Well, that’s exaggerating. It’s more like, I want to be one but I am having huge issues with it. I want nothing more than to share his openness with him and join him for a day at the nudist camp but I just don’t think it’s in me.
I told him… let’s go (he never really asked me, I just wanted to show him that I’m trying to understand him more)… I even started to look forward to it.
Then… I started to get pissed off at the idea that he would WANT a bunch of naked old men to see me strip off my clothes and walk around strutting my stuff.
So, I’m very torn. I want to go really bad (for him) and then I’m mad that he wants me to go. The reason I want to go is that I’m afraid that our extremely different moral values in this area might lead to an eventual disaster in our relationship so I want to change those values. He’s really worth it but I don’t know how.
I DON’T want people to tell me not to change. I just want help in easing into it and somehow not being judgemental toward him or the others.
First off, I think it’s really great that you’re willing to lovingly and freely make such a big step for your partner. However I think the main issue is do you really want to do this for YOURSELF?
There’s nothing wrong with change, in fact I think changing yourself is the best way to grow…however if you are trying to force yourself to think a certain way because he is ‘worth it’ then I can’t see things working out for you.
Would he make such a big effort if your roles are reversed?
Anyway, all that done with, I think possibly the best way round this is to detatch yourself from the situation…try and consider things from an outside viewpoint. Yes you’re naked, but you are around people to whom nakedness is no big deal.
Let me get this straight… did you bring up this idea (of you joining him for a day at the nudist colony) or did he? It sounds like it was your idea, and now you’re having second thoughts.
you don’t want people to tell you NOT to change? From what into what?
You’re clearly really agitated about this. Take a breath, think it out, and tell us why.
I can’t tell you not to change but I will say that I don’t think nudist camps are as sexual as you may think they are. (I’ve never been to one but have exposed my breasts in St. Martin and no one – to my knowledge – even cared). Take care and I hope it turns out OK.
I have been very judgemental with him lately (with this and related issues) and I see it harming “us”. Sometimes… I know he’s a good guy who just thinks differently. Then, other times, I can’t believe MY boyfriend would think that, or be friends with her, or want to go there.
I’m annoyed with myself for getting so upset. I want to view these things with an open mind. Going to this place will force me to see things differently.
I WANT to change, from a judgemental close-minded girlfriend to one who can see outside her own world.
It makes a lot of sense Tster, but ask yourself this:
Are you just doing this to try and prove to him that you’re not this ogre you are viewing yourself as? Is this some kind of pennance?
If you’re gonna do something like this then I think it should be because it’s something you want to do just for the sake of doing, and not to prove anything to anyone…except maybe yourself?
There are better ways to mend a damaged relationship if that’s all that you want to get out of it…
Of course if you want to do this for the sake of experiencing it then crack on! I suggest maybe trying to find out a little more about the philosophy of nudist places…maybe ask your bf?
I have no easy answers for you. It could easily add to OR diminish your relationship with your bf. But you can be reasonably sure that it won’t damage YOU individually. You may enjoy it or not, but if you go in with eyes open (so to speak), it will just be another of life’s experiences that you may or may not choose to repeat. Like eating a exotic meal that doesn’t sound or look very appetizing. And you might or might not find some level of appreciating and understanding why your bf participates in this lifestyle.
You know, we are ALL judgemental to one degree or another. We must judge whether a certain thing is right for US. We run into a lot more trouble when we try to make that call for someone else.
I’m concerned that, assuming you do this, you will use the experience to further judge HIM rather than yourself. Don’t fall into that trap. OTOH, if he participates in a lot of things that make you uncomfortable (even after you’ve shared the experience with him), you must judge whether continuing the relationship is best for you. Don’t be afraid to make that call either. There are a lot of unhappy people who cling to fundamentally bad relationships because they fear to give it up.
