OK, that one nearly made me snort red wine out my nose. It would not have been pretty.
A joke my son thought up when he was 11:
How do German composers make decisions?
They draw Strauss.
And on another note:
An orchestra conductor has a hugely important concert coming up, and three days before the big event, the principal trumpet player is in a car accident and will be out for weeks. The conductor is desperate to find another trumpet player, and someone recommends to him a jazz trumpeter.
The conductor says, “Over my dead body!” But he can’t find anyone else so he hires the jazz trumpeter, who proceeds to show up on time, well-prepared for every rehearsal, and plays beautifully and attentively.
On the eve of the big concert, the conductor approaches the trumpeter to apologize. "You’re a real asset to the orchestra. I harbored all sorts of narrow-minded prejudices about jazz musicians before I hired you. Your professionalism and musicianship have awed me. "
The trumpeter replies, “Hey, it’s the least I could do for you since I have a gig tomorrow night.”
Two drums and a cymbal go over a cliff.
Ba-dum tsh!
Q: One sees the conductor and the viola section walking across the road. Whom do you run over first?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
The trombonist for a band hired to play a Christmas party doesn’t show up for the gig. The bandleader calls all over town and finally finds a substitute at the last minute. The substitute trombonist is phenomenal. He blows them all away with his incredible performance. After the gig, the bandleader says to the trombonist, “Man, you were fantastic. Could you come back and play with us at next year’s Christmas party?”. The trombonist replies, “Sure. Is there somewhere here that I can leave my trombone until then?”
I don’t get it. He rewards the conductor because he has another gig tomorrow?
The trumpeter was playing especially professionally for the conductor to make up for the fact that he’s not going to be at the concert because he has a gig at the same time.
Musicians, particularly jazz and rock musicians, are not known for reliability. The joke says that this conversation happened on the *eve * of the concert. So the trumpet player was saying, “Hey man, it’s the least I could do since I’m going to blow off your concert to go to a different gig tomorrow.”
What is the secret chord of David?
Gsus
::Raises hand:: My turn, I don’t get it.
Great thread BTW.
Oh fer cry-yi! I came in here just to post this one! :smack:
My all time favorite involves the relatively uncommon yet much maligned bass saxophone:
Q. What’s the difference between a bass saxophone and a garbage truck?
A. One is a big, heavy, noisy, roaring, rattling hunk of junk.
The other is a motor vehicle used for trash collection.
I would presume that the trombonist wants to know if there’s some place he can leave his trombone because he doesn’t expect to have to use it until he plays for them next Christmas.
Why do drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard?
So they can park in the disabled spaces.
I must be more of a music theory geek than most, but I don’t get this - does it require some knowledge of Schenker or the opening bars of Beethoven’s 9th?
If you are a music theorist conducting the opening bars of one of the greatest works ever, the 9th (Da Da Da DAAAAAH), then hearing the opening notes of Three Blind Mice (Mi Re Do) instead would be a bit of a shock, eh?
Unless there is some other interpretation, I don’t think it’s all that funny, but what do I know, I’m just an out of work musician. 
Isn’t Da Da Da Daaaaah the opening of the 5th?
As a former bari sax player, I certainly appreciate this one…
Yep. The 9th is a little more drawn out and less conducive to reduction to 'Da’s. Still, a good joke.
Nope, the opening of the 5th is more of a crunching and spinning sound followed by a pouring sound and a sipping sound.
Oh, you’re a corker…