Walgreens is a staple in my life. Not the drugstore itself, although tile and stucco could, concevably, make for a fiber rich and colon clensing diet. No, the baked goods counter is where the late night quick snack action is at. So, lo and behold, I go waltzing in to my local Walgreens, grab a liter of Mountain Dew and a pack of “Daddy Roy’s Low Fat Apple Bars.” A pound of Newton-like apple cakes for a buck. Yay, dinner and breakfast rolled into one fruity snack. I am pleased.
Fast foreward to about five minutes ago. I’ve ingested two of these bars, and while not being terribly bad, they are turning my stomach to mush. I can imagine the leader of the Stomach Cell Revolution standing on the podium screaming “We’ve endured MRE’s and hot A-rats, and what do we get? Nothing. We’ve endured McDonalds and Hardees, and what do we get? Nothing. Now we’ve endured ‘Daddy Ray’s Low Fat Apple Bars’ and comrades, we will endure no more!” right before he and his cellular cronies begin attacking my kidneys and spleen with sharp objects and homemade guns. I should have been more observent, true, but still…
First thing that is now getting to me is the packaging. It’s green tinted celluloid with a picture of ‘Daddy Ray’ on the front. Imagine ‘Panama Jack’ without the monicle, and a blazing red Amish-style beard. Under him are some faux ‘fruit bars’ in an even deeper green than the rest of the packaging. Right next to it is a blazing white 48 point “LOW FAT APPLE BARS.” Ok…they’re low fat. They taste it. My stomach has just overrun my liver and is now campaigning against my small-intestine. They know it too.
But please tell me why, next to the three inch by three inch “MADE WITH REAL FRUIT” ‘stamp’ do you have an equally large ARTEFICIALLY FLAVORED stamp? Yes, that is how its spelled on the package. Looking to the nutritional information and ingredients panel, I see that the ‘real fruit’ is LEMON FLAVORED FIG PARTS. LEMON? LEMON!? Its a fig pastry flavored with lemon being passed off as apple? I can’t believe this. I’ve seen ‘real fruit juice’ items which were made with apple (when ‘cranberry’,) grape (when cranberry) and lemon (when 'mango) but lemon flavored fig as apple? Give me, and my rioting stomach a break.
Next thing I notice about the package is right next to the ingredients label. Its kosher. I’m not Jewish, but I thought that kosher foods excluded such things as sulfer dioxide, gelatinized corn binder, ceratex corn flakes, and (tell me what this is?) locust bean gum? This can’t be legal, let alone healthy.
Well, my guerrilla stomach has decided to come to the negotiating table, as the Peptol-Bismol brigade has done its dirty work. Thanks for putting up with me!