and we’re wondering if there are any obvious common sense or etiquette things we might not be thinking about now.
The trip will take place over intersession. My son will travel alone by train or bus - about 150 miles - to meet up with them and they’ll be together for about three or four days.
For starters I’ll make sure he has enough cash to pay for everythings he needs. But then that leads to some questions. Should he offer to pay for all his meals? His museum admissions? Should he bring a gift? Should we insist on him paying for dinner one night? Should we call the parents and offer to give them some money to help defray motel costs, etc.?
For the record we are upper middle class, the friend’s family is lower middle class. So if his friencd were to travel with us I wouldn’t take a penny of his money. He could buy his own souveniers, but I’d insist on paying for everything else. But does the fact that they have less money than us change the rules?
Any thoughts, advice, memories would be appreciated.
I would send him off with enough money to completely pay his own way and not expect anyone to pay for anything. Then, he can be pleasantly surprised if the parents pony up for it all. If they do pay for his food and stuff then he should definitely pay for dinner one night.
It also wouldn’t hurt to give the parents a call and ask if they want any reimbursement for travel expenses. They might give you all the reason you need to not worry about it (“We were going to get another hotel room anyway” “Bringing along Son B is our gift to our son” “We’re delighted to have Son B along, don’t worry about it.” etc).
There is no basis for my suggestions other than gut feelings (not a parent, not a 15-year-old traveller).
Communication is a good thing. Call and discuss it with the parents.
"Aside from clothing, is there anything special he needs to bring? (swimming trunks, ski equipment, etc.)
“How much money do you think would be sufficient for him to bring?” (How they answer will answer your concerns about what expenses the other family will cover.)
Exchange phone numbers where you can both be reached during emergencies, as well as their itinerary.
Confirm they will pick your son up at x time and date.
Make them aware of any allergies, medical conditions, etc.
Check out about what they will need if your kid ends up in the hospital (medical power of attorney?) Make sure they have his insurance information with them.
Offer to pay for everything, don’t press for anything other than personal expenses if the offer is turned down. The rules are the same regardless of relative financial situations. If they turn down all offers - including “dinner will be on us one night” make sure to have your son send a gift of some sort (gift certificates to a pizza place or something) and thank you note when he returns (the thank you note, at least, should be done regardless).
My son periodically spends time with one of his best friends and his family that has moved kind of far away and this is pretty much the standard telephone exchange prior to his leaving (he’s usually gone for about a week).
I second this whole post. At 15, I don’t think a kid is expected to pay for much when taken under the wing of another family on vacation (this comes from experience, and I’m still quite close with the family who toted me around). Unless he’s like, Daniel Radcliffe. I’d have them over/take them out to dinner/a show at some point when everyone gets back to show appreciation.
And make sure he sends them a nice hand written “Thank You” note after the trip. Not an email. Not something done on the computer. Buy some nice notepaper or a “Thank You” card, write or add a personal note, and send it through snail mail.
I’d probably send my son with an envelope of money to cover dinner, and have him tell the family that his parents promised him he’d be beaten if he came home without using it as instructed.
But yeah, the phone call is a good idea. And then I’d probably still do the “buy them dinner OR ELSE” money on top of whatever else we worked out.
I’m curious about this trip–it sounds neat even though i don’t know much at all about it. As the parent of an only child I foresee “bring a friend” vacations in our future…we’re doing our first this weekend.
Tell the boy–“Under no circumstances should you have sexual relations with any person in that family when you are a guest. I don’t care how pretty and/or willing she is.
If you do, my son, I shall destroy you, if their menfolk don’t.”
I believe there’s a form that you can pick up at your local hospital that authorizes certain individuals to give permission for medical care for minors in their care. My parents used to fill these out when they left on business trips and abandoned me to the care of my oldest sister or my grandparents, just in case my appendix ruptured or I broke a leg.
My uncle and aunt learned the hard way that the Medical Authorization form was rather useless. Their son was involved in a life threatening car accident while they were vacationing. They had signed a medical consent form, which his older sister brought to the hospital. However, given that it wasn’t notarized and accompanied by a Medical Power of Attorney, they refused to do anything short of procedures necessary to save his life. It took them several hours to finally get ahold of my aunt and uncle, who were touring around Salem. Meanwhile, my cousin sat in considerable pain because they wouldn’t set his arm, etc., until they got the necessary faxed paperwork from his parents.
I’m not sure I’d be comfortable signing such a binding document and giving it to anyone that wasn’t my relative. But with the ubiquity of cell phones, I think it’s becoming less important to be so thorough.
Another thing that you may have to consider: Here in the U.S. a minor child cannot leave the country without the written consent of BOTH parents. So if your child will be crossing borders, you might want to check with that country’s consulate to see what documentation they will need.
Can you set up a joint bank account with an ATM for him? Its an easy way for you to get him just enough cash for what he needs without tempting him with an envelop[e of cash. You don’t want to be part of a conversation like:
“Broke? What do you mean you’re broke? What did you spend it on? What!? For Cripes Sakes, what did you think you’d need a remote controlled blimp for…?”
Alternately, when I was young and traveling about, my parents got an extra card from one of their joint credit cards, with my name on it. Our arrangement was that there were certain things it was OK to use that on and other things were not. So if I needed money I had it, but they could also very easily make sure I wasn’t buying remote-controlled blimps or fresh Latin American coke or anything of the sort.
All good advice, but I suggest making that call to the other parents and talk about his paying for his fair share in advance.
The problem with just giving him money - as you mentioned, you are somewhat better off financially and it could be embarrassing for the other parents if your kid is spending a lot on trinkets and food and other things, while the other kids are getting a small dish of ice cream as their major treat of the day. You don’t want him coming across as the “rich kid” in comparison.
Think how the other parents will feel if you son buys some item that the other kids all want, but that those parents cannot afford. Once maybe is ok - but if he is outspending those kids during the entire trip, it is going to make that entire family feel awkward.
I worked at a summer school for rich kids. The parents were told to send the pocket money to the school and they would dole it to the kids every week during the shopping excursions. The school also suggested what a fair amount would be - so even though those parents were millionaires, they were told to put the brakes on the amount of spending money to give to their kids. For the most part, it worked and no kid felt like they were unable to keep up with the other kids when it came time to buy souvenirs and hit the local fast food shops. Granted, a few kids had their own credit cards and bought Rolex watches and one even bought a Lamborghini and had it sent home, but that is another story.
