My boyfriend's twisted logic

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Welcome to the Male Mind™. Allow me to explain:

You asked when he would be free, and he said between 8 and 10. So, you told him to call you then. Ah, but what registered in the Male Mind™ was not “I want you to call me between 8 and 10” but “call me when you are free” (bet you weren’t even aware that that was what you said, were you? Ha!). As a result, he was in fact doing exactly what you told him to do, and cannot fathom why you’d be upset.

To avoid this next time, as others have said, give a specific time. “Okay, call me at 8:45” (the more specific you are, the more likely he is to pay attention). That will place in the Male Mind™ one of its favorite things: A Task. The Male Mind™ loves to have Tasks to accomplish. He will then rearrange his schedule to accommodate the phone call he must make.

If you have any more inquiries into the workings of the Male Mind™, call me at 9:17.

42

mnemosyne: One more thing I have to ask–are you sure you specified between 8pm and 10pm? Because if you weren’t super-specific, he may have thought “between 8 & 10? Okay, that means between 8pm and 10am. I can deal with that.” :wink:

43

No, no, it’s not like that. I’ve had an evil bitch demon spawn of Satan girlfirend-from-Hell, so I know what one looks like. There’s just a bit of a culture difference going on in my case, which we are both working on. (She’s Korean). Add that to the typical “Mars-Venus” thing, and what we have is a challenge, to be sure, but one that we both feel is worth pursuing because we love each other very much (insert soft violin music here).

If I posted some of our other conversations, you’d all see her for the angel she is.

But she’s not perfect. And we’re not setting a date until we are both sure about it. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.

44

Says Divemaster

I see heatherlee’s still getting around.

45

I leave his place this morning, and I say “I’ll call you at the usual time” (which, during the week, is about 10:15pm). He says, “No, call me at 8-8:30”.

So this was somehow MORE difficult than saying “Call me at 8” in the first place? He wants a time, I give him one, and he gives me another one, when he’s sure to be free?

Guys, explain THIS one to me!!!

Now I’m gonna go call him and see what he has to say… :slight_smile:

46

I always suspected the Navy was implanting transmitters in my brain, now ChiefScott confirms it. This should go in the “vaguely creepy” thread.

mnemosyne, adding to what Max Torque said, why don’t you tell your BF there’s a BJ in it for him if he calls you at exactly 8:45; this way, he’ll not only call you at said time, but every fifteen minutes beforehand to synchronize your watches.

47

mnemosyne: That is one of those sigh-and-shake-your-head moments. Really, that’s about all you can do now. :smiley:

48

I’m back!!

I’m not posting and bolting. I’ve been gone all day so I couldn’t check back.

With that said,

divemaster-

I’m sure it’s a entirely different situation from where you’re sitting from, but from my comfy chair, I thought your post was one of the funnier posts I’ve read in a while. Funny because I can completely relate to that conversation. I’ve been there any number of times. I was even able to do the different voice inflections during your ‘discussion’. I could also hear the futility in your voice as that chat progressed.

Thanks for the laugh. I’m glad to see you have a good sense of humor about it.

Persephone-

I guess I take any kind of change in one’s routine, or change in who or what you report to, as micro-management. Don’t take my comments as a criticism towards you. On the contrary, it’s a criticism towards him.

Maybe he looks at calling you as ‘checking in’, as opposed to a friendly hello. Maybe he’s being thoughtless without even noticing it. Maybe he’s trying to make some profound statement without being forthright. I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve been guilty of this same behavior myself in the past.

I would look at ‘When are you going to call?’ as ‘When are you going to call and tell me where you are, tell me who your with, tell me what your plans are for the night and when I should expect you?’. It seems intrusive to my normal routine of not having to answer to any one person in my day to day life. It’s adding something different to routine that’s become comfortable and reasurring to me.

So what do I do in my situation? Sometimes I’m not as quick to call. Sometimes I call earlier than expected. Sometimes I neglect to call at all. Hell, it changes from time to time and from situation to situation. It’s never hurtfull, nor is it harmfull. Most of the time I don’t even notice that I’m doing it. It’s simply a small way to assert myself and feel freedom of movement and choice. It’s a way for me to say, “Hey, I’m in control here” without it hurting anything. I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I’m not doing it in situations that would make her look bad or worry her. It’s simply a changing of a simple thing to fit my needs, and not hers.

Why? Because I fullfill her needs with almost everything else I do in a day that I normally wouldn’t do if she wasn’t around.

Do I think this is the same thing that’s happening with you two? I wouldn’t puport to know with the limited background you’ve given. His is his situation and mine is mine. The only person really qualified enough to answer this is your SO.

After saying that, however, I find it interesting that the two times I read that post I came away with the word ‘Control’ etched in my mind. You mentioned it, he mentioned it, hell, his actions seem to hint at that being an issue. It caught my eye and hadn’t seen it brought up. It reminded me of the arguments I had about the same thing. Then, and now, I had to stop and really think about why I was acting that way.

I was simply giving an opinion of what could possibly be going on, without the benefit of any background.

** Just so you know- I’ve typed my explaination a couple of times and then erased it. I wasn’t happy with it. Typically when that happens, I simply start typing and see where it goes. Rather than edit and change all that, I’m leaving it untouched. Maybe in there the answer lies. **

Stella*Fantasia-

Absolutely. And I’m glad you brought this up because this brings up a point I failed to mention above.

If that were me on the other end of all this, I would leave and go out or simply not have answered the phone when he finally called. The fact that this same thing had happened a couple nights before without much of a penalty to him leads me to believe he’s done this before and will continue to do so. Why? Because there’s no penalty in it for him. Whenever he chooses to call she’s there. If she wasn’t there, and it was outside the time that he said he’d call, then he’d be screwed if he got upset. In my opinion, he’d start calling when he said he would in a hurry.

