Not much of a rant really.
I came home and found I had left my TV on. There is an infomercial on, and I have no idea what the product is. But for the last 15 minutes I’ve been listening to the impressive bowel movement testimony of users of product X. From the rave reviews of their shits, apparently my leavings are just not up to par. I had no idea that I was under such pressure to produce quality when I drop a duece, and from the descriptions mine are sadly lacking. I really feel sad for the target audience(whoever that is) that is sitting at home ready to charge their card to improve their cable laying results. And I damn well know they wouldn’t bother buying the commercial if there wern’t people ready to improve the girth and viscosity of their logs.
I guess among the many realities of life I have come to accept, such as the admission I will never make the major leagues, and I will never skate the Stanley cup, apparently I now have to grudingly accept the fact will never make fudge as well as other commited devotees of the art.
Ohhhh. Did they include the “fact” that John Wayne had 40 lbs of impacted waste in his bowels when he died? I always love that one.
“Wow! Y’know it says here that by the time the average American is 50, he’s got fve pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.”
“Why are you telling me this? What makes you think I have any interest in that at all?”
“Well…you eat a lot of red meat.”
This reminds me of spam I used to get advertising some product that was supposed to increase the amount of my ejaculation by something like 432 percent, or some other ridiculously precise amount. Unless I plan on hanging wallpaper and making my own paste (or feeding a lot of fish) I’m not sure I see the point.
whew! I’m a vegetarian! 5 pounds less right of the bat.
i was on South Beach Diet last year an they suggested switching cereals from my trusty Wheaties to Fiber One. A bowl of that stuff and you won’t need the stuff in the OP, believe me.
Here’s Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Kellogg, in the movie The Road to Wellville, discussing healthy bowel movements:
“My own are gigantic, with no more odor than a hot biscuit!”
That line has really stayed with me. Especially when I order biscuits at Cracker Barrel.
I went to see the road to wellvill the evening after my barium enema…simply because in the trailers I saw the scene with the line about the yoghurt room and 15 gallons of yoghurt.
I swear, radiology ran me through every machine they could as a training aid for their rad techs=\ I had barium in places I didnt even know I had=\
for a quick update on the asthetics of my BMs.
Yesterday I bought a bag of red dyed pistachios. And after a moment of panic while taking care of business this morning, I noticed that it had a very pleasent redwood-dye color. Among the prettiest shits I have ever seen.
Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back. 
Y’all wouldn’t believe the thunderous crap I took this morning. Damn thing loomed out of the water like Nessie.
Although nobody has taken credit for it yet, I would like to give props to whoever left the amazing bowl winder that was in the bathroom at work this morning. I would assume that whoever did heave that mammoth Havana has been purchasing products from late night infomercials.
[John Stewart]
Nurse, get my sketch pad. You, sir, are going on my fridge!
[/JS]
Dear sirs,
Please charge my credit card $19.95 for your product, but only if you guarantee future shats will test the very limits of just how far apart my sphincter O-ring can be stretched. If after taking a dump I don’t sit back exhausted and think “Goddamn, I think I just shit a motorcycle helmet with a visor” then I’ll understandably expect double my money back.
Yours truly,
Ms. Eunice Gutrumble