Warnings that products should have but don’t.
Share a product warning that some items should have on them.
Soy milk – Your not gonna like it. I tastes like wash water from a batch of gym clothes.
Chocolate bar – Do not take away from a feeding adult. They may bite if you try.
Gaucho pants: It doesn’t matter what your body type is. You will look fat, frumpy, and ridiculous in these pants. People will point at your ass and whisper.
Encino Man: Trust me, folks. You really don’t want to rent this one.
Diet Soda - drinking a diet soda instead of a regular soda will not offset the other 1500 calories you’re eating this meal and help you lose weight.
I heartily agree with that one.
Ladies compact - On the top when closed. - You may not like what you see.
Full length mirror - Objects seen in this mirror are to actual size. The manufacture is not responsible for the size and shape of objects viewed in this mirror.
Package of drinking straws - The use of this product for snorting coke is not an approved use by the manufacturer and voids all warranties. The Manufacturer is not liable for misuse of it’s products and resultant injury to others. By opening this package you agree to the above terms of use and take on all liability for it’s use.
McDonald’s- it’ll be tasty while you eat it, but 15 minutes later you’ll feel like crap.
Windows XP- now more bloated!
Pencil Sharpener: Not to be used as a masturbatory aid. (Actually, this could be used for all sorts of random stuff)
'You’re So Vain" by Carly Simone - This song is not about you.
Questionable fashion choice today at work: plaid gauchos.
Warning: Captain Crunch, although not nutritious at all, will fuck the roof of your mouth up. Especially if you have a second bowl.
On the subject of pants, for those baggy-ass jeans the kids (who should get the hell off my lawn) are wearing:
Warning: These pants will give you the appearance of being in dire need of a diaper change resulting in a net effect of people pointing and laughing – upwind and at a safe distance.
pumice stone -Do not use on genatalia.
Xbox - Don’t buy this for your husband unless you like him turning into a 7-year-old
Bacon - do not fry while naked.
Boeing 777 - Not intended for use while on a treadmill or other exercise equipment.
In the checkout line at my neighborhood nursery, I noticed a lady with a “Firecracker Fern.” http://almostedenplants.com/mall/Firecrackerfern.asp
I almost grabbed the plant from her hand & told her “no, don’t!” With graceful leaves, tiny berries & red flowers, it grows well in Houston. All too well. Full sun is recommended, but mine is in partial shade. It sends out shoots, which root. More firecracker ferns! Then, they send out shoots…
Cooler weather is best for strenuous garden tasks down here. Soon, I’ll be digging up 99% of the firecracker fern. (The ground is soft now, due to the recent downpours.) I’ll probably pot some of the extra plants for presents, or a garage/plant sale. However, I’ll include a warning with each plant.
This is because of an experience of my aunt, that was a public health nurse in the 80’s.
Raid bug spray - Do not spray on genitals. Product will give you a chemical burn and may result in skin loss.
I always loved that story.
Oh my God. Crabs? Scabies? Just generally looney?
I beg to differ. Five words: Brendan Fraser in a loincloth. Just turn it off after he gets dressed.
Hanging lamps/chandeliers: The manufacturer is not responsible if you fail to take into account the height of your tallest family member/frequent visitor when installing this lurking skull bludgeon.
… thought it was glitter spray?
Carpet Fresh - Warning! Do not walk on carpet in bare feet after using this product. Discontinue use if rash develops on feet.
Movie Popcorn - Warning: Do not eat for at least 1 week before visiting the dental hygenist. Unless you like bleeding gums.
Cell Phone: Not for use while intoxicated. Trust me.
Grape-Nuts Cereal: Do not try to pour the same size bowl of this that you do of your usual cereal. You won’t finish it, and if you do, you won’t shit for a week.
I think I may be the only Captain Crunch consumer who does not complain of this side effect.