What are your concern about doing this? I’ll tell you mine… As a guy, I’d be reluctant to participate on a couple of levels. One is that I have a pretty poor physical self-image, and would not relish showing off my body to others. Another is that I’d be afraid if I saw a very attractive naked woman, I would be unable to disguise my excitement. However, I don’t see nudism in and of itself as an evil lifestyle.
You’re right about possibly judging him more. There are other things sort of related to this that also bother me. I don’t want them to bother me. Yes, I wish he would just CHANGE but I am realistic in that he won’t. So, I will try to.
I don’t think, personally, I would be too embarrased to do it and I CERTAINLY don’t think it’s evil. I’m thinking (just a guess) that I can give or take it.
When I say it like I have been on this board… it is logical and makes sense. When I imagine him chatting it up with a naked lady while I’m at the tiki bar grabbing a drink, I burn inside. Part of it is simple jealousy I think. Part is that I think that sex/nudity/intimacy should be between two people (He swears that he wants no part of sharing actual sex) and he isn’t so private.
You don’t have to decide right now. Nudist colonies probably aren’t going away anytime soon. Wait until you want to do it – and then, only to broaden yourself and your experiences. You might try a topless beach first.
Don’t blame your boyfriend for going along with your idea. Maybe he was trying to please you.
You have a real problem re: “I don’t want them to bother me.” IOW, you are uncomfortable with your own emotional responses to certain situations.
I’ve never really gotten around this one myself. There are a lot of things that bother me that shouldn’t. The most important thing to do when things bother you is to think about them carefully, identify your emotional response, and compare it against a consciously created model of how you think you SHOULD respond. Then try and strike a balance in your behavior (how the outside world will perceive your response).
It’s a very difficult thing, and many (maybe most) people never achieve this. Many never even try. The fact that you’re aware that your own reactions MAY be inappropriate speaks very well of you.
I know for a fact that as I grow and learn, my opinions change. This is one that I want to really bad. Sort of similar to my distress every time I get jealous.
The main thing about naked people is that they don’t have any clothes on.
The main thing about you is that you’re you and that isn’t going to change any time soon.
If I get into situations where I wonder if what I’m about to do is going to cause me to have a problem with me, I generally give myself a free pass and go with it. If I wonder, mind. If I know I will have a problem with it, I don’t do it. If I do it, there’s nothing saying I have to do it again if I don’t like it.
I dunno. I really admire you for wanting to try. I think it’s a tough situation and not many people would want to see things from the other perspective.
I have gone to nudist clubs, beaches, etc. People tend not to care if you are naked or clothed. Part of the ideology of nudism is that when you are clothed you are judged on your clothes, social standing, and barrier personality rather than being judged on who you are as a person.
I am not a psychologist but I think part of your jealousy stems from the distrust of your boyfriend. If you know that he is going to be faithful to you no matter what, why is there a need to be jealous when he is talking to another woman clothed or not? Nudism typically isn’t about sexuality it is about freedom.
Dork, your last sentence I think sums it up. I need to not think of it in a sexual way. That’s why I think going MIGHT help.
I also disagree in that sometimes jealousy is not about trust at all. I am mildly jealous of women I know he will never even meet, because they are so close in other ways, although not sexually. Some of these women have low morals, in my opinion, yet he’s friends with them.
Your response is actually what I was looking for. Thanks.
This kind of bothers me a bit. If you want to change for you, that’s fine and dandy. But to want to change for him…it won’t last, and you will end up resenting him for it.
It’s okay if you have different values. There’s nothing wrong with that. But to force yourself into a situation where you’re uncomfortable just to please someone else is counter-productive. Perhaps instead of trying to change yourself, you might consider looking for someone whose values are more closely aligned with yours.
There’s nothing wrong with nudism. It’s just not for everyone. I would not want to go to a naturalist camp, but I would not fault someone who did. I would, however, feel uncomfortable if I felt I was being pressured into going.
I think you need to take a look at the bigger picture here, and figure out while you’re so hot to change for him instead of looking for someone more compatible.
[sup]You just thought I wasn’t watching. hehehe[/sup][/ul]