I was perusing a box of saltines today whilst noshing on some decadent soup. I like buttered saltines with a bowl of spicy soup, so sue me.
Anyway, I noticed a few things that I’d like answers to, or at least some outlandish opinions on:
This first item is something I’ve noticed on many, many products over the years and really never thought about before. On the cracker box there is a photo of a bowl of soup with some saltines artfully scattered next to it. At the bottom of the photo is a disclaimer: “Suggested Serving”. Is this really necessary? Is there anybody who is familiar with the whole genus crackerus who doesn’t understand that you can eat them with a bowl of soup? Other than using them to put cheese on, isn’t that the entire raison d’etre of saltines? Is there a law requiring manufacturers to make sure that people don’t just open the box and stuff the entire contents up their asses or try to shingle their roofs with them?
I noticed that after the word “Saltines” on the box, there is a small circle with the letter “U” inside, followed by a “D” (no circle). What do these mean? Uncredible? Unedible? Grade ‘D’?
On the front of the box is proudly displayed the dietary information, which includes the serving size of 5 crackers. The photo next to it shows the bowl of soup with a pile of 8 crackers. It seems the message is “Here, you slob; we know you can’t control your appetite, which is why you’re a disgusting fatbody. We only put that shit on the box because the damned gubmit makes us do it, but you and we both know that you’re going to eat the entire package (probably with butter), because we design them so that once you open it, it’s impossible to close up again and it’s going to go stale in about ten minutes, bwa-ha-ha!”
As far as I understand it, the label ‘serving suggestion’ means “the actual product might not look as nice as it does in this picture, but you can put it on this kind of plate” - thus relieving the manufacturer from being legally obliged to make the product appear as lovely as it does in the marketing photos.
The suggested serving note must be there to tell people that the soup does not come in the box with the crackers. Really. The OUD symbol is the orthodox union kosher dairy symbol. And the 8 crackers in the picture is just the design aesthetics and is not related to the serving size.
Which raises another question: is the circle around the U meant to represent a letter O (for “Orthodox”)? Or is it just a circle, like the one around the C in the “copyright” symbol or the R in the “registered trademark” symbol?
Entirely too sensible and no fun at all. My wife also suggested that it may be because the soup doesn’t come in the box, but that seems just too stupid to be true, as the box clearly says “Saltine Crackers”, not “Soup and Crackers, Bowl Included”. I hold out hope that at least a few Americans have not had all their brain cells fried by their cell phones, although a recent Nissan commercial contained the disclaimer that “Cars cannot be used as snowboards”, clearly fearing that some dipshit would try it.
See, now that’s just wrong. Calling something “Unsalted Saltines” disturbs the very fabric of the universe. They should more properly be called “Cardboard Squares That Make You Choke”. The serving suggestion could be a photo of someone dumping the package into the toilet.
Out of curiosity, I looked at a couple of items in my larder.
A can of Campbell’s Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, showing it in a bowl, along with spoonful being held. No serving suggestion notice, so perhaps they figure people will realize that there’s likely no bowl, spoon or hand inside the can. But you never know, especially about body parts. They did feel it necessary to put “Soup” in small letters near the bottom of the label, just in case you picked the can up in the vitamin section.
Can of white beans: Beans in a bowl, with a sprig of. . .something. . .for garnish. “Serving Suggestion”; so sorry, sprigophiles, and no bowl for you, either.
What, you didn’t look for the dirty words that are supposedly secretly written into the crackers pictured on the box? When we were kids, during grocery shopping trips my sister and I always went straight to the cracker aisle to see how many fs,shs, and g***mns we could find. If we used our imaginations we sometimes found a couple.
