in theory get much better gas mileage by incorporating a “hybrid” system with both a gasoline engine and an electric motor. Early hybrids had various technical limitations, but after decades of research and experimentation by companies in several countries and some key technical breakthroughs, hybrid vehicles are now widely commercially available and make up a growing segment of the market for passenger cars and light trucks.
A woman dreamed that her son was in a terrible car accident. She was awakened by the phone ringing. It was a telemarketer.
On May 5, 2000, all of the visible planets were more-or-less aligned with each other, as seen from Earth. Because they were all on the other side of the Sun, we couldn’t really see them. Nothing particularly notable happened as a result.
A scientist invented a car that runs on water. There was some initial interest but the results could not be replicated.
Scientists have confirmed that on December 21, 2012, there will be a global shift from one season to another.
My cousin’s best friend’s sister’s uncle answered a classified ad for a vintage 1956 Thunderbird for sale for only $100. It was in mint condition except for a horrible smell that the owner couldn’t get out. Turned out that the original owner became severly depressed after his wife died, parked the car in a barn, and mice had gotten in.
It’s impossible to get pregnant the first time you play sax.
Dave Barry’s version: “It was a state trooper reminding her that she didn’t have a son.”
In a philosophy class, the final exam essay prompt was simply “Why?” One student just wrote “Because” and handed it in. This essay did not earn a passing grade because it did not have a complete thesis statement nor follow the 5 paragraph format as given on the course syllabus.
You cannot get AIDS by standing on a phone book.
Every now and then, a woman is born with extremely soft gums in her vagina and gives the best sex. Vagina Gum-tata.
My daughter and I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the “Neiman-Marcus Cookie”. It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown “I’m afraid not.” Well" I said, “would you let me buy the recipe?”
With a cute smile, she said YES". I asked how much and she responded, “Only two fifty, it’s a great deal!” I said with approval, “just add it to my tab”… Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, “Cookie Recipe - $250.00”. That’s outrageous!!!
I called Neiman’s Accounting Dept. and told them that the waitress said it was “two-fifty,” which clearly does not mean “two hundred and fifty dollars” by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase.
The Accounting Dept. said, “You moron. You actually think we sell $20 SCARVES here? There’s your two-fifty right there. The $20 was your salad and the $9.95 was your iced tea. I see we didn’t actually charge you for either the cookies or the recipe. Never shop here again.”
Women, you should watch out for a strange man who approaches you with a cut-price offer on expensive scent. It’s utter garbage actually worth about $1 per gallon, and the best you can say about it is that it has no fast-acting anaesthetic properties whatever.
The food industry is putting chemicals in our food to make us eat more of it. These chemicals are contributing to the obesity epidemic. Some of these chemicals are called “salt,” “sugar,” “high fructose corn syrup,” and “fat”.
Ur not doin it rite.
During the height of the Cold War, the Eisenhower administration advanced the building of the interstate highway system. Primarily to promote interstate commerce. Certain long straight sections were added every so many miles because the terrain allowed for such easy building.
Rod Stewart passed out on stage during a concert in the seventies. They pumped his stomach at the hospital and concluded bad shellfish and dehydration were the likely culprits.