As bad as his behavior is, enabling it isn’t much better.

49

Hiya, SkySlash. Nice to see you back.

mnemosyne: This phone thing appears to be an indication that there is a tension going on in your relationship. You are trying to set parameters for his calls because you are not confident that he will call you as much as you want him to call you (i.e. you fear that he is not as into you as you are into him). Common problem. Not to worry. If that conversation left you laughing instead of fuming, then it sounds like you guys have a basically good relationship. My advice: think about the deeper issue that the phone thing represents and discuss this issue with him. You guys should be able to resolve it. Good luck.

divemaster, your girlfriend may not be “evil bitch demon spawn” or whatever, but she ain’t no angel either. There is a lot in between. That Mars-Venus/cultural difference stuff is crap. She wants you to buy her expensive stuff, and she doesn’t want to work so that she can afford the expensive stuff herself? Sounds like a gold-digger to me.

50

Cnote:

Honestly, I understood your points in both of your posts. I do agree with them as well. SOME guys (not all, by any means) do have control issues, and do take any attempt to pin them down to anything from what time they’ll call to what they want for breakfast as a threat. With my husband and me, it’s been going on for so long that it’s now a joke. Every so often he’ll try to be all manly (“What time will I be home? I’ll be home, um, LATE! YEAH! I am MAN! Hear me ROAR!”), and it’s just so cute. After one of these exchanges, he’ll try to get me to give him a little, ahem, oral pleasuring, and I’ll usually tell him to pull his head out of his a** and do it himself, since he’s down there. :smiley:

As I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, I make fun of men. A lot. And not just because they make such easy targets. I love men. I do, I do, I do. Warts and all, men are wonderful. But I do expect to receive as much teasing as I give out (I’ve probably got waaaay more warts than most men). I enjoy the witty repartee. The differences between men and women are a constant source of wonderment for me. Men and women are BOTH funny.

So laugh, dammit! What do you mean, why? Because it’s 11 pm, and you said you’d laugh at 11! Fer chrissakes, where’s the watch I bought you? In the car? Why is it in the car? It’s supposed to be on your WRIST…oh never mind. :smiley:

51

No I didn’t. And quit telling me what to do.

I’ll laugh when I want to laugh. Right now? I wanna sulk.

Got a problem with that?

ROARRRRR

52

Ahhh, it’s a little late over here.

In that nice, long, drawn out post I made over there on page one? That’s directed towards mnemosyne too. I kinda missed your name in that.

Please forgive m… ahh, fuck it!

I tried that once and noone found it funny. I won’t try it again!

53

I’ll admit it. Control is and likely will be an issue in our relationship for some time, though every time we sort something out, our relationship always ends up better. So it’s a good battle to fight. And I never said he didn’t get “punished” for the first time he failed to call on time - it was discussed, and a solution was put forth. It just didn’t appear to take effect immediately :slight_smile:

I am totally surprised at how this thread turned out…I’ve NEVER started a thread that made it to two pages! Despite all the jokes and teases, this is actually really kind of informative. It’s good to have a 3rd, 4th,…32nd opinion on things. Lends a bit of perspective.

Though yes, this has definitely become a “shake-your-head-and-sigh” situation :slight_smile: I love the guy dearly, but why must men be so exasperating??

54

And therein lies my point- it’s the small battles that you need to win now to avoid the bigger one that’s eventually down the road.

O.K., maybe ‘win’ isn’t the best word to use here, maybe coming to a consensus is better. Whatever you call it, and whatever the real issue may be, your creating a bases for the relationship to move forwards. It’s a foundation.

You and he will work it out now and find each other’s limit with things you both find important. Then, as the relationship progresses, you have that foundation in place to build things on.

I think it’s all part of a healthy relationship building process.

In my opinion, I’d be more concerned with the person that would avoid any type of confrontation, or disagreement, to please the partner at the expense of their own feelings or beliefs. Doing that creates a false foundation. It’s bound to fail down the road.

To elaborate on that point. Say he feels a loss of control. Small things start bothering him. He doesn’t like the idea of checking in. But he doesn’t do anything about it. He holds it in and follows your direction. At some point down the road, it’s gonna come to a head and explode. He simply won’t be able to take it anymore. What will come out will be things that are irrelevant to the main issue of ‘loss of control’. The ensuing argument could be so bad a hurtfull, because it covers things that aren’t even an issue, that the realtionship is forever altered.

It’s better to work that small stuff out now, rather than get to that explosive point sometime later.

55

:slight_smile: I’m glad you picked up on the intention of my post. I actually did post it for humor value. Yes, frustration can be humorous (although I’m not too smiley when right in the middle of it). I can certainly understand how it could be taken otherwise, because without going into the totality and nuances of our relationship, it does seem more than a little mercenary on her part.

I don’t really want to get into it here, but there really is a cultural difference between Asian and western society when it comes to gender roles, marriage and career, and such. I have to be sensitive to that, as does she. We’re doing all right.

56

divemaster: Sorry for the unsolicited comment; I agree with you that cultural differences would account for it and more, and thanks for the clarification. I’m of the opinion that if there IS a red flag, I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you, because, well, because many people can jump headlong into a bad situation blissfully unaware of the bad stuff that comes back to smack them later.

Again, thanks for the clarification and for not jumping my ass over it. Sounds like you see the big picture just fine and I wish you every happiness with your lady.

57

divemaster, until you said your gf is Korean, I was convinced you and Marcie were having an affair.