OK, we’ve all seen the “WARNING: May contain nuts” on a bag of nuts.
But yesterday I bought a bag of nuts which had a rather more cryptic message:
CONTAINS NUTS. MAY CONTAIN OTHER NUTS.
Uh huh. They were right, too, because after I’d removed and eaten some nuts, blow me down if there weren’t some other nuts right there, hiding underneath. Luckily, because I was forewarned, I coped with the situation just fine.
Close call. Glad you came out OK.
I’m tearing up here 
That is fargin’ hill-are-ee-oos.
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen “Peanut Butter Cookies – may contain nuts”.
“remove shell before consuming nutmeats”
It’s for people who are deathly allergic to peanuts. Although some of them are a wee bit obvious, such as your examples. I have the opposite problem though.
I’m not sure if this is a hijack or not, but what the hell is the point of artificial crabmeat if it has real crabmeat in it too? It’s not like this is just one brand either, in fact it’s the opposite. I have only found one brand (Louis Kemp if you want to know) of artificial crabmeat that doesn’t list crabmeat as an ingredient. That seriously pisses me off because I’m allergic to shellfish and some of these products don’t even say “With real crab!!” on them and unless you take the time to read the ingredient list you’d never know.
I think the point of artificial crab meat is not to provide an alternative to people allergic to shellfish, but to provide an alternative to people who can’t afford real crab.
I buy artificial crab meat on occasion when I make my crab-stuffed mushroom caps. It’s made with Alaskan Pollock (and, as far as I know, nothing else) and it works pretty well in recipes where crab is not the primary (or even foremost) flavour.
I tend to buy the store-branded stuff 'cos it’s cheapest and works just as well.
Maybe there was an accident at the factory that involved a certain worker’s genetalia?
I try and beat the kosher issue with fake crab.
I’m always amused by the messages on frozen dinners warning that, after being heated in the oven or microwave, "FOOD WILL BE HOT!"
I have that printed on my disposable coffee cup lid:
CAUTION: CONTENTS HOT
Good thing I didn’t put iced coffee in that. I’d be pissed when I got to work.
I’ve always treasured the warning on a box of shredded wheat: “ALLERGEN WARNING: CONTAINS WHEAT INGREDIENTS”. Like the the standard warning on Nytol sleeping pills – “May cause drowsiness” – it invites the reply “I should damn well hope so.”
The best “pointless” label I ever saw was on the bottom of a box of Mars Miniatures from the UK: “Do not read while box is open.” 
That one has always bugged me. It must be there because, somewhere, sometime, someone was surprised that their food was hot when it came out of the microwave oven and they got singed. Which sets my mind to trying to puzzle out what that person thought he was putting the food into the microwave for in the first place. Was he just blindly following directions? " ‘Microwave on HIGH for 3 minutes.’ Huh. I wonder … meh, whatever." I don’t know why, but it really worries me …
I can’t find a cite. A physician peeked into a bag of microwave popcorn for unpoped kernels…like he can’t afford it… and burned his eye.
BTW, I took one of the desiccant packages labeled “DO NOT EAT” away from the dog tonight.
Good thing you were there. I’m betting the dog can’t even read.
I found, on the paper wrapper of a hot-dog-stand tamale, the warning, “Paper wrapper is not edible.” I’m thinking if you are bright enough to know what “edible” means, you’re probably bright enough not to eat paper, even without a warning. Someone pointed out to me that “real” tamales are wrapped in corn husks and perhaps that’s where the confusion lay… except that corn husk wrappers aren’t edible either.
Saving money?
Or, what Mindfield said.
Well, if you follow the directions on most of those packages, you end up with a tray that’s way, way hotter than anything you could possibly want to eat when it comes out of the microwave. Of course it’s going to be hot–the warning is to remind you that it’s going to be painfully hot, not nice-hot-meal hot, and you should be wearing an oven mitt or something.
That one was made even worse by one brand of microwave popcorn (it may have been Merry Poppin’s, not sure). It read “Caution: Contents will be hot after heating”. What?! I am hoping they meant it as a protest against the regulation.
oh, and I forgot my new favourites: Cholesterol-free Salsa. Fat-free Jell-O. Sodium-free water. C’mon.
Dunnow, Sapo, I’ve been laughing at the “fat-free breakfast cereals” for a while.
That time I had to explain. Very. Slowly. To my SiL the doctor. Why the Spanish consumer’s union was suing over that label. Required me to show great restrain.
But at the end I did go a bit Sesame Street on her, I must admit. With her husband doing the chorus.
You think this is funny, but did you know that almost all foods for kids with fruit on the cover, or fruit in the name even, actually contain no fruit?
Where’s the warning label for “Contains no fruit”?